


Oneshots

by oursaviorkellinquinn



Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens, waterparks - Fandom
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Smut, TriggerWarning, hurt-comfort, oneshots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:08:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 75,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23652112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oursaviorkellinquinn/pseuds/oursaviorkellinquinn
Summary: This is going to be a collection of stories that I start with the intention of keeping short or else they just never went anywhere but I don’t want to delete them. I’ll put separate trigger warnings for each chapter :)
Relationships: Gawsten - Relationship, Kellic - Relationship, Vic Fuentes/Kellin Quinn, awsten Knight x Geoff wigington
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	1. Gluten allergy (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings :)

~Kellin pov~  
Dinner was delicious but I shouldn’t have ignored my gluten allergy. Sometimes I can eat food with flour in it and not have a problem but other times I can’t. It’s been this way since I was a little kid so I should be used to avoiding it, but I get embarrassed about speaking up. I don’t want to be a nuisance.

Vic and I are newly dating so I don’t want to cut our night short, but my stomach feels terrible and I’m getting nauseous.

“Are you okay?” Vic asks as he starts driving us downtown. We’re supposed to be bar hopping next.

“Um yeah. I’m fine.” I reply, definitely not sounding fine.

He shoots me a worried look.

“What’s wrong Kells? You’re all quiet and pale.”

“Its just my stomach, it’ll probably pass.” I lie, these stomachaches don’t just pass.

“Oh, do you think you’re getting sick? Do you want to go home?” He offers, resting a hand on my thigh.

“I’m not getting sick. I just have this stupid gluten allergy.”

“Shit, I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, I’ve had it forever but I’m a dumb ass and I’m not careful about what I eat.”

“Lets just go back to my place, okay? You don’t look like you need booze tonight.”

I smile at his thoughtfulness. Most people just brush off my stomachaches because I do tend to have a sensitive stomach, but Vic actually wants to take care of me.

“Okay. I’m sorry for ruining our evening.” I say quietly.

“Don’t worry about it, I wouldn’t have fun knowing you’re feeling sick anyways.”

When we get to his apartment he takes my hand and leads me inside since I’ve never been here before.

“Do you want to lay on the couch or in my bed?” He asks.

“The couch is totally fine, I’m really okay.” I assure him, even though I’m not okay. My stomach is painful and laying down actually sounds great.

“Okay, go sit, I’m gonna grab you a pillow and some blankets.”

I sit on his couch, which is super comfortable, and sure enough he comes back with a pillow and a soft white blanket.

“Lay down.” He orders, situating the pillow where my head will be.

I guess there’s no reason to fight him, he’s just trying to help me feel better.

“Thank you.” I murmur as he gently throws the blanket over me.

“You’re welcome. I’ll be right back.” He says and disappears from my view.

I rest my eyes for a second, kinda wishing I could take off my jeans.

When I hear footsteps I open my eyes. Vic has changed into sweatpants and a tank top and he’s holding a mug.

“I made you some peppermint tea. That’s good for your stomach, right?”

I can’t help the goofy grin that creeps up my lips. He looks so hot in his comfortable clothes, it’s going to drive me crazy all night.

“That sounds great, tha-.”

“Stop thanking me Kells. I’m happy to take care of you.” He says, cutting me off.

“Okay.” I murmur quietly.

He picks up my feet and sits down, letting them rest in his lap. He begins rubbing them a little which feels amazing.

“So how are you really feeling? No bullshit.”

“Well, if you really must know, my stomach hurts so bad that I’d like to curl up in a fetal position, but it also feels like it’s rolling which makes me nauseous.” I admit, sipping my tea.

“That sounds terrible. It’s just from eating wheat?”

“Yeah. I should be smarter but bread is delicious.” I giggle.

“How long do you usually feel bad?”

“I’ll feel better when I wake up tomorrow.” 

“Good. I’m going to make sure everywhere we go has a gluten free option on the menu.” He says, smiling at me.

“You’re too sweet... Will you cuddle with me?” I ask quietly. We haven’t been going out for very long but I’m craving some physical affection from him.

He stands up and kinda scoops me into his arms before laying down again. I’m resting on top of him and I’m unbelievably comfortable. My blanket is still wrapped around me and I think the tea is helping settle my stomach, or else I’m just distracted by the butterflies fluttering around in there.

“I’m gonna fall asleep.” I mumble tiredly.

“Go for it.” He whispers, rubbing my back soothingly and kissing the top of my head.

I could definitely get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 700+ words  
> Fun fact, this is actually based off my own gluten allergy, including the fact I’m still a dumb ass and eat it when I know I shouldn’t lol.


	2. Hentai and D&D (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicidal thoughts and actions, depression

~Awsten pov~  
I work at a small book store with one other person, Geoff. Scratch that, this is my last day working at a small book store with Geoff.

I’m going to kill myself tonight.

It’s not because of one specific thing. It’s everything. My parents kicked me out when I came out as gay so I dropped out of college where my only friends were and moved here to L.A. , but somehow I still have college debt that I’m never gonna get paid off. I want to be a singer but since I have to work all the time to pay off the previously mentioned debt, I never have time to find a band or write music. The kicker is how fucking lonely I am. Geoff is the only person I know and we’re just coworkers. That’s not true, we’re friends, but not outside of work.

“Morning!” Geoff yells from the back when I arrive.

I don’t reply. I’ve been seriously out of it all weekend and I’m not feeling any better today.

“Aws? Is that you?”

“Yeah.” I shout back.

He emerges from the back room holding a box of books. Of course it’s a box of books, that’s the only thing we sell here.

“We’re supposed to put these in the front window and make a display. Would you mind using those window markers and decorating it?” He asks politely. The only time I let Geoff decorate the window it looked like a preschooler had done it, so now he always lets me.

“Yeah, I can do that.” I reply quietly. He takes his focus off the books and looks at me for the first time this morning. I know I look rough. I haven’t been sleeping at all so I have dark bags under my eyes and I ran out of time this morning so I still have bed head.

“Are you okay?” He asks, concern glinting in his eyes.

“Um, yeah.” I’m not.

I go to the back and find the window markers. They’re messy because they aren’t inky, it’s almost window paint.

Going up to the large front window I grab one of the books and try to decide what theme I should do. The book is Carry On by Rainbow Rowell, I’ve read this! It has the cutest gay romance. 

I crawl up onto the short ledge of the window where Geoff will set up the books once my art is done. I draw a huge dragon, some snow falling from the sky, (even though that’s just his last name, I think it’s appropriate) and a wand casting a spell. I do some little filler sparkles and swirls, then add my initials in the bottom corner. I’ve gotten pretty good at doing them backwards so that you can read them from outside.

I feel weird about this art. This will be the last thing I ever draw for Geoff’s displays. When he comes into work tomorrow will he know that I’m not coming in? Will he know that I’m gone? Or will he think I’m an asshole who decided to ditch? In one way I feel bad, but in another way I’m really glad that my last window decor turned out really cool. I wonder if he’ll ever clean it off? Of course he will. He’ll find someone else to do it, he can’t leave a huge dragon up there forever.

“That looks really good, thanks.” Geoff says as he begins arranging the rest of the display.

I smile to myself.

“Thanks, I’m really glad you like it.”

The day drags by super slowly but it’s finally time to leave.

“Got any wild plans tonight?” Geoff asks, chuckling to himself.

The blood drains out of my face. 

“N-no. You?” I reply, trying to move the attention off of me.

“Nah, I’m probably gonna play video games with my roommate.”

“That sounds fun.” 

“Well I’m sure you’ll find something to do with your night. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He shouts as he leaves the store.

Geoff trusts me to lock up since I’m always slow getting my shit together at the end of the day. 

Today I’m being slow for a different reason though. I walk around the store for a few minutes, saying goodbye to the place. Even though I complain about the shitty pay and how boring it is, I’ve enjoyed working with Geoff and I love being around books.

I wander up to the register and pull out a slip of scratch paper. 

Geoff, thank you for being my friend.  
Xoxo, Aws

That’s all I write because I don’t really have much else to say to him. I just feel bad that if I don’t leave a note here, he’ll never know that I cared about him.

I leave it on the counter where I know he’ll see it and then I walk home. 

At my apartment I don’t waste any time. I go to my bathroom and take out a bottle of pills. I don’t know what they are, I stole them from my parents before I left home. All I know is that there’s a bunch of warnings on the bottle about bad things that will happen if you take more than one.

I grab my suicide note and read it one last time before I put it on the table by my bed.

Whoever finds me,  
You might think it’s dramatic to kill myself, in fact you probably think I “wasted my life” by ending it. But you have to have a life in order to end it.  
Please tell my parents to go fuck themselves.  
Tell my friends in Texas that I really am sorry. It’s not their fault, it’s mine.  
Tell Geoff (at Main Street books) that I’m gonna miss working for him and to enjoy the dragon. He’ll know what I mean.  
Xoxo, Awsten Constantine

I don’t go by Knight anymore.

I grab a glass of water and take the pills that will end my life. 

~Geoff’s pov~  
The first thing I notice when I get to work is the weird note from Awsten. He was acting really strangely yesterday, I’ll have to check in and make sure he’s alright when he gets here.

He never shows. 

It’s not a big deal because the store is never busy, but it’s not like Awsten to just fuck off without saying anything. I hope he’s okay.

The next morning I’m not sure what to expect. Will Awsten show up? Has he quit? Is that why he left me that note thanking me for being his friend?

Right at opening time I let a customer inside to shop. She needs help ordering some random book and while I’m trying to find it the bell above the door rings again. It’s Awsten.

“Hey.” I greet him. 

“Hey.” He replies in a rough voice. He goes straight to the back room and since I’m busy, I can’t follow him.

I finally order this fucking book and get the lady ushered out the door. As soon as she’s gone I go to the back room and find Awsten sitting at a small table we keep back here for breaks.

Now that I’m closer to him I can see that he looks awful. His hair is a mess, his skin is pale, and I think his hands are shaking until he stands up and shoves them in his pockets.

“Are you okay? I was worried about you yesterday.” I say.

“Um, yeah.” He clears his throat. His voice sounds worn out. “I was really sick yesterday, I should have called. I’m uh-I’m really sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it Aws, do you want today off too? You don’t look...quite like yourself.”

“No, I’m okay.” He says barely above a whisper.

Something is obviously wrong but I don’t think it’s my place to pry.

“Alright, well a new box of special orders just came in, will you make the calls?”

“Yeah, sure.”

I try to go about my day, I really do. I try to ignore that Awsten throws up on his lunch break, I try to ignore the bandage wrapped tightly around one of his wrists, and I try convince myself that he’s acting normally. But he’s not. None of this is okay. 

Finally, when I need him to help me out with some heavy boxes and I find him out back smoking, I let myself worry. I didn’t even know he smokes, in fact, I don’t think he usually does. He’s never come to work smelling like cigarettes and he never takes breaks to smoke.

I go back inside and turn the “open” sign over so that I don’t have to worry about any customers coming in. I turn off a few lights and then go back to Awsten, still sitting outside. The back of the store is in an alley and it’s not very pretty, but it’s nice and quiet.

I sit next to him and hold out my hand for a cigarette. He hands me one and I take my own lighter out of my pocket to light it.

“I didn’t know you smoke.” I say quietly.

He sighs.

“Only when... never mind. I-I don’t usually.” He stammers.

“I’ve got myself down to a couple a day, usually in the evening when I’m with friends.”

He just nods. I don’t think I’ve seen him smile all day.

“Awsten?” 

He just hums, prompting me to go on.

“What’s wrong? Please don’t tell me you’re okay because it’s really obvious that you’re not.”

He sighs and I think there’s tears in his eyes.

“I-“ He stops because his voice is shaking and strained.

I don’t know if this is okay but I reach over and rest my hand on his leg. Maybe this is crossing some line but the boy is obviously struggling and I just want to comfort him.

“I took a bunch of pills on Monday night.” He admits, barely above a whisper.

I’m shocked. I thought his family pet probably died or his girlfriend broke up with him. 

“Oh my god, that’s why you were gone yesterday? And sick today?”

He nods and takes a drag of his cigarette.

“It um...it didn’t work. I don’t even know what I took but they didn’t kill me, they just made me really sick.”

“What about this?” I ask, pulling up his sleeve a little.

He tugs it down and grips it in his hand.

“Last night I tried to...you know, but I couldn’t. I was so fucked up that I just passed out before I could do the other.”

I nod a little bit, letting all of this process. The boy that I’m sitting next to right now has tried to kill himself twice in the last two days. This definitely clears up the note he left me. He wanted to let me know that he appreciates me without making me worry.

“So, why?” I ask bluntly. I always thought he seemed like a pretty chill guy. Maybe high strung and little weird, but he’s always been fun to work with.

“I’m just-“ He stops and wipes away a couple of tears with his sleeve. “I’m just so fucking lonely Geoff. I don’t know anyone around here and I’m never gonna get rid of this fucking debt and my family hates me cause I’m gay. I’m not going anywhere, my life is so fucking pointless.” He sobs and more tears roll down his face.

“I didn’t know any of that. You’re gay?”

He looks at me and nods a little hesitantly.

“Well I’m pansexual.” I say.

“Really?” He asks, looking surprised.

“Yeah, I actually lean more toward guys.”

He seems to finally notice my hand resting on his leg but he doesn’t say anything, he just puts his own hand on top of it.

“I’m so sorry about yesterday and about how I’ve acted today. Fuck, I’m such a mess. I totally understand if you wanna cut a portion of my pay or something.” He says.

“No, it’s totally okay.”

Suddenly I get a thought.

“Hey, there’s no chance you’re looking for a new apartment, is there?” I ask hopefully.

“Not really, why?”

“Well, my roommate is getting a place with his girlfriend and I’m gonna need someone to replace him starting next month. I dread just choosing someone from the Internet.”

“Yeah, that’s a good way to get murdered.” Awsten murmurs making me laugh a little. I swear I see the ghost of a smile on his face and it’s the prettiest thing I’ve seen all day. “Let me ask my landlord about breaking my lease.” He says.

“Yeah, just let me know. I’d love it if you could move in.”

“Well, I guess it’s time to go home”. He says, honestly sounding super disappointed.

“Do you have a pen or anything on you?” I ask.

He reaches into his pockets until he comes up with a black sharpie. He holds it out to me and I take it, turning over his unharmed wrist and writing my phone number and then a short note under it.

Geoff hotline xoxo

“Awsten, you can literally call me anytime. Okay?”

He nods and his eyes fill up with tears again.

“I don’t need to worry about you going home alone, do I?” 

He looks at his arm and then back at me and shakes his head.

We both stand up and I wrap him in a hug. He hugs back firmly and we stay there for a few minutes. The poor boy has been through a lot lately, but hopefully I can help him now that I know.

“Call me when you know about the lease, yeah? I want you for a roommate and not some guy that watches hentai and plays dungeons and dragons.” I say enthusiastically.

Get this, he actually laughs! He laughs and it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve heard in days.

“I’m gonna check as soon as I get home. I promise.” He says with a grin on his face.

Just a few hours later I’m eating dinner when I get a text.

Unknown: Hey, it’s Awsten. 

I quickly add him as a contact before I reply.

Geoff: Hey, what’s the verdict?

Aws: My landlord is gonna let me out of my lease because his niece needs an apartment lol. Looks like you’re gonna be stuck with me :)

Geoff: THANK GOODNESS! I’m happy to be stuck with you!

Aws: How fast is your internet?

Geoff: idk, decent. Why?

Aws: I hate waiting for my hentai to load!

Geoff: o h m y g o d

This is gonna be great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2447 words


	3. Clubbing Kellin (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings~

I. Love. Clubbing.  
There’s something about the atmosphere and the drinks and the music and dressing up that I really love.

Tonight I’m wearing a black bodycon dress that’s so short my ass almost hangs out the bottom of it. I chose it because it makes my hips look good but it doesn’t have cups or support of any type at the top. I can’t wear dresses like that because, obviously, I don’t have boobs.

I’ve paired my dress with a sexy pair of black heels that are killing my feet, but look really good. I feel sassy in this outfit.

I came to this club with a couple of friends, but they’re both off making out with girls, leaving me alone by the bar, but that’s okay. I sip my drink and notice a guy staring at me. He’s hot. He has shoulder length, curly brown hair and gorgeous tan skin. His body looks great too, I bet he works out.

I keep sipping my drink because I’m already wasted, there’s no reason to drink it too fast. 

This guy is basically eye fucking me and I get slutty when I’m drunk. Why isn’t he coming over to talk to me? Does he think I’m a girl or does he realize I’m a guy? You would think that my lack of boobs would tip people off but it doesn’t always. 

Finally I get tired of waiting for him and stand up, very unsteady on my feet, and go back to the dance floor. I start moving to the music and dancing with a couple of strangers. This one chick is trying to grind on me and I let her, I’m super gay but I’m dying for some action. Is that bad? I’m too drunk to know.

I feel someone come up behind me and gently take my elbow. I turn around and find the sexy guy. Finally! I wasn’t even trying to make him jealous but I’m guessing that’s what happened.

We don’t even talk, I just start dancing up on him and he gladly allows it. I get super close and wrap my arms around his neck, leaning in and kissing his jaw. He takes my chin and connects our lips.

I’m so lost in our kiss that I don’t even realize we’re making out in the middle of the dance floor until someone bumps into us. The guy steps away from me but takes my hand and leads me off to a dark corner. It’s open to the rest of the room, so we’re not secluded, but no lights really shine this way and I don’t think anyone can see us. I don’t care either way, I’m drunk and horny.

He pushes me up against the wall and kisses me again. I can tell he’s trying to be dominant, but he’s going too slow, so I push my tongue into his mouth. He tastes surprisingly good for some random guy at a club. His lips are nice and soft and he’s squeezing my hips a little, somehow guessing that I’m sensitive there.

Usually when I make out with strangers it’s at least a little uncomfortable. They try to grope me or leave hickeys on my neck or pull my hair. There’s usually something that kinda kills my mood. Not with this guy though. He’s really perfect.

Our mouths move in perfect sync even though I’m still sloppily using my tongue, I’m doing my best considering how wasted I am. 

My hands have been tangled in his amazing curly hair until now when I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer to me. Our hip bones are press against each other and I can feel that he’s hard. Of course he is, this is hot and I can feel my dick throbbing too.

I’m only wearing a lace thong under my dress which doesn’t do much to hide my problem.

He pulls away a little and looks down then looks back up to my face.

“I’m a guy!” I yell over the music, desperately hoping that this won’t be the end of our make out session.

“Okay!” He shouts back, then grabs my thighs and picks me up, pushing me against the wall again.

Next thing I know I’m waking up in my bed with a pounding headache.

“Oh fuck.” I whimper, curling up under the covers and trying to piece together what happened last night.

All I remember is more drinks, more making out with the hot guy, maybe jacking off in a bathroom? Or blowjobs? Then my friends dragging me into an Uber.

I fall back asleep and the next time I wake up I feel better. I drag myself out of bed and go to the kitchen for some water. To my surprise when I reach for a glass I see something written on my pale arm.

515-648-5936 -Vic xoxo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 820 words


	4. I’m sorry (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: depression, self hate.  
> AN: I’m sorry this is shit.

~Kellin pov~  
There's only five minutes before class starts and Vic isn't here. He usually arrives around the same time I do which is fifteen till class starts and it's weird that he's late. I pull out my phone and send my boyfriend a text.

Kellin: morning baby, are you coming to school today?

I don't get any reply which usually means he's depressed. He gets super self deprecating when he's depressed and shuts off his phone cause he thinks I'm gonna break up with him.

Vic and I have only been dating for five months. We first went out when I transferred to his school here in California from my old one in Michigan. This has happened a handful of times and I'm getting better at helping him. The trick is to not make him do anything, just being there so he's not alone is usually best.

As soon as school lets out I drive straight to his house. I basically run up to the front door and ring the doorbell.

"Kellin!" His mom answers enthusiastically. She really likes me. She says I "bring Vic out of his shell" whatever the hell that means.

"Mrs. Fuentes, is Vic home?" I ask, even though I know he is.

"Oh...um, yes he is. I'm not sure if he's really up for company right now honey. Maybe you could check back tomorrow?" She says hesitantly. 

"Can I just say hi? I've been worried about him all day and he won't answer my texts."

Her face softens, something that happens a lot when Vic and I show affection for each other.

"Sure. You can go say hi, he's down in the basement family room, but Kellin?"

"Yeah?"

"Be patient with him, okay? He's not having a good day."

I nod and find my way down to the basement. It's nice down here, there's soft carpet on the floors and three big couches all facing the tv. The whole room always feels warm and comfy.

All the lights are off and there's some old horror movie playing on the tv. I can see Vic's form under a bunch of blankets laying on one of the couches with just his head poking out.

"Viccy?" I murmur as I get closer.

He shifts and looks up at me with a small smile on his face.

"Kells?" He says in a rough voice. It sounds like he hasn't talked much today.

"Can I lay with you?"

He scoots over and holds up his blanket to let me under. I slide off my shoes and crawl in. He's shirtless but I can feel that he has sweatpants on. I love being pressed up against him, he's so warm.

I slide my hand into his and he rests his head on my shoulder. We stay like this and just watch the movie for a few minutes.

"I'm sorry I skipped school." He says quietly.

"Don't worry about it. Your mom said you're having a rough day." 

"Yeah." He replies then goes quiet. I'm beginning to think he's not gonna say anything else right when he does.

"I'm sorry I'm such shit." He whispers.

"Vic, you aren't shit. I love you."

"I know. I'm just sad."

I kiss his head and he snuggles into my side. He's so perfect in my eyes that it kills me when he says those things about himself. To me he's so funny and sexy and talented that I can't imagine disliking anything about him.

"Can I do anything to make you feel better?" I ask him.

He think for a second and then gets a little ghost of a smile before shaking his head.

"No, not really." He says, chasing that smile away instantly.

"What?" 

"What?" He asks, confused.

"You were smiling!" I giggle. "What were you thinking about?"

Even in the dark I can see the light blush spread across his cheeks.

"I was just thinking...maybe we could make out. Then I thought that you probably don't want to."

I sit up and look at him while he's still laying down. 

"Why the fuck would I not want to make out with you?"

"I haven't even showered today Kells, I'm gross."

"I respectfully disagree, I always think you're sexy."

Before he can argue I reposition and thrown one of my legs over his hips, straddling him, and lean down to connect our lips.

We lazily make out and I tangle my hands in his curly hair. His lips are soft and when I slip my tongue into his mouth he tastes sweet. His hands are resting innocently on my hips and I don't think he even realizes that he's rubbing them a little with his thumbs. It feels really nice and soothing.

I break the kiss when I feel my body....reacting. We don't need that today.

I lay down and pull Vic on top of me where he instantly closes his eyes.

"You're so cuddly." I whisper.

He just hums an agreement.

"Thank you for coming over." He says through a yawn."

"Anytime baby." I reply as his breathing evens out and he drifts off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 857 words


	5. Ulcerative Colitis is a bitch (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: medical stuff  
> AN: this is actually based off my little sister. She has ulcerative colitis and was hospitalized for three weeks this winter. I decided to take a traumatic event and try to make something semi positive from it. I hope you enjoy :)  
> Ps. I really like the idea of Maria Brink being a nurse <3

~Awsten pov~  
To anyone just looking at me I appear normal and healthy. I might be a little skinny and sometimes I’m pale, but overall I look normal. I don’t feel normal though, sometimes I’m in a lot of pain. I have ulcerative colitis.

Basically I’ll feel good for a long time, usually a few months, then I’ll start getting sick. I’ll start losing weight dramatically, having awful stomach cramps, and (there’s no nice way to put this) shitting blood. Like, a lot. That’s when I end up in the hospital. 

I’m usually in the hospital for a week while they get the flared ulcers calmed down, using a ton of steroids, but it’s not working. My doctor just told my parents and I that he thinks I’ll be here at least another week while they test some new meds. Even worse, I’m gonna have to get a PICC line for nutrition. 

Most the time I’m happy to stay in the hospital, it makes me feel comfortable knowing that I have immediate medical help if I need it, but this time I really wish I could go home. I have a new boyfriend, Geoff, and we’ve only been going out for about a month. I feel terrible, but he doesn’t know about my condition or that I’m in the hospital. I thought I could get fixed up in a week and go back home like I usually do, without Geoff worrying about me, but now I’m gonna have to tell him.

Mid-afternoon I’m curled up in my bed, trying to cradle my stomach so the cramps will stop. I feel around and locate my phone, tapping Geoff’s contact and calling him. We’ve been texting a lot but obviously I haven’t seen him all week. I even had to avoid him a little before that because I looked terrible.

“Hey Awsten.” He answers after a couple of rings. He sounds slightly pissy.

“Hey.” I say, clearing my throat because I’m worried I sound as bad as I feel.

“Are you okay? You don’t sound like yourself.” 

Fuck.

“Um, well, no. I’m not okay, I’m actually in the hospital.”

“What? Why? What’s wrong?” He asks quickly.

“Listen, I didn’t want you to worry but...I have this thing where I get ulcers in my colon. It’s just flared really bad and I’ve been getting treated all week.”

“Jesus Christ, why didn’t you tell me? Can I come see you?” He asks sounding a little hurt.

I would love for him to come see me and cuddle with me, but I know I look gross and he probably doesn’t want to hang out in a hospital.

“Yeah, I can have visitors but you really don’t have to.”

“When are you going home?”

“I guess I have to stay at least another week.”

“I’m coming to visit you right now. Text me the address.”

I can’t help but laugh.

“Okay okay, but I should warn you that I look and feel like shit.”

“I don’t care how you look. I’ve been missing you. Now text me the address, I’m on my way.”

We hang up and I text him a link to the hospital on maps. The trick isn’t finding the hospital itself, everyone knows where it is. The trick is finding my room because the hospital is a fucking maze. You can go in a set of doors on the first floor, walk down a hallway and end up on the third floor in a maternity ward.

I text him my room number and tell him to just get a nurse to help him find it. It’s his best bet.

While I’m waiting for him, they come in with my next dose of steroids. I know all the nurses around here by name cause I see them so often. I think I might be their favorite patient.

“How are you feeling Awsten?” My nurse asks as she injects the meds into my IV.

“So fucking tired.” I groan, making her laugh a little because I’m definitely acting dramatic.

“I’m bringing you in an iron infusion later that should help give you a little more energy. How’s your stomach feel?”

“I’m having a lot of cramps.” I tell her honestly, there’s no reason to lie to anyone.

“I’ll get you some hot packs.”

Nurses are the best.

“Thanks.” I chirp.

She finishes up her work and leaves. I start getting out of bed but it’s a slow process right now.

“What do you need honey?” My mom asks, rushing to my side. 

Either her or my dad, sometimes both are here with me during the day, but I’ve been staying alone at night so they can go home and sleep. I’m eighteen, I can handle like eight hours of fending for myself. Plus, nurses are always here if I need them.

“I’m just going to the bathroom.” 

She nods and helps me untangle my IV from the blankets and then keeps me steady when I stand up.

“Thanks, I’ve got it.” I tell her.

I go to the bathroom and do my business, which takes a painfully long time cause I’m so tired, and when I come out Geoff is sitting on the end of my bed.

A wave of sadness and maybe fear washes over his features when he sees me.

“Hey. Here let me help you.” He says, getting up and taking the unruly IV pole from me.

“Thanks.” I murmur.

I get back in my bed and curl up in a fetal position. My stomach hurts so bad and it’s been hurting for more than a week with few breaks.

Geoff sits in the chair by my bed. He pushes some hair off my sweaty forehead and smiles at me.

“How are you feeling?” 

“Do you want the nice bullshit answer?” 

“No.”

“Well then, my stomach has been killing me for a week and I’m so tired I might be dying and the steroids are giving me crazy hot flashes. Oh, and I have to have a PICC line inserted tomorrow which is gonna be a bitch.” I whine. Whining is my way of making everything seem less serious.

“What’s a PICC line?” 

“It’s a tube that will go in my arm to feed me cause I can’t get nutrition from food right now.” I explain, as a particularly painful stomach cramp overtakes me.

“Fuck.” I whisper. I close my eyes for a second but then I’m fighting to open them back up. I’m so exhausted.

I feel Geoff rest his hand on top of mine.

I’m somewhere in between sleep and consciousness when Geoff talks. I can kinda understand what’s being said but I’m sure I won’t remember it when I wake up.

“Is he gonna be okay?” He asks my parents.

“Yes he should be.” My mom sighs. “He might have to have surgery though, we’re not sure why the inflammation isn’t going down this time.”

“Is he in the hospital often?”

“Every few months his weight goes down and um... other symptoms get bad enough he has to come in.”

“Yeah, bleeding. I googled ulcerative colitis.”

That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me. I hope all of this doesn’t scare him off.

I don’t know how long I nap but when I wake up Geoff is still in his seat and my parents aren’t here.

As I begin feeling less groggy I realize that I’m super nauseous.

“Where are mom and dad?” I ask, not sitting up at all. I really don’t want to throw up.

“They went to get dinner but they should be back soon. A nurse came in and gave you an iron infusion...I-I think, but you slept through it.” He explains.

“I feel really bad.”

“Worse than earlier?” He asks, concern painted all over his face.

“I’m not usually nauseous but I am now and my arm around my IV is burning.”

“Want me to call a nurse?”

“Yeah.” I sigh. I kinda wish Geoff would leave, I hate being this vulnerable with him here, but at the same time I want him to stay forever.

When a nurse, Maria, walks in the door I feel relieved.

“Did you buzz?” She asks in her calming voice. Maria looks more like a hippy than a nurse with her long blonde hair that even has some dreads in it.

“Yeah, he says he’s nauseous and that his arm burns around the IV.”

“Oh, your chart says you had an iron infusion, that could cause those things.”

“Is there anything we can do?” I croak.

“I’ll get you some ice for your arm and some nausea medication.”

“Thank you.” Geoff says with a grin. Damn, he’s so cute.

My parents come back but I make them eat there food somewhere else because I can’t stand the smell while I’m feeling sick. Once they’re back Geoff comes over and sits on the edge of my bed.

“I’m gonna go home, can I come back tomorrow?”

I smile a little.

“Yeah. I’ll text you when I’m awake in the morning. I tend to sleep in.”

“Sounds good.” He leans down and kisses my forehead.

Not long after he leaves my parents go home too. The nausea is subsiding a little but my arm still burns like a bitch. Eventually I let Maria give me some Tylenol and I fall asleep.

~Geoff pov~  
I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little shaken up when I get home. Can you blame me? This morning I didn’t know anything was wrong with my boyfriend and then I spent all afternoon with him in the hospital.

He looks bad. I don’t mean that in a shallow way, I mean he looks really sick. His skin is lacking all color and he’s lost so much weight it’s scary.

I stay up and research surgeries he might have to have, meds he probably takes, and what the hell a PICC line is. Eventually I pass out from exhaustion and some stress.

I wake up and look at the clock. Shit, it’s almost eleven, hopefully I didn’t miss Awsten texting me that I should come see him. I find my phone but I don’t have any texts. Oh well, I’ll just get up and head back to the hospital. 

By the time I get there and find his room I’m wondering if he just forgot to text me. It’s noon and I haven’t heard anything from him. 

I knock lightly on his door.

“Come in.” His mom chirps.

I push the door open and find his parents sitting on the couch and Awsten’s bed not even in the room.

“Oh Geoff! Awsten is having his PICC line procedure right now but he should be back soon. Come, take a seat.”

“Thanks Mrs. Knight.”

“They don’t put him completely under for this but he might be a little loopy and tired when he’s done.”

“Yeah, I read about that last night. I can go if you want.” I offer, feeling like I’m intruding.

“No, no, we’re happy you’re here.” His dad says. I’m a little surprised because I never feel like Mr. Knight likes me that much.

“Alright.” 

We make polite conversation for awhile before the door opens and a couple nurses wheel Awsten back in.

His mom gets up and goes right to his side.

“How are you feeling honey?”

“I feel fucking great!” He says enthusiastically, although he slurs his words quite a bit.

His dad leans over to me.

“He cusses a lot and says some pretty wild stuff when he’s under anesthesia but he won’t remember it after he takes a nap.”

I laugh a little and nod.

“Hey! That’s hot Geoff! Come here h-hot Geoff.”

I get up and go to his side, his mom going back to sit with his father. They’re both laughing and I can’t help but chuckle a little at my high boyfriend.

“Hey Awsie.” I say, brushing some of his hair away from his face.

“You’re so sexy. I’m so glad you’re here. Fuck, I like your choker.” He rambles.

I laugh and glance at his parents. They’re still cracking up.

“Thanks honey, do you need anything?”

“I’m just glad you’re here. I thought you wouldn’t come back.” He says, looking a little sad and tired.

“I told you I was coming back today.” 

“Yeah, but people don’t usually.” He says quietly, his eyes drifting shut.

I wait until he’s completely asleep and then I go back to my chair by his parents.

“Could we ask you a favor?” His mom asks hesitantly.

“Sure.” 

“Would you stay here with Awsten again? Just for a couple hours? His sister is having a recital at school and we’d hate to miss it. She’s already so lonely with everything that’s been going on.”

“Oh yeah, that’s not a problem.” I answer sincerely.

“Thank you so much. It really means the world to us.” She gushes.

They leave a little while later and I’m left playing on my phone until Awsten stirs.

“Geoff?” He mumbles, sound confused as he sits up.

I go to his side and help him adjust his pillows and tubes so that he’s comfortable.

“Oh god, were you here when I got back from my procedure?” He asks, looking horrified.

I sit on the edge of his bed and take his hand in mine, playing with his fingers.

“Yeah, I was.”

“Oh fuck. What’d I say?”

I can’t help but laugh.

“Oh nooooo.” He whines, throwing his head back on his pillows and blushing.

“It wasn’t that bad. You just repeatedly referred to me as “hot Geoff” and called me sexy.”

“Oh my god. I’m sorry. I mean, I do think you’re sexy, but that must have been embarrassing with my parents here.”

It makes me smile to see him perking up.

“Maybe a little, but it was totally fine.”

“So I assume the procedure was normal?” He says quietly. I don’t think he likes talking about medical stuff with me.

“Yeah, they said everything went perfectly. Your parents are at Gracie’s recital right now.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot that was today.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Decent. My arm is kinda sore but my stomach doesn’t hurt.”

“That’s good, do you need anything?”

“Just cuddles!” He giggles, making grabby hands at me.

“Alright, scoot over.” 

He scoots to the side of his bed that has his IV so that when I lay down I’m not pulling on it. I sit by him and carefully pull him into my arms, cuddling him as best as I can given the circumstances.

“Mmm, you’re so cozy.” He murmurs, snuggling his face into my chest.

I plant a kiss on his head.

“Hey Aws?” 

“Yeah?”

“You know I’m not gonna break up with you or leave you or anything. Right?”

He’s really quiet for a second.

“Y-yeah. I know.”

“It’s just that when you were kinda loopy, you told me that you thought I wasn’t gonna come back today.”

“Oh. Well I was super high Geoff...”

“I know, but I just want to be sure that you aren’t worried about me breaking up with you over all of this. That’s not gonna happen.”

He sighs and plays with some strings fraying off the edge of his blanket.

“It’s just that I’ve been told that before. It’s easy to say at first, but when I’ve been in the hospital for a month and you get tired of sitting around here and taking care of me...things change.”

“Has that happened before? Someone broke up with you like that?”

“Yeah. I had this boyfriend, um his name was Ronnie. He knew about my condition and was really nice at first, he said that it didn’t matter but as soon as I ended up in the hospital he said that I was needy and that he didn’t want to pay my medical bills if we stayed together.”

I want to find and fucking kill this Ronnie guy. Even if you do break up with someone because of that you don’t fucking tell them. I try to calm the rage that washes over me because it’s not gonna do any good now.

“Wow, that’s really awful Awsten. I can’t believe anyone would say that. I’m not worried about money or any of that shit. I’m actually happy you’re here because I don’t want you to be in pain.”

He smiles up at me, tears glimmering in his eyes.

“That’s so sweet. Thank you.”

“I love you Awsten.” I murmur to him.

Yes this is the first time I’ve said that to him, and yes we’re laying in a hospital bed together, but I don’t care. He needs to know.

“I love you too Geoff. Thank you for staying with me.” He sniffles, his eyes shining brighter than they have all day.

I lean down and connect our lips briefly. When we pull apart Awsten relaxes again and I feel relieved that we got that all cleared up. I needed him to know that through sickness and in health, I’m here for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2853 words


	6. Catechism or hell? (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mention of self harm, homophobia.  
> AN: just remember while you’re reading this that it’s based largely off my own experience with catechism. The awful teacher, the popular kids, the hot topic night...basically all of it. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

~Kellin pov~  
My family is catholic. That’s fine, everyone is allowed their own beliefs. I don’t have much against Catholicism even though I already know I’m gonna stop going to church when I leave home. For now I just go along with it to keep my family happy. 

It’s pretty simple stuff. We say a short prayer before we eat dinner, we go to church on Sunday, and every Wednesday evening I go to catechism. Although it’s supposed to teach teens about the church, it’s literally teaching me what it’s like to be in hell. I fucking hate it.

In our church all of the high school grades are in one big class with one teacher. Jacque... Jacque is the fucking worst. She makes us play stupid games, rarely teaches us anything worthwhile, is not cut out for handling such a large group, and worst of all she favors the jocks and popular kids. 

I walk into the classroom with dread weighing down my shoulders. I don’t have any friends here and I’m pretty sure everyone hates me cause I’m emo.

“Kellin!” Jacque says, her voice oozing fake kindness. “I’m so glad you’re here tonight, it’s gonna be so fun!”

I just smile and choose a spot on one of the mismatched couches. They try to make it comfortable in here to make more teens come, but it doesn’t work and since we all sit on couches someone usually has to sit next to me. I wish we had desks.

Kids keep filing in and eventually this one popular boy looks at all the full seats and sighs before sitting next to me. 

Fuck.

I scoot as far away from him as I can without seeming rude and I clutch my sleeves in my hands. It’s a nervous habit because I’m terrified of anyone seeing my cuts and scars. My number one goal is not letting anyone in this group know anything about me.

We’re just about to start when a new boy walks in. He’s really short with tan skin and gorgeous curly brown hair. Fuck he’s hot.

“Um hi.” He says a little awkwardly to Jacque.

“Oh hi! You must be Vic! Choose any seat, we’re about to begin and it’s gonna be so much fun!”

He sits all the way across the room from me, which is totally fine. Even though I would love a boyfriend, I have terrible social anxiety and know I would just make a fool of myself if I tried to talk to him.

“Okay everyone!” Jacque starts, trying to settle them down. It takes her five fucking minutes of yelling at everyone and threatening to not let people have snacks before people shut the fuck up. She needs to work more on her authority and less on being everyone’s best friend.

“Tonight we’re having hot topic discussions!” 

My ears perk up involuntarily before I realize that we’re not talking about the emo store.

“I’m going to tell you all about a hot topic in the media right now and then we’re gonna talk about it and talk about the church’s view. Alright?”

They talk about abortion laws, everyone thinks that abortions should be illegal because that’s how Catholics are taught. One part of me thinks it’s sad to kill the babies, but I’m a little torn because I also understand that sometimes people aren’t ready for a baby. I definitely don’t speak up though.

The next one is the death penalty which causes some debate. It’s the usual thing that we’ve all written reports on, is it worse for terrible criminals to rot in a prison or die? Is it ever okay for humans to kill other humans?

“Our third topic tonight is same sex relationships. The media says that being gay is good and trendy, they’re really pushing that on us right now. What do we think?”

Holy fuck, is this real? I’m as straight as a fucking rainbow. Do they know that? I’m out at home and to a few people at school but I’m not sure how gay I act.

“What does the church think about it?” One of the popular girls, Lacey, asks.

“Good question Lacey! The church is accepting of gays and same sex couples. We believe that they should be welcomed into our church as long as they aren’t participating in homogenital sex. This is very similar to our beliefs in staying chaste before marriage.” She answers.

So what she’s saying is that the church accepts gay couples as long as they’re not having sex. Why the fuck does the church care about our sex lives? 

“Can gay people be priests and stuff?” Lucas, the boy sitting next to me, asks.

Fuck off Lucas, I don’t need attention drawn to me over here.

“Um, that’s a little complicated. We had a pope awhile back say that no, homosexual people cannot become nuns or priests, but our current pope has changed that. Now, it’s usually up to the seminary or convent whether or not they accept gays.”

So gays can’t be in an intimate relationship or join the holy orders. What the fuck are we supposed to do? This is bullshit.

“What do you think of this Kellin?” Jacque asks, a grin plastered all over her face. See? She enjoys embarrassing me. 

“I-I think that the church isn’t giving the lgbtq community m-many options. They can’t be in intimate relationships but they can’t be priests or anything...”

“Oh gays have many options! The church has many wonderful programs to help control and sometimes eliminate same sex attraction!”

You’re fucking kidding me.

“So basically you want to change them?”

A boy leans over to Lucas and doesn’t even lower his voice before he says “I bet Quinn just wants butt sex.”

Half of the room erupts into laughter and Jacque ignores it. This is her favorite method of discipline.

I shake my hair so it hides my face and I dig my fingernails into my palms. My eyes are stinging but I refuse to cry in here.

“They’re not trying to change gay people Kellin, they’re trying to fix them.” Another girl pipes up. Like that’s better or something.

I can’t do this. I don’t even think twice about it before I stand up and just walk out. I’m too caught up in my thoughts to hear if anyone shouts for me to come back. They probably don’t. Fuck, I basically just outed myself.

I go outside into the cool fall air and sit on the curb. My car wouldn’t start today so my mom gave me a ride. I could call her and tell her I need picked up early, but then I would have to tell her what happened. I’ll just wait for forty fucking minutes.

I feel a tear slip down my face and I curse myself for being an angry crier. I’m just embarrassed and pissed, not sad. When I look down I realize that I dug my nail into the flesh of my palm and it’s bleeding a little. Oh well.

My hair is blocking my peripheral vision and I almost jump out of my skin when someone sits next to me.

“Fuck!” I gasp, tucking my bleeding hand into my sleeve.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” The handsome boy, Vic I think, apologizes.

“It’s okay. You can go back in, I’m just waiting for my ride.”

“Nah, I couldn’t take anymore of that bullshit. Gays don’t fucking need fixed.”

I really look at him for the first time and I bet he can see the surprise on my face.

“Yeah, that was really bad. It’s like the church semi accepts us as long as we follow all of their rules.”

“So you are gay, huh?”

When did I say that? Oh, I said the church semi accepts “us”. Fuck.

“Oh um... y-yeah.”

“That’s cool. I am too.”

“Really?” I ask, the word just tumbling out without my permission.

“Yeah. Is that hard to believe?” He chuckles.

“N-no. I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect that.”

“It’s okay. Do you need a ride?”

“My mom will be here at the end of class.”

“In like half an hour?”

I nod.

“Come on, I’ll take you home. You couldn’t pay me to go back in there.”

I laugh.

“Okay, thanks.”

He stands up and holds out a hand to help me. I accept it with my not bleeding hand.

I follow him across the parking lot and he unlocks the doors to a little silver Honda Civic. It’s cute and clean.

“So are you new around here? I’ve never seen you at school or church or anything.” I ask, curious where this handsome boy has been all my life.

“Yeah, just moved from California with my family. My dad got a job here.”

He starts driving and I give him a few directions to my house.

“That makes sense. No one would choose Michigan over California unless they absolutely had to.” I joke. Michigan isn’t bad but I’ve always dreamed of living somewhere with a better music scene.

“It’s not so bad here. After I graduate in the spring I think I might hang around for awhile and save up before I move back to Las Angeles.”

“That’s cool. I’m graduating this year too but I don’t have any plans.”

“Everything will fall into place.” He says reassuringly.

The church is right outside of town so it only takes about ten minutes of chit chat before we’re pulling up to my house.

“Do you have a car?” Vic asks when he stops in the driveway.

“Yeah, it wouldn’t start today. I think it might need a battery.”

“Do you want me to pick you up for school tomorrow?”

I think about declining but I actually really want to see him again.

“If it’s not a problem, that would be great.”

“Okay here.” He pulls his phone out of the pocket of his skinny jeans and opens up a new contact. 

I take it from him and add my info before returning it.

“Thank you so much for the ride.” I chirp, opening my door.

“No problem, I’ll see you tomorrow Kellin.” 

I give him a little wave as I walk up the driveway. 

“Kellin?” My mom asks when I come in the back door.

“Yeah, class ended early so someone gave me a ride.”

“Oh, alright.”

I go up to my room and flop on my bed.

Vic is so nice that I didn’t even have trouble talking to him. I have a feeling I won’t be fixing my car for quite awhile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1447 words (I’m 99% sure but I’m too lazy to go double check)


	7. Self destruction (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm, self hate, depression.  
> AN: FYI this is actually based off personal experience, I do this every night lol. I wish I had a Vic to make me feel better :)

~Kellin pov~  
I look at the clock, it’s eleven at night and I should go to bed. I’m already sitting on my bed so it shouldn’t be too hard to just tuck myself in and sleep. Right?

Wrong. My depression does this sometimes. After I have a really shitty day, like I did today, I can’t let myself go to sleep. It’s super self destructive but I can’t help it, I just put off going to bed for hours.

I’m going to avoid that by doing all of my bedtime routine right now and going to bed.

I get up and go to the bathroom. I brush my teeth, brush my hair, and go pee. Out in my room I change into some sweats, staying shirtless and go back to my bed. I’m just going to set my alarm and then I’m ready.

Of course when I pick up my phone I have to talk to a couple of people on tumblr, check my Snapchats, watch a Marco Polo from my sister, and scroll Instagram. Just then a notification from YouTube pops up that my favorite music reaction channel just posted. I’m gonna watch that really quick.

When it’s done I know I really need to go to bed, it’s midnight and I have a headache.

I put my phone on to charge and get up, but before I can cross the room and shut off the little lamp on my desk, I think about the razor I keep in a book on my bedside table. Should I cut before I try to sleep? I usually cut when I’m panicky and I’m not right now, but what if I start having an anxiety attack? It’s probably better if I do it now. 

I pull down my sweatpants on one side to reveal my hip. There are so many scars that it’s shocking to me sometimes, but there’s only a few fresh cuts. I’ve been doing pretty good lately.

Getting out my razor I almost make the first line. The cold edge is pressed to my skin, but I suddenly think of my boyfriend, Vic. When he inevitably sees my cuts he’s gonna ask why I didn’t just call him or text or let him come over. 

After a second of debate I pull the side of my pants back up and reach over, grabbing my phone. I’m just gonna text him for a second and then decide if I still want to cut. I won’t even admit I’m thinking about it, maybe he can just distract me.

Kellin: You awake?

I wait and the little typing bubble appears.

Vic: Yeah, what’s up?

Kellin: nothin, you?

Vic: Finishing homework. 

Vic: You seemed off at school, everything okay?

Should I tell him the truth? He’s always very sweet about my bad days but I never want to drag him down.

Kellin: Yeah, fine. I should try to sleep :)

Vic: Okay, see you in the morning?

Kellin: Yep <3

Vic: <3

I definitely still need to cut. I’m such shit. Why didn’t I just tell him what’s going on? I could have just told him that when I woke up this morning I hated myself more than usual and that at school I cried in the bathrooms instead of going to third period. Why do I lie to him when I need help?

I locate the razor again and reveal my hip, digging into this time. The blood bubbles but doesn’t drip. I make a few more slashes before going to the bathroom and wiping them off with a tissue.

It’s 12:45 but I’m not tired now. I get back on Tumblr and reblog some sad shit. I don’t know why I do this, it only makes me feel worse. 

I’m gonna read some fanfic then go to bed, I promise. I pull up Wattpad and choose a story from my library, completely disregarding the trigger warnings I start reading. That was a mistake. The story includes self harm and depression, oops.

I’m straight up crying now. Why did I do this? An hour ago I was fine, I should have fucking gone to bed, but here I am with fresh cuts on my hip and tears rolling down my face. I don’t deserve sleep. I deserve to lay here and cry because I’m such shit. This is all my fault. I could be talking to Vic right now. Hell, he could physically be here with me by now, but no, I lied to him.

It’s past one in the morning now and my head is pounding. 

I’m still working though the triggering story when I get the notification for a text.

Vic: Kells?

Do I admit I’m still awake? Look where lying got me earlier. I’ve gotta suck it up and talk to him.

Kellin: Yeah

Vic: I was just on Tumblr and wanted to make sure you’re okay? Like for real?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, I forgot I let Vic follow me on Tumblr. No one else in my personal life follows me, but I let Vic because I trust him.

Kellin: Call me?

My phone instantly rings. I answer but speak in a quiet voice. My parents are asleep but they’re downstairs so I won’t bother them.

“Hey.” I murmur.

I’m laying on my bed with tears drying on my face and you can tell I’ve been crying by my rough voice.

“Hey baby.”

“I’m sorry I lied.” 

“It’s okay. Why did you?”

“I just didn’t want to make you sad or anything.”

“It makes me feel worse when you’re depressed and alone.”

“I know.”

“So you’re having a rough day?”

“Yeah, I’ve been sad since I woke up and I have a headache from the anxiety I had at school.”

“I’m sorry, do you want me to leave you alone so you can sleep? I didn’t wake you up did I?”

“No. I don’t think I’m gonna sleep.”

“But that will help your headache. You’ll probably feel a lot better in the morning.”

“I know. I just don’t...” I trail off cause I know that the end of that sentence is alarming.

“You don’t what?”

“I don’t deserve it Viccy.” I whimper, fresh tears rolling down my face.

“That’s not true and you know it honey. You deserve sleep and you deserve food and you deserve to be happy. Your brain is just fucking with you.”

“N-no. I don’t deserve anything. I’m fucked up because of myself Vic. I’ve brought all of this on myself. It’s in my head.”

Ever since I went to a shitty therapist that repeatedly told me I was fine, I’ve doubted that anything was actually wrong with me. I’m pretty sure I force depression on myself to be edgy or something. Maybe I learnt it from the media.

“Take deep breathes. That’s all bullshit. You’ve been to new therapists that diagnosed you with depression. You’re allowed to have bad days. You haven’t brought anything on yourself.”

“Yeah.” I sniffle.

“I know you don’t want to believe it, but that’s the truth.”

“Yeah.” 

“Did you cut?”

I don’t say anything. I don’t want to lie but I don’t want to confirm it.

“Have they stopped bleeding?” He asks calmly.

“They’re not deep.” I assure him.

“Okay. I want you to get some sleep. I’ll come get you for school and we can hang out afterwords too. We can like, snuggle and eat junk food and watch movies all day. Alright?”

“Okay.” I reply with a small grin on my face that I know he can’t see.

“Promise me you’re gonna go to bed. Okay?”

“Okay, I promise. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

We hang up and I plug my phone back in. I cross my room and blow my nose using a tissue from the box on my desk and then I turn off the lamp. 

It’s two thirty which means that if I could fall asleep right now I’m only gonna get like five hours of sleep before I have to get up for school. Fuck. I guess it’s better than nothing.

When my alarm goes off in the morning I groan. My head feels better and I can already tell that the heavy sadness is easing up a little bit. When I grab my phone I have a text from Vic that brings a smile to my face.

Vic: I hope you know that you deserve even more than just the bare necessities. You deserve to be happy :)

And unlike last night, I think I believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1497 words :)


	8. Eat a burger (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: this chapter is about weight.

~Awsten pov~  
Ever since I was little I’ve been very skinny. That’s all there is to it. Both of my parents are tall and skinny so it makes sense that I would be too. Of course society isn’t happy with that.

When I was younger I had a few people ask if I had an eating disorder, I had people tell me I should “eat a burger”, and even some family that tried to force feed me. Those things would happen every once in awhile but it didn’t bother me much.

Now I’m in my twenties and it bothers me. I don’t think I’m too skinny at all because I’m used to how I look, but according to complete strangers, I must have anorexia. I wish they would just mind there own fucking business.

My boyfriend, Geoff, went to work this morning but I have the day off, so I came to the mall to do some shopping. I’m in the Hot Topic dressing rooms and these skinny jeans are too big. I know that if I go down a size they’ll be too short, but I should try.

I put my own clothes back on and leave the dressing room to find an employee.

“Excuse me?” I say to a gothic girl. She’s super short and very cute.

“Yeah?”

“I was wondering if you have these in a smaller size?” I ask, holding out the jeans.

She scoffs a little and eyes my waist. “Um, no. You could try online but these are the smallest we carry in store.”

I feel like she’s judging me but she hasn’t really been rude so I just thank her and leave.

I’m hungry and some lunch in the food court might lift my spirits after that little encounter. I try not to be over sensitive, maybe she didn’t mean anything by scoffing.

I go up to the counter of one of the restaurants and place my order.

“Can I have a chicken sandwich and a small fry?” I ask the employee. He’s one of those teen guys that seems like he literally doesn’t give a shit about his job.

“Yep, anything else?”

“No, thank you.” I murmur as I hold out the cash to pay for it.

“They’ll bring it out for you.” He says, walking away from the counter.

I step back to wait but it only takes a few minutes before a lady carries a bag of food out. I’m the only one waiting so I step forward to take it.

“Of course it’s yours.” She says, laughing and handing it to me.

I’m confused cause she said that like she knows me or something.

“Yeah.” I chuckle awkwardly.

“It was either for a kid or for some anorexic person.” She mumbles under her breath as she leaves.

I’m not anorexic. I don’t have any eating disorders. I eat plenty for my size but my metabolism is quick and I stay skinny no matter what.

My eyes start stinging but I sniffle and rush to a booth on the complete other side of the food court. It’s early afternoon on a Tuesday so it’s pretty quiet in here. I sit and eat my food, trying to push that lady out of my head. What are the odds that two things like that would happen in one day? Wait no, because that Hot Topic employee was just confused. She wasn’t rude. I’m being ridiculous.

I finish my food and throw away my garbage before going out to my car. I’ve had enough of being out in public today.

I drive home and jam to my music, I’ve been super into this band called Wilson lately. They were a really small band from Michigan and I guess they broke up recently, but there album Tasty Nasty is really good.

I go back to my and Geoff’s apartment and take my few shopping bags into our room. I fold some new panties I bought and put them away with my others, and hang up a sweater that I’m still deciding if I like.

When everything is in its proper place I find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror hanging in our closet.

I’m too skinny. My wrists are tiny which make my hands look huge, I have a little belly but if I haven’t eaten in awhile it’s completely flat, and my thigh gap is gross. I know it’s something that most people would die for, but I hate it. I wish I was chunky like Geoff. He’s strong and healthy and no one ever tells him he’s underweight.

I take off the skinny jeans and t-shirt I had worn shopping and just put on some baggy sweats and a huge sweater. I’m tired of being able to see my body today, I want to hide it under thick fabric.

I go out to the kitchen and pop some popcorn. I’m gonna watch Netflix till Geoff gets home.

I plop down on the couch a few minutes later, snack in tow, and hide under a blanket too. Putting on Tiger King I let myself relax and enjoy the show.

I make it through two episodes before I hear the door rattle.

“I’m home!” Geoff yells when he steps in. He grins when he spots me on the couch. 

“Hi honey.” I greet him.

He comes over and joins me on the couch, pulling my onto his lap and kissing me.

“I missed you all day, it was so slow at the store.” He groans, making me giggle.

I rest my head back in his shoulder and sigh. I don’t want to tell him about my day.

My focus drifts to the show still playing, but then I start thinking about that lady at the mall. Why would she say that to me? Did she realize she was being rude?

“Everything okay baby?” Geoff asks, tightening his grip around my waist a little and hugging me.

I give a non committal shrug and pretend to keep watching the show. Geoff and I have talked about this a few times and he’s even been with me when people make comments, but it makes me uncomfortable. Weight isn’t something that I like to discuss, there are too many ways to insult people.

“You know you can tell me anything. Right?” He murmurs.

I sigh and turn to look at him for a second. He’s so cute and I love him, I should just be honest.

“This lady at the mall was just rude to me today.”

“I’m sorry. What’d she do?”

I fiddle with my sleeves.

“She just said something about me not ordering enough food or being anorexic or something.”

“She said you’re anorexic just by your lunch order? That’s so fucking rude. Did you see her name tag?”

I shake my head.

“I don’t want to get anyone in trouble. I’m just being sensitive.”

“No you’re not, that’s super offensive. She doesn’t know shit about you.”

It feels good that he’s upset too and justifying my feelings.

“Yeah, and right before that someone in hot topic laughed at me for needing a smaller size.” I admit, repositioning and snuggling into Geoff’s chest. He’s so cozy.

“What the fuck? Did everyone wake up on the wrong side of the bed today?”

I laugh.

“I hope you didn’t let any of it bother you too much. You know that you’re healthy and that I think you’re beautiful and that’s all that matters.”

I sigh and don’t say anything. 

“You know that, right Aws? You’re completely gorgeous just the way you are.”

“I was just thinking that maybe I should put on some weight. I mean, it would be really hard cause I don’t gain weight, I’ll have to eat a lot more, but maybe I should.”

“Is that why you’re dressed like this? You think you’re too skinny?” He asks.

I nod a little, feeling my eyes tear up.

“Awsten Constantine Knight, you’re not going to force feed yourself because some bitch thinks you’re underweight. You’ve been to the doctor and they always say that you’re the picture of health.”

I sit up and wipe away a couple of stray tears.

“Yeah, you’re right.” I mumble.

I lean forward and connect our lips, making out with Geoff lazily.

I pull away and give him a smirk.

“I bought some new panties, wanna see?” 

“Um, yes please.”

I go back to our room and strip out of the baggy clothes, slipping on a pair of dark blue, lace panties that hug my ass perfectly.

I look at myself in the mirror and smile. Geoff’s right, as long as I’m healthy, I’m beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1448 words :)


	9. Sexican (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings.

~Vic pov~  
It’s a Monday morning and I’m getting ready for school. I know most people don’t like school, but I really do. Not exactly for the education though.

I check my outfit in the mirror to be sure I look hot. My tightest black skinny jeans, white t-shirt that shows off my abs, and black vans. I mess with my curly hair until it looks right and then add the finishing touch, a collar. I own a few, one has a little bell that annoys the shit out of my friends, one has spikes, but today I put on a plain black one with a silver ring dangling off the front. This one is bdsm safe, meaning it’s sturdy enough to actually be pulled on and stuff without breaking.

I’m gonna be late for school if I primp any longer, so I find my car keys, grab my bag and leave my room.

“Mike! Time to go if you want a ride!” I shout.

Turns out he’s already waiting at the front door.

“You take longer to get ready than most girls, were gonna be late.” He grumbles.

I just shove him playfully and we go out to my car. Even my car is hot, it’s an old Camaro that I bought dirt cheap and fixed up. I’m not super good with mechanic work but my dad helped and I’m good at working on dents and stuff.

I drive us to school while we rock out to Green Day and as soon as I pull into a parking space Mike runs off to find his friends. 

I sling my bag over my shoulder and walk inside. I smile at a few people and exchange bro hugs with a couple of guys. I know a lot of people at school but I’m only close friends with a few. I finally make it to my locker and open it up, finding the books I’m gonna need for my first classes and putting them in my bag.

Before I can even register what’s happening I feel someone take my shoulder and spin me around, gently pressing my back against the lockers and connecting their lips with mine. My heart rate picks up but when I see that it’s just Andy I melt into the kiss. I love how much taller he is than me, it makes me feel all submissive. He tastes nice and minty when he slips his tongue into my mouth and his lips know exactly how to move with mine, we’re basically electric. His hands move away from my hips and down to my ass giving it a playful squeeze, I can’t help but moan into his mouth.

“Hey! Fuentes, Biersack, stop that right now!” A teacher reprimands us.

I groan and lean my head back against the lockers, forcing our lips to separate. 

The teacher didn’t even stop to see if we did as he said.

“I’ve got to get to class anyways.” Andy says, smiling down at me.

He hooks one finger through the loop on my collar and gives it a light tug.

“I like this.” He purrs, planting one last kiss on my lips then disappearing into the crowded hallway.

I finish packing my bag and shut my locker right as my friend Jaime appears next to me.

“Done making out with Sixx?” He asks with a shit eating grin on his face. Andy is in a band and has somehow gained the nickname Sixx, I’m sure he loves it cause it’s really badass.

“I am actually, thanks for asking.” I smirk, both of us beginning our walk to our first class.

“You’re such a shameless slut!” He laughs.

All of my friends tease me like this because they’re totally right, I’m a man whore. I love making out with people, I love giving blowjobs, and I love being fucked more than anything. I’m always careful and use protection, so it’s fine.

“I know, I wish Andy would actually fuck me though, he never wants to do more than make out.” 

“Oh my god ew.” Jaime groans as we enter the classroom.

We take seats at the back and I sit next to Chris Cerulli. I don’t really know him that well but we’re friendly and he’s hot.

“Hey Vic.” He says giving me a little nod.

“Hey.” I giggle flirtatiously.

I’ve heard that he’s super kinky and I’ve been dying to get him in bed ever since he transferred here at the start of the year. I think I’m getting close.

Classes are boring and the morning drags on until it’s lunchtime. Fucking finally.

I sit with my friends and eat an apple. I try to stay healthy and fit so I usually avoid cafeteria food and eat something decent when I get home. 

Mike is dragging on some long ass story when my eyes connect with someone else’s across the room.

Kellin Quinn.

Kellin is one of a kind. He’s a little taller than me with porcelain white skin and shoulder length, black, wavy hair. His eyes are blue-green like the ocean and making flirty contact with mine right now. Today the boy is wearing a light pink, crop top and a short, hot pink skirt. It’s ruffled and makes his hips look amazing.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and pull it out to check it quickly.

Kells: Usual place? ;)

Vic: Plz

I stand up and put my phone back in my pocket.

“Where are you going?” Tony asks.

“Oh, Vic the dick is going to fuck Quinn.” Mike murmurs, just loud enough so our table can hear it.

“Maybe I am.” I reply sassily.

I leave all my laughing a teasing friend at the table and go to the bathrooms by the art room. It might not be a super sexy location to hook up with people but for some reason no one ever uses these restrooms.

I go inside and find Kellin sitting on the counter, swinging his legs and playing with his hair.

“You’ve gotta stop eye fucking me.” I say, taking in how sexy he is.

“If you didn’t stare at me all through lunch then maybe I wouldn’t eye fuck you.”

“That’s fair.” I laugh.

He stands up and takes my hand, leading me into the big stall and locking the door behind us. He pushes my back against the wall and pins my wrists up beside me, crushing our mouths together.

Most people would think I’m the dominant one because I dress like a guy and Kellin wears skirts, but that’s bullshit. Kellin loves taking control and I love being controlled.

Our lips move feverishly together and Kellin lets go of my hands so I can bury them in his hair. He grabs my lower back and pulls me close to him and I can feel that he’s hard.

We pull apart, both gasping for air.

“Suck me.” He pants.

I nod and get down on my knees. This is one of my favorite things to do. I love making other guys feel good. I love the way they grab my hair, I love hearing them moan, and I love the way they get desperate when they’re about to cum.

Kellin does all of these things. He moans sensually when I lick his slit and pulls my hair to control how fast I’m going. I know he’s getting close when he basically fucks my mouth, making his dick slide down my throat until he shoots his cum. I gag a little but keep swirling my tongue and bobbing my head until he’s done. I clean up his entire length, like a good boy, before he loops a finger through my collar and pulls me up.

“You’re always so fucking good.” He purrs, leaning in and kissing me.

My dick is rock hard and Kellin is the only guy at school that helps me out.

It’s his turn to get down on his knees. It feels amazing to be free of my jeans and even better when I’m engulfed in his warm mouth. He swirls his tongue around my tip while making eye contact with me because he knows it drives me crazy. It doesn’t take long before I finish in his mouth with a moan and he stands up.

I kiss him quickly and pull him out of the stall.

“We’ve only got five minutes till the bell rings.” I say, running my fingers through my hair.

Kellin picks up his bag that he had left on the floor and pulls out a pack of gum, handing a piece to me and putting some in his mouth.

“Thanks.”

“No, thank you.” He says, kissing my jaw and leaving.

“Fuck.” I mumble to myself.

I basically spend the rest of my day waiting for it to be over. I do have another class with Chris and he gives me his phone number. I know that he’s aware of my reputation and hopefully he just wants to fuck.

I’m walking across the parking lot to go home when I see Mike.

“Mike! Do you need a ride?” I shout, unlocking the doors to my car.

“Nah, I’m going home with Tony!” He yells back.

I just wave and get in my car. 

I’m a block away from the school when it starts raining. Not drizzling, like pouring rain. I see someone huddled under a hoodie and walking at a brisk pace, but they’re gonna be soaked. Wait, I know that skirt!

I roll down my window and shout Kellin’s name.

“Vic?” 

“Yeah, get in!”

He hurries around the car and gets in the passenger seat. He’s already soaking wet and shivering so I turn on the furnace.

“Don’t you have a car?” I ask.

“No, I graduate next year and I won’t need one at college.”

“Oh, that’s actually smart thinking.”

“Yeah, until I’m dragging my ass home in this weather.” He laughs.

We talk about where he lives so that I can take him home before we fall into a comfortable silence. Green Day is still playing and I hum along to Basket Case.

“Can I ask you something?” Kellin says boldly. No one can say he’s shy.

“Sure.”

“Do you have like... a boyfriend?”

I immediately feel my face fall. My last boyfriend broke up with me because he was so paranoid I would cheat on him. He said “you were a slut when I met you and I bet you’re still a slut now.” After we broke up I gave up on real relationships and just focused on living up to my reputation.

“Um, no. Not right now.” I answer, trying to sound indifferent.

“Well you have my phone number if you ever want to hang out. I don’t mean just sex, like, we could go on a date.” 

I can’t believe how comfortably these words leave his mouth. Usually teenagers beat around the bush for months before they ask someone out on a date.

“I don’t know, maybe.” I reply, trying to end the conversation. Of course Kellin isn’t easily deterred.

“Why not?”

I hesitate a little.

“I have a bad track record with dating. You know, my reputation makes people uncomfortable.”

“Oh. You wouldn’t cheat on someone though, would you?”

“No, never.” I answer honestly.

“Then we don’t have a problem. What are you doing Friday night?”

I pull into his driveway.

“I’m free.” 

“Pick me up at seven?” He asks as he grabs his bag and opens the door.

“Yeah, sounds good.” I say, grinning like a dork.

“Thanks for the ride, text me!” He adds as before he shuts the door and dashes through the rain to his house. 

Kellin Quinn wants to be more than fuck buddies. Kellin, with the flirty eyes and beautiful hair, wants to date me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1937 words :)


	10. Club Soda (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of abuse

~Awsten pov~  
I’m walking from my apartment to the bar on fifth street. I started working at a coffee shop a couple weeks ago and my coworker, Geoff, invited me out for drinks with him and a bunch of his friends. 

I don’t drink but I’ve been really lonely since I moved to California, so I‘ve decided to go. I’m actually really nervous, nobody there is gonna know me except Geoff. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t fit in? What if Geoff ditches me and I’m still lonely all night?

I shake off all of these worries as I enter the front doors of the bar. It’s kinda dim in here with a long counter along one side of the room and small tables all around. I spot Geoff, but quickly make my way to get a drink first. I’m gonna need something to keep my hands busy.

“What can I get you?” The bartender asks me.

“Um, can I just get a club soda with a splash of cranberry juice?”

This is my go to non-alcoholic drink.

“Sure.”

The guy mixes it up and then hands it to me.

“Thanks.”

I pay for it and sit on a stool to collect myself before joining the group. Why did I decide to do this? Yes I’m lonely and would like some more friends but I have pretty bad social anxiety.

“What can I get you?” The bartender asks a man beside me.

“Whatever he’s having.” 

I look up and Geoff is pointing at my drink and smiling. I smile back and blush a little. Geoff is really cute and his eyes are gorgeous. Sometimes I think he’s flirting with me at work, but I’m not sure.

“Were you gonna come over and say hi or just drink alone tonight?” He teases me.

“I was coming over.” I murmur as the bartender gives Geoff his drink. He takes a sip and looks at me.

“What am I drinking?” He inquires with an amused grin on his face.

“Oh, it’s just club soda with cranberry juice.” 

“Wait, you’re twenty-one, right?” 

“Yeah, yes! Sorry, I just don’t drink.”

“That’s cool, why not?” 

I try not to panic. This is a normal question. A question that I desperately don’t want to answer in front of this many people.

“I-it’s a long story.” I stutter.

He looks at me with those perfect eyes and nods a little.

“Well come on, you have to meet everyone.” 

Geoff takes my hand and leads me over to a table of his friends. I’m still reeling from the feeling of his warm skin on mine when he starts making introductions.

“Everyone, this is Awsten, he’s a friend from work.”

Everyone smiles and greets me. I give them an awkward little wave.

“Awsten, that’s Otto, Jawn, Andy, Beau, Val, Vic, and Kellin.” He says, pointing to everyone as he goes.

I can tell right off the bat that Beau and Val are a couple, they look at each other with pure affection on their faces. I come to learn that they actually have a daughter, I guess she’s home with a babysitter tonight.

It takes awhile longer for me to realize that Vic and Kellin are a couple, but they flirted and teased each other enough that I figured it out. It makes me happy because that means that Geoff will at least be cool with me being gay, even if he isn’t himself.

The night is actually really fun. Everyone is super nice and they ask me questions so I can join in on their conversations. They all drink which makes me a little nervous, but I feel better because Geoff drinks his club soda and never goes up for anything else. If anyone tried to hurt me at least Geoff is sober.

Eventually Andy is so wasted that he tries to kiss Jawn and ends up falling off his bar stool. Val and Beau say they live close to his place so they’re gonna help him home. From there the party starts breaking up because most of us have to work in the morning.

I check my phone and see that it’s midnight.

“I’m gonna head home.” I say to Geoff, standing up and patting my pockets to be sure I have my wallet.

“Okay, I’ll walk you to your car, this is a rough neighborhood.” He offers, standing beside me.

“I actually walked, but I’ll be fine.” I assure him.

“No, I want to walk with you. If that’s okay?”

I nod and we go out into the cool night air. I love fall in California because it’s still warm in the day but it cools off as the sun goes down. In Texas we didn’t really have fall, it was still really hot in October.

“I’m just eight blocks that way.” I point, letting Geoff know that we don’t have to go too far.

“Okay.” He chirps.

We walk in silence for a bit before he clears his throat.

“You know, tonight was the first time in forever that I hung out with friends and didn’t drink.”

“Really?” I ask, not too surprised. With most friend groups there’s no question if they’re going to drink or not. I guess it’s the natural thing to do together.

“Yeah, I’ve know those guys since we were all teenagers and we always drink together, but it was actually nice to just talk and not be all fucked up.”

I smile at him. That’s a really sweet thing for him to tell me. Not only did he try out my lifestyle, but he liked it too.

“Is there a specific reason you don’t drink?” He asks.

I take a deep breath and let it out, trying to exhale my thoughts so I don’t actually have to speak them. It doesn’t work.

“Yeah, my mom left when I was really little and my dad was an alcoholic. Whenever he’d get drunk he would abuse me.” I admit, my voice shaking a little bit. I just left my dad a few years ago and everything still feels fresh.

“Oh my god, Awsten that’s awful. I’m really sorry.” 

“It’s okay. I decided a long time ago that I never want to be a drinker because I like being in control of my actions. I never want to hurt someone I love.”

“I totally get that. Is that why you looked so nervous when Andy was being stupid?”

I nod.

“Drunk people are so unpredictable.”

“Yes, they definitely are.” He chuckles.

We’re coming up to my apartment door now so I stop walking and turn to Geoff.

“Thank you for walking with me. You really didn’t need to.” 

“No problem, I wanted to.” He smiles.

I have a quick memory of him holding my hand at the bar and flirting with me at work and now walking me home.

“Geoff, are you straight?” I ask bluntly, quickly blushing as soon as the words leave my mouth.

He laughs. I deserve that.

“No, Awsten, I’m not straight.”

“Oh. Do you wanna go out sometime?” I ask with a little grin.

“Yeah, I’d love to. Text me, okay?” 

“Okay.” I confirm.

I open up the door to my building and he starts walking backwards away from me.

“Goodnight Awsten.” He says.

“Night Geoff.” I call out, then go into the building. 

When I enter my apartment that usually seems empty and cold, I think of Geoff and it magically feels a little less lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1255 words :)


	11. Pity date (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Self harm, homophobia

~Vic pov~  
“Vic, we’ve got a new kid starting today and you’re training him!” My boss, Jake, yells from the back room.

“Okay!” I shout back. We don’t get many new employees so I’ve never trained anyone, but I’ve been working here for years so I should be able to do a decent job.

Jake comes out from his office and leans against the counter across from me.

“His name is Kellin and he’ll be working from noon to close today. Just show him the ropes, help him out and um... don’t comment on his arms, okay?”

I’ve been wiping down the front counter but I stop and look at him.

“What wrong with his arms?”

Jake hesitates.

“Um, he’s got a bunch of scars and he doesn’t seem to cover them at all. As long as he’s a good worker we don’t have a problem.”

I nod.

“Okay, yeah.”

Jake seems pleased with our conversation and goes back to his office, leaving me to finish getting the shop ready to open.

Scars? Like surgery or burns? Or something else? I’m glad Jake warned me so I can be prepared and not make a fool of myself.

As soon as we open up we have our usual morning rush. This is a really small shop so it’s just me, Jake, and another guy, Christian, working. It’s busy but we’re like a well oiled machine, so the time flies.

Before I know it the crowd starts to thin out and I can relax. Jake comes up to me with a cute kid. He’s probably my age, early twenties, with pitch black hair to his shoulders and beautiful blue green eyes. Couldn’t Jake have warned my poor, gay ass that Kellin is also gorgeous?

“Vic, this is Kellin. Kellin, this is Vic, he’ll be training you.”

I reach out and shake his hand as we smile at each other.

“Nice to meet you.” I greet him.

“Yeah, you too.” He says politely. He seems a little shy.

Jake leaves us to work and I begin explaining the basics of the job. We go over how the cash register works and then I show him around the counter with all of the coffee machines.

When he starts working the register on his own I get a good look at his arms. I’ve pretty much ignored them and tried to stay focused on our training, but now I’m standing a little behind him so I can look without being rude.

He has super smooth, pale skin, so the scars stand out very noticeably. From the crook of his elbow to the end of his wrist on both arms is a mess of lines. They’re obviously self inflicted, but all healed. They look kind of interesting because they’re all the same tone of pale red like he always cuts the exact same depth. There’s got to be at least forty on each arm and it makes me wonder how long he cut himself.

Our day goes without a hitch. After we spend more time together he seems less shy and it turns out we share a lot of interests. We’re both into alternative music, old horror movies, and playing guitar. I’m really happy we’re going to be working similar shifts. 

“See you tomorrow.” I chirp as I get in my car.

“See ya.” He yells, strolling down the sidewalk.

I wonder if he has a car and just chooses to walk or if I should offer him a ride. I’ll feel it out soon.

~Kellin pov~  
I’ve been working at Black Veil Coffee Co. for a few weeks now and I love it. You know what I love even more? My coworker, Vic. He was really patient while training me and never made a big deal out of my arms. Not to mention the fact he’s fucking sexy. I’d love to have those strong, tan arms wrapped around me, but I don’t think he’s gay.

I usually look forward to work, but today is different because I cut last night.

I was three months clean but my mom called for the first time since I left Michigan and she told me not to visit. That was the entire reason she called. Yeah, I did move out in a hurry after my dad caught me making out with a boy, but I thought things would cool off. According to my mom they are still pissed and they don’t want to see me unless I’m coming home with a girlfriend.

Of course this upset me and before I knew it I had a ten fresh cuts on my left wrist.

Now I’m fucked and super nervous for work. I had the option if I wanted a long sleeve uniform or t-shirt and I went with the latter because I’m not ashamed of my scars. I am ashamed of fresh cuts though.

I layer a black, long sleeved shirt under my uniform and hope it’s okay with Jake.

Nobody says anything about my added layers when I get to work even though Vic does look at me a little funny. Rightfully so, I mean, I’ve worn the exact same thing every day for nearly a month and now, in the dead of summer, I’m suddenly dressing warmer? It’s definitely weird.

The morning was busy and now it’s mid-afternoon. I’m making drinks and Vic is running the register. We’re having the after work rush and Christian called in sick so it’s just gonna be us. We’re always allowed to yell for Jake if we need him, but I’m holding up for now.

I don’t even think about it as I push my sleeves to my elbows. I’ve been used to showing my arms for months now and it’s hot as hell in here, but I realize my mistake as I hand a cup to Vic.

His eyes land on the drink I’m holding, but travel to my arm and then widen. I look down too and almost curse when I’m reminded of the damage I inflicted last night.

Vic takes the drink and I yank my sleeve down, leaving the other one up because I’m still warm.

“Sorry.” I mumble to Vic. Thank goodness we’re busy so he can’t say anything. Maybe he’ll just forget what he saw.

We have a steady stream of customers for the rest of the day and I’m happy when we’re locking up and leaving the building. 

“Bye.” I chirp to Vic, walking towards my apartment. I’m barely making enough money to cover food and rent so I just walk everywhere.

“Hey, Kells? Do you want a ride?” He asks.

Fuck fuck fuck. No not really.

“Sure.” I agree quietly.

I’ve been wanting to talk to him more outside of work but it’s just never happened. Of course I know why he’s doing this tonight, but it’s as good of a starting point as anything.

I walk over and get in the passenger seat of his car.

“Thanks.” I say, buckling my seat belt as he starts the car. The radio turns on and he’s been listening to Falling In Reverse, which I love.

“No problem. Do you have a car?” He asks curiously.

“Not yet, I’m saving up for one.”

He nods and pulls out of the parking lot. I explain where my apartment is and he turns out onto the road. 

We only drive for a couple of minutes before we get stuck in traffic.

“Fuck, it looks like there was an accident.” Vic sighs.

“I probably would have been faster just walking home.” I tease.

Vic pretends to be insulted.

“Are you saying you aren’t happy to be stuck with me? Your dearest coworker?”

I can’t help but laugh. He’s so cute and charming. Maybe now’s a good time to figure out if he’s gay.

“I am actually happy to be stuck with you.” I admit, feeling a subtle blush cover my cheeks.

He smiles at me.

“Really Vic, thank you for being so nice to me. You know I’m new around here and it’s been really nice having a friend.”

“You don’t need to thank me, I like being your friend.”

I feel a little lump in my throat. I don’t know if I’m disappointed because I’ve just friend-zoned myself or if I’m really happy. Happy, I think.

“Why do you hurt yourself?” He asks boldly. I almost choke on air.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Just ignore me.” He apologizes, looking a little flustered.

I focus on the slow moving cars for a minute while I try to decide what to say. Obviously I can’t actually ignore him.

“I was just upset last night, I’m not like, suicidal or anything.” 

He looks at me with sympathy all over his face and I hate it. I don’t want sympathy from him.

“What were you upset about?”

How much should I tell him?

“My mom called me.”

“Oh, do you not have a good relationship?”

“We used to but then...a few months ago my dad found me kissing a boy and they kinda kicked me out. That’s why I moved here. I hadn’t heard from them in two months and then last night my mom just decided to call.” I explain.

“What’d she say?” He asks hesitantly.

“That they don’t want to see me again unless I’m straight.” I say, my voice coming out strained.

“Shit, that’s terrible. I’m really sorry.”

I rub my eyes even though I’m not crying, they kinda burn.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Would it make you feel any better to know that I’m gay too?”

“Really? I had wondered.” I murmur the last part quietly.

“Yeah, and I think you’re really cute and funny and that your parents are missing out.”

The innocent blush on my face deepens to an embarrassing red tone. I hide my face behind my hair.

“Thanks.” I say softly.

“Maybe we could go out after work tomorrow? If you want?”

I glance up despite my embarrassment and look into his dark brown eyes.

“Yeah, I definitely do want to.”

“And maybe if you’re ever feeling upset again you could call me instead of hurting yourself?”

Oh. I feel a frown settle on my lips. This is all for pity. He doesn’t actually like me, his instincts are just kicking in to help the poor depressed kid.

“What?” He asks with confusion prominent on his features.

The cars start moving faster as we pass the accident and we’re getting close to my building.

“Nothing, I just remembered that I-I think I’m actually busy tomorrow.”

“Oh. Did I say something wrong? You can tell me. Sometimes I just talk too much.”

I look out the window and sigh.

“I just don’t want to go on some pity date. But thanks for the offer.” 

“No! No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“I want to go on a date because I really like you and I think you’re funny and pretty. Of course I’d love to be there for you when you’re...sad, but I understand if you don’t trust me like that.”

“So you’re not trying to fix me or something?” I double check.

“Definitely not.”

I nod as we pull into the parking lot.

“Okay. Then I re-accept your invitation.”

He laughs which is one of my favorite sounds.

“I’m glad we cleared that up.”

I unbuckle my seat belt and open my door.

“Thanks again for the ride.”

“You’re welcome, I’ll see you tomorrow. Be sure and bring a good date night outfit!” He adds, making me chuckle.

“I’ll bring my prettiest dress!” I joke as I shut the door. I watch him laugh and wave before he backs out.

I’m so glad he didn’t seem put off by my craziness. Yet at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1975 words :)


	12. Bathroom bartender (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Abuse, vomiting

~Kellin pov~  
“Kellin Quinn Bostwick get your ass down here this fucking instant!” I hear my mom scream.

Fantastic.

I’m getting ready to meet my friend, Vic, at a concert but I know better than to ignore my mom.

I rush downstairs and find her in the kitchen, staring daggers at her laptop.

“Your report card was just emailed to me.” She spits.

Oh, I immediately understand her anger.

“You’re failing a bunch of classes, do you fucking want to be held back? Huh?”

Maybe if you and Dad weren’t up all night screaming at each other so I could actually do homework, we wouldn’t have this problem. I don’t say that to her of course.

“I’m sorry m-“ I start, but she interrupts me with a harsh slap across my face.

“Fuck!” I yell, caught off guard. I put my cool hand against my cheek to calm the burning but it’s not much help.

It’s not uncommon for my parents to hit me but for some reason it’s always surprising. Sometimes parents yell because they care, but nobody ever hurts someone they care about. They don’t care about me.

“Get your sorry, pathetic, disappointing ass out of my house. I can’t stand to look at you tonight.”

I nod at her a little and feel a tear slip out of my eye.

I rush upstairs, grab my phone and wallet, and fly back down to the front door.

It was almost time for me to leave anyways since I have to walk. My parents are stupid with their money and I can’t handle a job on top of school and homework, so I don’t have a car, but I like walking places anyways.

Vic and I are seeing some local band at this shitty bar downtown. They let minors drink and I guess Vic knows someone in the band or something. I don’t really care, as I walk to the venue I just feel pissed. I’ve been trying my best to stay out of trouble in school even though everyone hates me because I’m poor and gay. I’ve been trying my best to pay attention in classes but it doesn’t fucking matter if I don’t have one second of quiet when I’m at home to actually do homework. The only reason I’m failing classes is because I straight up don’t turn in my work. Cause it’s not done. I can’t even go to a coffee shop or library to study because my parents have me on pretty tight lockdown. I guess not tonight.

When I walk up to the bar Vic is already waiting for me, I guess I underestimated my walking time.

“Hey.” He chirps.

“Hey.” I reply, trying not to sound like a dick. I just really want to go inside and get wasted.

So that’s what I do with my evening. I start with a few shots, move to beers, lots of beers, then accept a mini bottle of vodka from some guy in the bathroom. 

I stumble out after my restroom bartender is out of booze and my world is spinning. I don’t know what time it is or how long I’ve been here. The music is super loud so that means the show must have started. Did I come here with someone? Oh yeah, Vic. Poor Vic, I’ve totally ditched him. I should go find him.

I stumble through the crowd but it’s dark and I can’t see shit. My stomach lurches and I make my way outside. The cold night air feels good but I’m still nauseous.

“I was wondering when you’d show up.” A voice says behind me. It’s Vic, leaning against the building, his hands in his pockets and a cigarette hanging from his lips. He has nice lips.

“What are you doing out here?” I slur.

“I was waiting for you.”

“But the show?” I know that’s not a complete sentence but he knows what I mean.

“It’s not fun without you.”

I feel like shit. Vic wanted to have fun with me but I fucked it up. Just like I fuck up everything. Speaking of feeling like shit, I’m gonna throw up.

I lean over into the bushes along the building and hurl up everything I’ve eaten today along with a large portion of alcohol.

Vic appears at my side and helps me keep my hair back.

“Thanks.” I mutter, already feeling a little better. I’m still drunk off my ass but at least the world is holding still.

“Let’s get you home.” He sighs.

He drapes my arm across his shoulders which works pretty well cause I’m a little taller than him, and he helps guide me up the street.

Home. He’s taking me home. Wait.

“Fuck, no. I can’t go home.” I mumble.

“What? Why?”

“My mom doesn’t want me.” I state simply. For some reason I feel like I shouldn’t tell him anything about my parents but I just don’t have any filter right now.

“Oh, let’s go back to my place. It’s close.” He offers. I nod and we start walking again in the opposite direction.

“Yeah, my mom was pissed.” I sigh.

Vic hums and chuckles a little. I don’t think he believes me.

“No really, she was mad about my grades and she hit me, but it’s okay. I’ll just do better. She hits me because she cares.” I ramble.

“Your mom hit you?”

“Yeah, yeah. Sometimes. Don’t worry, it’s okay. I’ll just do better.” I repeat. He must’ve missed that the first time.

“I didn’t know that Kells, she shouldn’t do that.”

“She told me she didn’t want to see me tonight. Cause I’m failing school. That’s why I’m so drunk. I hate my life.” I laugh. I’m not sure what’s funny about that but I’m really cracking up now.

Vic doesn’t say anything, he just helps me into his apartment building and up the stairs. The next thing I know I’m laying on an amazingly soft bed and my eyes fall shut.

~Vic pov~  
Kellin passes out in my bed so I go to the bathroom and take a shower. I’m all sweaty and someone spilled their drink on my back during the opening band.

When I’m done I crawl into my bed next to Kellin. We’re pretty close so I don’t think he’d have a problem with this and I really don’t want to sleep on my uncomfortable couch.

Even though I’m exhausted my brain won’t let me sleep. Kellin’s mom hits him. I’m sure he didn’t mean to tell me that, given that he’s never mentioned it while he was sober. I don’t know if I should bring it up in the morning or if I should just pretend I don’t know. That seems wrong. He was so upset tonight that he got drunk out of his mind. If I hadn’t been there I don’t know if he would be okay.

I finally get a few hours of sleep but Kellin is up puking again around four in the morning. I just let him handle it himself, not wanting to be too overbearing. 

When I wake up again the other boy is still asleep next to me and he looks like hell. He’s paler than usual and his hair is greasy. He’s going to feel terrible.

I look at the clock and find it’s past noon. I’m glad we got at least a little sleep this morning. 

Crawling out of bed I try not to bother Kell, I think he can use as much rest as he can get.

I go out to the kitchen and make myself some food, then I pour Kellin a glass of water, a mug of coffee, and I make him a dry piece of toast. Lastly I dig around until I come up with some ibuprofen and I sit the bottle next to his food.

I hear him groan and the bed squeak before he shuffles into the bathroom. I listen as he brushes his teeth and turns on the shower. I’m glad he’s comfortable here. We spend quite a bit of time together but I’ve always felt like we were just casual friends. I don’t want to be casual friends with him, I want to be close. I would actually date him but I don’t think he feels that way about me.

About half an hour later he comes out of the bathroom looking much more refreshed but still very pale.

“Morning.” He mumbles, squinting against the harsh light flooding my little kitchen.

“Morning. I made you breakfast.” I motion to his place at the table.

“Thanks, but ew.” 

I can’t help but laugh.

“Eat and take your painkillers. You’ll feel better.”

“I know I know.” He groans.

He takes his seat and I join him. I don’t know if I’m just keeping him company or if I want to bring up his situation at home. It seems a little mean to bring it up while he’s hungover but it’s gonna be weird if I wait.

He takes the pills and then munches on his toast and drinks his water.

“Thanks for letting me stay. I’m sorry I got so trashed.”

“Don’t worry about any of it.” I say, brushing him off. I’m glad I was there last night and I’m always happy to have him here. Even when he’s not in the most fun state.

“I didn’t do anything embarrassing? Did I?” He asks, concern laced in his voice.

“What do you remember?”

“Um, the last thing I really remember is throwing up at the venue, after that I can picture bits and pieces of walking home but nothing else.”

“Hmm, well there wasn’t much opportunity for embarrassment. We just came home and you passed out.”

“Thank god. I know I shouldn’t drink so much.”

I nod in agreement.

“Listen Kells, you told me something that I don’t think I’m supposed to know but I do now and it’s gonna be weird if I never bring it up.”

“Oh fuck, I told you about the guy in the bathroom huh?”

“What? No. I don’t want to know either.”

“Good choice.” He chuckles, sipping his coffee.

“You told me that you couldn’t go home because your mom didn’t want you.”

He stills and then tries to act casual. There’s a difference between someone actually being casual and someone acting casual.

“I was drunk Vic, I just meant that I told her I was staying here.”

I look at him wondering if he thinks I’m stupid.

“You said that she didn’t want you home because she was pissed about your grades and hit you.”

A blush covers his face as he pushes his fingers through his damp hair.

“You’re not gonna buy any bullshit, are you?” He murmurs.

I shake my head.

“Yeah, it’s whatever. I’m failing a bunch of classes and she was upset that I’m not gonna graduate. The hitting thing is rare, she’s just overwhelmed.” He says smoothly. I know I should just take his explanation and let it go, but I don’t want to. I want to help him.

“We used to study together and you’re smart as fuck, why are you failing classes?” I press.

He sips his coffee and studies his mug, refusing to look me in the eye.

“I haven’t been turning in homework cause I can’t get it done.” He admits with a sigh.

He finally glances up and I give him an expectant look.

“I can’t fucking finish my homework cause my parents scream at each other all fucking night. Happy?” He says, seeming agitated.

“No, I’m not happy, that’s terrible.”

“Well it’s my life so-“ He doesn’t really finish his sentence and stands from the table.

“Come on Kell, I didn’t mean it like that. Sit down and finish your food.”

He shoots me a glare but sits back down.

“I just meant that you shouldn’t have to deal with that. Is there anything I can do to help?”

He looks at his plate, flicks his eyes up to mine, then looks back down.

“Can I stay here? Just for awhile?”

I’m surprised. I figured he’d tell me to fuck off since he seems pretty defensive about all of this.

“Yeah, of course you can. What are you gonna tell your parents?”

“I don’t know, I’ll just tell them that I’m moving out. I turn eighteen next month anyways. I’ll just stay here until then and figure it out from there.”

“I mean, if you wanted to chip in with food and rent you could stay here. Like, you could move in.” I offer, silently praying he’ll say yes. I’ve been working my ass off to keep this place without a roommate helping me.

“That-that would actually be really cool. Are you sure?”

“Yeah, definitely.” I say, smiling. “There’s a second room but I’ve just been using it for storage. I can clean it out.”

“Alright, no rush. I don’t have a problem sharing a bed or taking the couch.” He says, a grin tugging at the corners of his lips.

“I’ll start working on it today, I want my roommate to be comfortable.”

“As long as you don’t scream at me or anyone else then I’m already more comfortable than I have been in a long time.” He says quietly.

“Deal.” I say with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2225 words :)


	13. It can be done (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings.  
> AN: This is smut so don’t read if you’re not into that~

~Awsten pov~  
We were told we couldn’t do it. We were told that nobody actually makes it to their honeymoon destination on their wedding night. Everyone ends up booking a hotel room in their own city and calling it good enough.

Not me and Geoff.

We got up at the crack of dawn this morning to get ready for our wedding. The ceremony happened early in the afternoon, it was followed by cake and champagne afterwords, and then we jetted off to Hawaii.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m exhausted when we make it to our room, but the night is still young and we successfully did it!

“Strip down, we’re taking a twenty minute nap.” Geoff says, showing me that he set an alarm on his phone.

“That sounds amazing.” I groan.

We put our bags on the couch of our suite. It’s really nice in here with a king size bed, a jacuzzi, and a bottle of champagne nestled in a bucket of ice on the entertainment center. The best part is the view though. We’re looking right out over the water but it must not be a popular beach cause there aren’t any annoying kids or tourists in sight.

We changed into comfortable clothes for traveling, so at least I’m not still in my suit, but sleeping naked with Geoff sounds like the perfect way to start our evening. I leave my clothes in a pile on the floor and crawl under the covers of the bed. The sheets are silky and feel great on my skin.

I watch as Geoff kicks off his boxers and crosses the room. He’s so fucking hot. I’ve seen him naked more times than I can count and we’ve fooled around plenty, but somehow we’ve saved sex for tonight. Maybe it’s because I’m nervous so I’ve always backpedaled at the last minute.

He joins me under the covers and scoots close.

“Rest for awhile baby.” He whispers in my ear. His breath is warm on my skin and it almost causes me to shiver.

I snuggle my back into Geoff’s chest and he wraps his arms firmly around my waist. I let my eyes drop shut, convinced I’m not gonna be able to sleep.

I was wrong, I definitely slept and now the alarm startles me awake.

It stops which means my husband is awake too. Oh my god, he’s my husband. I can’t believe we’re married!

Geoff hugs me close again and starts kissing the back of my neck. It feels nice so I just lay still, pretending to sleep so he’ll keep going.

“Wakey wakey Mr. Wigington.” He murmurs.

I groan, still not wanting to admit I’m up.

He licks the shell of my ear slowly which feels surprisingly erotic and at the same time he moves his hand around to my dick, rubbing it gently.

“Okay, okay, I’m awake.” I giggle.

“I know.” 

He keeps teasing me by not actually giving me friction, just ghosting along my length. I’m getting harder and harder without even trying.

“Fuck.” I pant.

I place my hand over his, trying to make him rub me harder, but he removes it altogether.

I turn over in his arms.

“That was mean.” I grumble, planting a kiss on his jaw.

“No, it was fun, and hot. I love it when you’re all desperate.” 

I wrap my arms around his neck and forcefully kiss him. I’m too horny to mess around with being sweet, I want to feel Geoff all over me. I tangle my fingers in his hair and tug gently, pulling him closer. His palms are cupping my ass and causing our dicks to rub together. It’s not nearly enough contact but it feels amazing. Geoff’s tongue is exploring my mouth until I close my swollen lips around it and suck gently. When I open up again I take dominance for a change. He tastes like cake and alcohol, probably the drinks he had on the flight more than the champagne he drank hours ago.

Geoff pulls away from me for a second to catch his breath and he holds a couple of his fingers up to my mouth. This is new for us. I open up and let him put them in my mouth before sucking on them, making sure they’re good and wet.

We shift and I lay on my back while he hovers over me.

Neither of us are virgins so I shouldn’t be nervous, but this is our first time I want it to be perfect. Almost all of my experiences with sex have been clumsy one night stands and it didn’t matter how I performed. This time I want to look hot and I want Geoff to feel good but I know I should be pleasured too.

“You okay?” Geoff asks huskily. Even his voice is turning me on right now.

“Yeah.” I breath. Sure, I might be a little jittery but it’s just Geoff. I trust him. Even if it’s not technically perfect, it will be special because I’m doing it with him.

He leans down and starts kissing me slowly and sensually. I feel him massaging my hole which actually feels good, then he lets one finger dip inside. I’m not surprised by the slight stinging I feel, it’s been awhile since I’ve done this. Once his first finger has bottomed out he adds a second one and begins really stretching me. Nothing he does hurts, I feel some discomfort, but his fingers don’t bring me any pain.

“Is that good?” He asks, breaking our kiss after he fits three fingers inside me.

“God, yes. Please.” I whimper. Any stinging has faded away and I desperately need something bigger inside me.

“You want me to fuck you, huh? You want me inside you?” He asks, slipping his fingers out of me.

“Yes, yes! I want your cock inside me so bad baby. Fuck me!” I moan, gaining enough volume that someone in the hall could probably hear me. I couldn’t care less about that though.

He slicks himself up with some lube he must have put on the bedside table. He wipes his hand on the sheets and takes mine, twining our fingers together. Smiling, he leans down to make out again. We may dirty talk and have a couple of mild kinks, but in the end we really love each other and we aren’t rough in bed.

I feel his tip enter me slowly, then press further in. He stretched me thoroughly and must have used quite a bit of lube because I don’t feel any pain or resistance. He glides all the way in until his hips are flush with my ass.

“You good?” He asks, waiting to move in case I’m in pain.

“Really good.” I smile.

He sits up instead of leaning over me and begins to pull himself out. The friction feels good and when he pushes back in I let out a moan. He hasn’t hit my prostate or done anything that’s incredible for me, but just being this close with him turns me on. It’s not awkward sex with some stranger, it’s not fooling around just to get off, this is making love. As he moves his hips I can feel every inch of him glide inside of me, rubbing against my walls, and then retreat back out. I unclasp my hand from his and begin jerking myself off slowly, not wanting to cum too soon.

“Do you feel good honey?” Geoff asks, pushing himself all the way into me and leaning down to suck a hickey into my neck.

“Yeah.” I breath.

“Wanna change positions?” 

“Yeah.” I reply again, finding it hard to speak as he presses his lips to a sensitive spot on my neck.

I know that our current position probably feels amazing for him, because everything does for a top, so it’s sweet that he’s thinking of me.

He pulls out and sits back, giving me room to get up.

I turn around and get on all fours in front of him. I know a lot of bottoms don’t love doggy style but I’ve always found that it makes my prostate easy to find.

Geoff grabs my ass cheeks and gives them a firm squeeze. 

“Mmmmmm.” I moan, loving how it feels when he spreads me apart like that.

“Oh my god, you’re so pretty.” He murmurs, maybe to himself but I hear and smile. How did I find someone so perfect?

He runs his thumb over my hole before pressing his cock deep into me. I think his pre cum is acting as lube because he still slides in smoothly. He fucks me like this a couple of times before slightly changing his angle and hitting that little bundle of nerves inside of me that makes me instantly scream.

“Yes!”

“Right there?” He pants, his voice low and full of lust.

“Please, yes!” I moan, dropping from my hands to my forearms and arching my back. 

I can’t believe how amazing he feels every time he fucks me. It felt good before but this is on a whole new level. I reach in between my legs and stroke myself quickly, knowing I’m getting close to climaxing. I was worried that since I haven’t had penetrative sex in awhile that I would orgasm embarrassingly fast, but I’m happy with how long I’ve lasted. I’m actually getting pretty desperate now.

“Keep going honey, I’m close.” I whine.

“Me too.” He grunts, thrusting into me faster.

I keep stroking myself in time with his movements and before I know it I feel a wave of pleasure crash over me. I don’t have any chance of holding it off if I wanted to. All I feel is pleasure and love coursing through my veins. I close my eyes and let out a slutty moan. Geoff slows his movements a little but starts pushing deeper into me, his rhythm is sloppy and I know he’s about to lose it. Sure enough, just as I start feeling too sensitive he pulls out and I feel strings of his sperm land on my back. Just knowing that he came on me makes my penis twitch.

I push myself up to my knees and turn around, softly kissing him. Both of us are exhausted and my lips are swollen and a little raw, but I don’t care. Geoff breaks our kiss and pulls me into a firm hug, it’s comforting and warm.

“I’m so glad you’re my husband.” I murmur into his neck.

“Just cause I’m good in bed?” He teases.

“Mostly cause I love you...but yeah, that too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1777 words :)


	14. Catholic gays (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: none  
> AN: this is probably gonna happen to me at some point when I get a girlfriend...

~Awsten pov~  
How have I gotten myself into this situation? There’s no way this is going to end well.

“Geoff are you ready? We need to leave in like two minutes.” I shout to my boyfriend. 

He walks into our bedroom and I look over his outfit. Black shirt, galaxy denim jacket, black jeans, black vans, choker.

“Do I look okay?” He asks, slipping his phone into his pocket.

“Yeah, yeah, you look great.” I murmur, pulling on my sweater and fixing my hair. I tried to find a less gay sweater but I don’t have any like that. This one is pastel purple, yellow, and blue, with some black and the puma logo on the front.

“So remind me why we have to do this? I didn’t even know you’re catholic.”

“My family is in town for the weekend and they think I still go to church. Also I thought it might be a nice time to introduce you cause they can’t get upset in public.” I hadn’t told him that last part of my plan before.

“Wait, you’re using the general public as a buffer between me and your family?”

“Basically, yeah. How do I look?” I turn to him and tug my sweater sleeves over my hands.

“You look beautiful, you need to stop overthinking all of this.”

I nod and walk forward into his arms. We hug for a minute before he pulls away.

“Come on, we should go.”

I just nod.

Twenty minutes later we’re pulling into the parking lot of the church and I’m trying to be cool. We get out of the car and walk across the parking lot, Geoff is talking about the church his family used to go to, probably just to distract me.

When we get inside we shake hands with the priest and say hi to a couple of greeters in the vestibule. My mom texted asking where I am, so I know they’re already in a pew.

Geoff and I walk over to the doors that lead to the main church area and I reach out and take his hand. He squeezes mine once reassuringly and I smile up at him. We walk through the doors and I instantly see my parents and my sister sitting on the opposite side of the room.

Even though every instinct in my brain is telling me to let go of Geoff’s hand, I keep a firm hold. Gracie sees me first and her eyes light up, I knew she’d be cool. My parents don’t look over until I genuflect and slide into the pew with Geoff right behind me.

My parents look over and I smile at them, waving a little. My mom smiles at me then looks at the boy next to me, confusion crossing her face. I sit back and begin to feel more relaxed as Geoff puts his hand on my thigh and rubbing a gentle circle with his thumb. I can basically feel my mom’s gaze burning a hole in my face, but I just ignore it. I smile up at my boyfriend. Not many people would agree to this whole plan but somehow he did. I love him so much.

All of mass is fine. It brings back a lot of childhood memories and it’s kind of nice to be here with my family.

Afterwords we all walk outside and stand around to talk. My mom instantly hugs me.

“Awsten, you didn’t tell us you were bringing someone with you.” She laughs uncomfortably.

I step away from her and take Geoff’s hand again.

“Yeah. You guys, this is my boyfriend, Geoff.”

“Nice to meet you.” He says politely, reaching forward and shaking everyone’s hands.

“I’m starving, let’s go get food.” Gracie whines, making me laugh.

“Yeah, are you boys free to join us?” My dad asks.

“Sure.” I chirp.

“I know a great Mexican place about fifteen minutes away, wanna follow us there?” Geoff offers.

“That sounds wonderful.” My mom replies.

We all split into our separate cars and as soon as Geoff and I are alone I feel like I can relax.

“That went so well.” I sigh in relief, giving Geoff a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah, everyone seems cool.” 

“I knew they would love you.” I sigh.

“No you didn’t.” 

I can’t help but laugh.

“No, I guess I didn’t. I’m glad they do though.”

“Me too.” He says, grinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 737 words :)


	15. I chose you too (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Nightmares, panic attack, vomiting, abuse.

I’m jolted awake by the sounds of Vic puking in the bathroom. I wish I could say this is an uncommon occurrence, but it’s not. 

When Vic was really young he was in foster care and was abused by many different people before his family adopted him. His ptsd isn’t too bad but a few times a week he has vivid nightmares.

I get out of bed and go to the bathroom, finding my boyfriend kneeling over the toilet. I should know better than to touch him when he’s panicking but I absentmindedly rest my hand on his shoulder. He jumps away from my touch and heaves a sigh of relief when he sees it’s just me.

“Sorry.” He murmurs, his voice trembling and rough.

“No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

He sits on the floor, resting his back against the wall.

“I’m getting you a drink.” I tell him.

I leave him for a minute and go to the kitchen, getting him a glass of cold water and his bottle of sleeping pills. He hates taking them because they tend to make him groggy the next day, but I want to give him the option.

Returning to the bathroom I give him the glass and set the meds on the counter. I sit next to him on the floor and rest my head on his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” I ask even though I know the answer. When he has a nightmare bad enough to make him sick, he’s not okay.

He takes a long drink and then places the cup beside him, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“I will be.” He sighs.

“Wanna tell me about it?”

“No.” He whispers.

“Okay, but you know it helps.” 

I look up to see him frowning. He rests his head against the wall and closes his eyes. I hate seeing him so shaken up.

“I was back in Judy’s house.” He starts. Judy was one of his foster parents but he only stayed there for a short while before the house was shut down due to abuse.

He looks at me with tears swimming in his eyes and I nod, urging him to go on.

“She wouldn’t let me eat. Somehow she found out or suspected I was gay and she refused to feed me. This little girl would sneak me snacks sometimes but I was so fucked up that I would usually throw them up. If the police hadn’t been tipped off that Judy was abusive...I would have died.” He sobs. Tears are falling off his face and dripping into my hair, but it doesn’t matter.

“It’s okay.” I whisper to him, kissing his shoulder.

“I was so hungry and so sick. I wish I didn’t remember it.”

“I know, but you’re healthy now. You’re safe.” I soothe.

He nods and goes quiet.

After a little while he stands up and reaches his hand down to me. I let him help me stand and then he washes his hands and brushes his teeth.

“Let’s go back to bed.” I suggest.

He nods and we go back to our bedroom. I get under the covers first and then he slides in behind me, pressing his warm chest to my back.

“Your pills are in the bathroom if you wanted them.” I whisper.

“It’s okay.”

I knew he would say that, I just hope he doesn’t have more nightmares.

“Kells?” 

“Yeah?”

“Did you know that a week after I left Judy’s I was adopted by Mama and Papa?”

I turn around in his arms and smile at him.

“No, I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, I was at the hospital for malnutrition before I went to my next foster home, and a social worker told me that someone wanted to meet me. I didn’t get my hopes up because they were so nice when I met them, but they chose me. I went home with them a few days later.”

“Of course they chose you. You’re the best.” I reply, a smile spreading across my face.

“I was just so convinced that nobody wanted me. I thought I was gonna be shuffled around until I was eighteen.”

“Anyone that didn’t choose you was insane. You’re sweet and polite and smart and handsome. I chose you too.”

He kisses me, and hugs me tighter.

“I’m thankful every day that I met you. You make me so happy.”

“I couldn’t imagine my life without you, but even if we’d never met, you deserve nothing but happiness.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 756 words :)


	16. Pesky (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: panic attacks, fainting, mention of suicide.

“Thank you everyone for coming out! This one is called Tantrum!” I yell into the microphone, causing the crowd to freak out.

As I’m singing this last song I start seeing some black spots in my vision, but they clear up after a second. This is the curse of Warped tour, the heat. These shows have helped the band so much, but I we’re sick of performing outdoors in the dead of summer.

We wrap up the song and throw a bunch of guitar picks into the crowd before we leave the stage.

“Holy fuck, I’m dying.” Otto groans.

“I swear this is what hell feels like.” Geoff adds.

They both grab bottles of water and start chugging them, but I feel too nauseous all of a sudden. 

“I’m going to the bus.” I say, beginning the long walk across the parking lot.

“Hey, you should have some water!” Geoff yells after me, but I ignore him. 

I slept in this morning cause I was up really late dealing with a panic attack, so I didn’t have time for breakfast. Turns out not eating and then sweating your ass off for an hour isn’t a great idea. 

Woah, I feel really bad.

One minute I’m walking and the next minute those pesky little spots appear in my vision again and I have no control over my body. Everything goes dark and it sounds like I’m underwater as I collapse.

I must only pass out for a few seconds before I’m conscious again because no one is by my side yet, but I do hear shouting.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Are you okay?” It’s Geoff with Otto and Jawn right behind him. He kneels next to me and helps me sit up.

“I feel bad.” I mutter. When I look down I notice that one of my arms is bleeding, I must have skinned it when I fell.

“Let’s get him to the bus.” Jawn says.

Geoff nods and then helps me stand up. The world spins for a second making me nauseous, but it slows down quickly. I loop an arm over his shoulder and we start slowly walking.

“You should stay hydrated Aws, heat stroke is really dangerous.” Geoff murmurs to me, sounding stressed.

“I’m fine, I just haven’t eaten this morning and it made everything worse. Nothing is really wrong.” 

“Why didn’t you eat?”

“I just didn’t feel like it.” I say, brushing him off. I don’t need everyone knowing that this tour stresses me out so badly I get panic attacks almost nightly.

We finally make it to our destination and the boys make me sit in the lounge. The air conditioning already feels great on my sweaty skin, simultaneously drying and cooling my body.

“Here.” Otto says, handing me a granola bar and a bottle of water. 

“Thanks.”

I don’t feel like eating but I manage to get the food down and I chase it with the entire bottle of water. Who knew I was so thirsty?

“Come on Otto, lets go to the merch tent for awhile. You too Geoff.” Jawn beckons. We really should be meeting fans right now.

“Nah, you guys go, I’m gonna stay here with Awsten.” Geoff says.

The other two leave and I lay down on the couch, resting my eyes.

I can tell when Geoff sits on the floor next to the couch but I don’t open my eyes.

I feel a cool sensation on my scraped arm that quickly turns to burning.

“Fuck! Geoff, why?” I shriek.

“I’m just cleaning it, the alcohol only burns for a second.” 

He cleans my arm and then trails down to the back of my hand which is also missing a lot of skin. Why couldn’t I have passed out in the grass?

“Talk to me Aws, what’s going on with you?”

I open my eyes as he starts smoothing some neosporin over my raw skin and I feel tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. Everything feels like it’s too much for me to handle.

“I’ve been having panic attacks.” I whisper. I don’t know why I can’t just say it. I shouldn’t be ashamed or embarrassed, but I am.

“Why?”

I laugh, not because it’s funny but because I don’t even know where to start.

“I got so nervous before we left for this tour that I couldn’t eat like normal and since I wasn’t eating I couldn’t take my meds.”

“Do you usually take anxiety medication?”

“Yeah. Everything started spiraling but I thought it would be better when we actually started tour and it’s not. I have panic attacks at night, I wake up feeling nauseous and tired, then I can’t eat so I still haven’t been able to start my meds and now I got heat stroke. I wish I could just die.” I ramble. Getting all of this out into the open feels great but it’s also brings dread into my mind when I realize how fucked I actually am.

“Hey, don’t say that.” He soothes, wiping away my tears. “This is just a rough patch and I can help you.”

“You can?” 

“Sure. I can stay up late and make sure you get to sleep at a good time and then in the morning I can make sure you eat so that you can take your pills.”

When he says it like that it seems simple.

“Okay.” I whisper. I think I’m gonna be more of a handful than he realizes, but obviously I’m not taking good care of myself.

“Take a nap, you look exhausted.” He says.

I nod and smile at him. I don’t know why I didn’t speak up earlier, but I did now and that’s all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 961 words :)


	17. The best boyfriend (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: panic attacks, self harm.  
> AN: this is smutty, deal with it

“Kellin! Get up, you need to get ready!” I hear my mom shout.

I’ve been awake for about an hour but I’ve been in bed trying to work through a panic attack. Today is my high school graduation party and I’ve been dreading it for months. My family really thought we should do something to celebrate but my social anxiety thinks differently. Just picturing how many people I’m going to have to chat with and hug today makes my stomach roll.

“I’m up!” I yell to my mom, hoping she doesn’t come upstairs and see what a mess I am. I like keeping my anxiety a secret on special days so that everyone thinks I’m having a good time. If my mom saw me right now, sweating, shaking, and with blood running from the cuts on my wrist there’s no way I could fool her into thinking I’m gonna have a fun time today.

I hoist myself out of bed and hold onto the wall as a wave of nausea hits me. I make my way to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I’m pale and my hair is a mess, I look like shit.

I brush my teeth and then get in the shower, washing the layer of nervous sweat off my skin and running some conditioner through the knots in my hair. I make sure to clean my cuts thoroughly so they won’t get infected. I’ve pretty much stopped cutting from depression but when I have really bad panic attacks I still find it comforting. Vic is gonna be so sad when he sees them.

When I get out of the shower I try to keep getting ready but it takes forever because I keep pacing around and get distracted by my thoughts. Eventually I get dressed in a casual outfit for my party, it’s just a cookout so I don’t need to be fancy. I towel dry my wavy hair and run some product through it.

A few minutes later I go downstairs to see my mom. The house is all cleaned up and she’s already getting food and drinks ready.

“Good morning my little graduate!” She squeals, pulling me into a hug.

“Morning mom.” I reply, trying to sound chipper and like anxiety isn’t fucking me up right now.

“You sure primped for a long time, guests will be in here an hour.” 

My heart leaps in my chest. I wish guests were here now so I could get this over with and feel better.

“Find some breakfast, I’m just adding last minute touches.” 

I know I should have some food so that I’m not starving and pissy all day, but I feel so nauseous and jittery that I have no appetite. I grab a banana and sit at the dining room table, pulling my phone out of my pocket and checking it for the first time today. I have a text from my boyfriend, Vic.

Viccy: Happy grad party bb :)

Kellin: thnx

I can’t make myself type any more than that, just thinking about what I have to do today makes me feel worse. I’ve only eaten a few bites of my breakfast but I can’t stomach more.

I distract myself with YouTube for the next hour until guests start showing up. I’m doing okay, standing outside talking to relatives and a few people from school when I have a realization. I’m gonna have to eat. This is a cookout and if I don’t eat like normal then everyone is gonna know I’m panicky and not having a good time. I feel my stomach drop and I could actually cry I feel so overwhelmed. 

I’m still trying to be friendly and hold myself together when I feel arms wrap around my waist from behind. I turn around to find Vic smiling at me.

“Hey.” He says, pecking me on the lips.

“Hey.” I squeak. 

He pulls me in for a longer kiss but I’m so distracted that I break it and back up.

“What’s wrong?” He asks quietly.

“Nothing.”

“No really. Are you okay?”

How the fuck is he so in tune with me?

“I’ve just been really panicky all morning but I’m scared it’ll disappoint my mom if she knows.” I sigh, speaking quietly enough that we’re the only people that can hear me.

He pulls me into a hug and speaks into my hair.

“I’m sorry, is there anything I can do to help?”

“No, I just wish I could relax.” 

He pulls away and gives me a mischievous look.

“What?” I ask.

“Can we go inside for a minute?”

“I guess, not many people are here yet.”

He takes my hand and leads me into the house which is completely empty since most of the party is on our porch and in the back yard. We go upstairs and into my room where he shuts the door and presses me up against it. He connects our lips in a deep kiss and starts making out with me. I completely accept it, glad to distract myself and get out of my head for a minute. Vic’s hands are resting on my hips until one strays south and he palms me through my jeans.

I break our kiss and hold back a moan, that felt really good but I’m confused.

“What are you doing?” I ask breathlessly.

“Helping you relax. Is this okay?”

I think about it for a minute. As long as we’re fast I’m comfortable.

“Yeah.”

We go over to my bed and he pushes me back so that I’ll sit down but then I lay all the way back. 

“Just calm down and feel good baby.” He murmurs, undoing my jeans.

I close my eyes as he moves everything enough to let my penis be exposed. He takes me in his hand, firmly stroking me until I’m hard, which doesn’t take long. It really does feel good but his slow pace is making me squirm.

I’m just about to beg him to go faster when I feel his tongue glide up my length and then warmth as he takes me into his mouth. It’s warm and slick on my sensitive skin as he bobs his head up and down.

“Mmm, yes.” I moan, opening my eyes to see him looking up at me. His eyes look gorgeous and innocent but there’s saliva dripping from his mouth down my erect dick. The sight is enough to push me closer to orgasm.

I think we’re both aware that we need to be fast and get back downstairs because Vic starts sucking me harder and faster, swirling his tongue and pumping the bottom half of my length with his hand. I’m trying to be quiet but moans are slipping past my lips as I involuntarily push myself deeper into Vic’s throat. He relaxes his muscles and deepthroats me, which feels so amazing and tight and warm that I feel my climax coming on fast. He sucks to the top of my cock and licks the slit while still working the rest of me with his callused hand and that finally does it. I cum into his mouth while groaning and bucking my hips. I reach down and tangle my fingers in his hair, urging him to keep going while I’m so I can ride out my high.

He pulls away a few seconds later and smiles up at me. My eyes feel heavy with pleasure as I smile back at him.

“Feel better?” He asks, standing up and holding out a hand to help me. I get to my feet and do up my pants before wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him.

“So much better. Thank you.” I say sincerely.

“We should get back to the party.”

“Yeah.” I sigh.

“Do I still look okay?” He asks, making me giggle. I style his hair with my fingers and then step back.

“Perfect. How about me? Do I look like I’ve been fooling around?” 

He pretends to look me over ridiculously close, making me spin as he eyeballs me. I’m laughing at his antics until I notice his smile drop into a frown.

“What?” I ask.

“Did you...do you have bandages on your wrist?”

I’m wearing a red and black flannel but it’s pretty snug so if you’re looking close at my arms you can see something under my sleeve on my wrist. I’m not upset that he knows, I probably would have told him at some point.

“Yeah, I cut this morning. I had a really bad panic attack.”

He wraps my in a tight hug and kisses my forehead.

“I’m so sorry baby, I wish I could help.”

“I know, I’m okay now. Let’s go before my mom realizes I left.”

Sympathy is pouring off of him as he nods and we walk hand in hand to the backyard.

“Oh there he is!” My mom shrieks, beckoning me over to see my grandma. “I sent your father looking for you but he said you weren’t out front.”

“Well here I am now.” I say, grinning and feeling a little naughty.

Vic stays by my side for the rest of the day and even helps me stay calm enough to eat a little lunch. 

When all the guests leave, Vic and I end up in the living room, watching tv while my parents clean outside. I’m on his lap with my head resting on his shoulder and he’s soothingly rubbing my thigh.

“Viccy?” I say quietly.

“Hmm?”

“Thank you for being here today. You helped me way more than you know.”

“No problem Kells, I always want to be here for you.”

“Are you feeling stressed about anything?” I ask subtly.

“No, why?”

“Are you sure? Cause I’d love to help you relax too.” I murmur, rubbing his thigh seductively. I turn to meet his eyes and he gives me a lusty look.

“Oh, um yeah actually. Super stressed out.” He says lowly, pressing his mouth to mine.

“Not for long.” I say against his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1679 words :)


	18. Craigslist roommate (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: none   
> AN: this is smut ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

~Kellin pov~  
I literally found Vic on Craigslist. Trust me, everyone said it was a bad idea and that I was gonna get murdered, but it’s actually been great. We’ve been roommates for a few weeks now and overall we just stay out of each other’s hair. Sometimes we’ll watch movies together, or chit chat while we’re cooking, but I don’t see him too often.

I roll over in my bed and glance at the clock, damn, it’s almost one in the afternoon. It’s Saturday so I’m not missing work or anything, but I should at least try to be productive today.

I hoist myself up and put on some panties and an oversized t-shirt. I honestly don’t know who the shirt belongs to, but it’s mine now. I notice that my ass is sore, but it’s totally worth it for the sex I had last night. It was so good.

I wander out to the kitchen in search of breakfast and Vic is sitting on the counter.

“Morning.” I chirp.

“I thought you were in the shower.” 

“Nope.” I reply, pouring myself some cereal.

“Well then who is in the shower?”

I join him on the counter and swing my legs as I eat.

“Um, I think he said his name is Beau.”

Vic just nods.

“ I told him to leave but he insisted on showering cause he had-“ I cut myself off abruptly, remembering who I’m talking to. “Never mind.” I finish quietly.

“What?” He asks, sounding genuinely confused.

“I guess he ended up with jizz in his hair.” I giggle.

“Jesus Christ!” Vic laughs. I love it when he laughs because it makes his brown eyes light up. “You’re so shameless.” 

“I know.”

“I like that about you.” 

We’re smiling at each other when I hear someone clear their throat.

“I’ve gotta go.” Beau says, coming across the kitchen and planting his lips on mine. I set my bowl down and tangle my fingers in his hair. Our tongues dance and he holds my hips tight, pressing his thumbs into the bruises he already left there last night. He pulls away and kisses my nose.

“Call me.” He says nonchalantly as he leaves.

I don’t reply. He was fun but definitely overstayed his welcome this morning.

I pick up my bowl of soggy cereal and jump off the counter, pouring the contents down the sink. When I turn back around I notice that Vic is staring at me but he quickly looks away.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing.” 

“Come on, what?”

“You just have the most casual sex out of everyone I know.”

“Oh, yeah.” I chuckle.

“I mean, you’ve had at least one person here to sleep with every single day since we’ve moved in. I don’t even think any of them have been repeats!”

I’m laughing again. He’s right, for the last two weeks I’ve definitely been getting my fair share of sex.

“You know, you could bring people here too.” I suggest. The poor thing has had a few friends around but I haven’t heard any moans from his room this whole time. He’s gotta be so frustrated.

He blushes a little and slides down, taking his dish to the sink.

“I’m not dating anyone right now.”

“Fuck dating!” I shout, maybe a little too loud. “Just go out and find yourself some hot chick.”

“Well first off, I’m gay.” He says, leaning back against the sink.

I have a pretty good gaydar but I hadn’t realized this. I’m a little disappointed in myself.

“And secondly, I don’t want a one night stand situation.”

“Oh come on. What, are you scared they’re gonna give you and std? Or maybe you’re worried you’re gonna catch feelings and it’s gonna be messy? None of that shit happens Vic, just go for it.”

“I’m a virgin.” He states casually.

I go still and look at him. He’s not joking. I’ve learnt that Vic can’t keep a straight face for shit when he’s lying. 

“You’re kidding.” I deadpan.

“Nope. I don’t really want my first time to be some random fuck.”

I start forming a plan right then and there. He’s a virgin, I’m a slut, and suddenly I’m horny. I don’t have some weird fetish for virgins, but I really like Vic and now I want to be his first.

“That makes sense. You know...” I trail off. He looks at me expectantly. “I’m pretty damn good in bed.”

He smiles.

“Is that so?”

I nod. “And I wouldn’t be a random fuck, we know each other.”

“That’s true.”

I saunter over to him and put my arms around his neck.

“Is this okay?” I murmur quietly, bringing our lips painfully close together without touching.

“More than okay.”

Without any warning our lips meet and start moving together. He might be a virgin but this is definitely not his first make out session. His lips are soft and his breath is minty, but I’m distracted by our bodies being pressed together. I can’t help but grind my lower half against his sweatpants. He groans a little and I take the opportunity to deepen the kiss and sneak my tongue into his mouth. As I explore he pushes my shirt up and rests his hands on my ass. I can feel his warm palms through my thin panties and I’m enjoying it as he gives me a squeeze.

“Do that again.” I breath. He does as he’s told and clutches my bottom, spreading the cheeks a little which drives me wild.

“Let’s go to my room.” I offer, really needing this to move along. I’ve thought Vic was sexy since the day I met him, but I never imagined I’d have the opportunity to get him in bed and now I’m super turned on.

“Lets have sex, okay? I want to.” He assures me.

“That can be arranged.” I giggle, leading him to my room and pushing him down on the bed.

“Strip.” I order. While he takes his clothes off I do the same and then find my lube. I usually don’t need it cause I’m a bottom and I get enough dick that I don’t need stretched or anything, but I know Vic is gonna be tight as hell. This thought makes my cock jump in excitement.

I join him on the bed and crawl up his body to make out again. The more relaxed and horny he is the better it’s gonna be for both of us. I move my lips to work some magic on his neck as I reach down and stroke his penis. He’s hard and dripping a little, it’s a good thing I’m opening the door for him to get laid more often, he needs it.

I kiss my way down his body until I get to his member, sucking it for a minute before kissing the tip and moving lower. He spreads his legs wide for me and twines his fingers through my hair, urging me on. I lick his hole and start working it open, poking my tongue in and out to get him ready. I was correct, he’s very tight.

“Do you ever use a dildo or anything?” I ask as I suck on my fingers and start working one into him.

He moans a little at the feeling, which is probably pleasure and pain, and shakes his head.

“I have a couple of times b-but-“ he has to bite his lip to keep himself quiet as I fuck him with my finger. “It was quite awhile ago. I usually just j-jack off. Fuck!” He exclaims and I know I found his prostate. Even though I’m not usually the one looking for the spot inside other guys, I seem to have a knack for it.

“Feel good?” I ask teasingly.

“Y-yes, keep going.” 

I add another finger and ease them both in, which I’m sure ruins the pleasure for Vic, but I need to be inside him soon or I’m gonna explode just while from fingering him. I reach down and stroke myself, trying to ease the aching pressure that has built up in my dick. I scissor my fingers to stretch Vic and unceremoniously add a third.

“Shit.” Vic breathes.

“You okay?” I ask, not stopping.

“Yeah, please fuck me.” 

That’s exactly what I want to hear. I take my fingers out and roll a condom on. 

“Here.” I toss the lube to Vic. “Lube me up.” I joke.

He sits up and pours some of the gel into his hand, then starts stroking me.

“Ooooh my fucking god.” I moan. He hasn’t touched me this whole time and having someone as hot as him spreading lube on my hard cock is a sexy sight.

When I’m properly slicked up he lays back down and spreads his legs again.

“This might hurt a little but I’m gonna be careful. Okay? Speak up if you wanna stop.” I assure him. Consensual sex is good sex.

He nods.

I line myself up and lean over him, hoping to distract him from any pain with making out. My lips are a little swollen but it only makes them more sensitive. I push the tip into him and he doesn’t seem to be in pain, so I keep going slowly. When I’m about halfway in he squeezes his eyes shut. I lace our fingers together and stop, letting him adjust. When he seems to relax I keep going until my hips are pressed to his ass.

“Want me to wait?” I ask.

“No, please move.” He whines, wiggling his hips to gain some friction.

I slide all the way out to my tip and then back in, moving at a gentle pace. He feels tight and warm wrapped around my pulsing dick and I know I’m not gonna last very long. I never do when I top.

I fuck him and he moans and squirms beneath me, seemingly enjoying it. Our lips part because I need to breathe while I work my magic on him, but our eyes are connected. I usually have wild, rough sex, so this gentle stuff is new for me. I scoop my hands under his back and roll us over so that he’s on top.

“Ride me.” I request, grabbing his hips to make him move.

“Holy fuck.” He groans as he lifts himself up and then falls back onto my hard length. I know how good it feels to be fucked in This position. You have more control so you can grind against your prostate every time and it feels like your partner is going really deep.

He picks up the pace and is really moving now, rolling his hips as he bounces up and down, I’m on the brink of cumming and I think he is too. He must be really sensitive cause I don’t think many bottoms cum while being fucked, especially the first time. Maybe I’m just that good...

Vic steadies himself by putting one palm flat on my chest and then strokes himself with the other hand. I grip his hips, probably hard enough to bruise, and start bucking up into him.

“Fuck fuck fuck, Kells I’m gonna cum.” He whines loudly.

“Me too, don’t stop.” I moan, not wanting him to stop moving his hips.

A second later he lets out the sexiest sound I’ve ever heard and shoots strings of cum across my chest. He keeps grinding into me as he strokes his length and I feel my climax take over. I slam up into him a couple more times, considerably slowing down but still moving so I can ride out my high. I feel like I’m on drugs, I feel warm and sexy as waves of pleasure crash over me.

When I’m finished and I open my eyes he pulls me out of him and flops onto the bed.

“Fuck.” He says, his chest heaving.

“Pretty good huh?”

“Yeah, really good.”

“Did you like riding me?”

“Yeah, that was the best.”

“I know, that’s my favorite when I bottom.” 

He props himself up on him forearm and looks at me quizzically.

“You bottom?”

“Most the time.”

“Why didn’t you today?”

“I wasn’t letting a virgin fuck me.” I laugh. 

“Fair enough.” 

We lay there for a little bit, catching our breath.

“You can top me next time.” I offer.

“There’s gonna be a next time?”

“Sure, do you want there to be?”

“Yes! I mean-“ he clears his throat. “Yeah, I just wasn’t sure.”

“We can’t just have sex like that and then never do it again.”

“Agreed.”

The truth is that I’ve had better sex, but I really care about Vic and he’s the first person I’ve ever slept with that I want to hang around afterwords. 

Here I was teasing Vic about developing feelings after sex when I’m the one in love with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2151 words :)


	19. Fuck her (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings :)  
> This story is about 90% true based off my job as a receptionist at a little hair salon. This bitch named Kady did actually yell at me and I did indeed cry in the bathroom.

~Awsten pov~  
As soon as I get to work I can tell that there’s a weird vibe. My boss isn’t here today but a couple of the stylists are with clients. I’m the receptionist at a small town hair salon and I hate it, but it’s the only option I’ve got right now. The work itself is fine but the stylists are bitches and I get really bored.

I start cleaning some of the dye mixing bowls when I hear someone coming to the back room. It’s Juliet and she looks pissed.

Juliet and I have a complicated relationship. She hates me, I hate her, but we’re both expected to get along and work together.

“Awsten, we need to talk.” She says bitchily, standing right in front of me.

“Okay.”

“On Tuesday you double booked me.”

“Oh, I’m really sorry.”

“Sorry isn’t enough. When you make mistakes it affects us stylists. I lost money because of you.” She yells. We have clients in here, she shouldn’t raise her voice, especially not at a coworker.

“Juliet, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to mess it up. The system is so complicated, but that’s not an excuse. I’ll do better.”

“Good.” 

She walks away, leaving me alone.

I quickly rush to the employee bathroom and lock the door. I can feel the tears dripping down my face and the sobs building up in my chest. I sit on the toilet and pull my legs up so I can rest my face in my knees.

I know I’m not very good at my job. I try really hard but I was barely trained and the system for scheduling is complicated and the stylists have lots of clients. I was bound to mess up at some point but I just wish it hadn’t been Juliet’s schedule. Any of my other coworkers would have mentioned it nicely, only she’s bold enough to yell at me. I hate being yelled at.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and text my boyfriend.

Awsten: Will you come get me?

Geoff: typing...

I heave a sigh of relief when I see that he’s going to respond.

Geoff: Where are you?

Awsten: At work

Geoff: Are you okay?

Awsten: I walked here and then Juliet yelled at me and I want to leave.

Geoff: I’m on my way.

My phone starts ringing and it’s Geoff so I answer.

“Hey baby.” He answers.

“Hi.” I sniffle quietly.

“I’m two minutes away.”

“Okay.” 

“Why was Juliet upset with you?”

“I double booked her last week.”

“But it was just a mistake, right?”

“Yeah, but I’m bad at my job. It was my fault she lost money.”

“She’s just a bitch honey. It might have been your mistake but she shouldn’t have raised her voice at you.”

“Yeah.” I whimper, feeling more tears spill from my eyes.

“I’m parked out back.”

I hang up and leave the safety of the bathroom. Juliet is in the back room again but I just ignore her as I grab my bag.

“Where are you going? You’re supposed to work until close.”

I don’t even bother replying as I swing open the back door and leave.

Geoff is standing beside his truck and I walk directly into his arms. He holds me tight as I relax in his embrace.

“Let’s get out of here.” He murmurs to me.

“Okay.”

We get into his truck and he holds my hand tight as he drives.

“Let’s go get ice cream!” He exclaims, making me giggle.

“Yeah! Fuck her! We’re going to get ice cream!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 597 words :)


	20. Cindy’s Cat (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Self harm discussion/scars/cuts, depression.

~Geoff pov~  
Every night for the last few months Awsten and I have been getting into bed about an hour earlier than we actually want to go to sleep. We just talk and make out and sometimes fuck, that’s not the goal though. 

After we moved in together we realized that we weren’t really communicating anymore. We both got busy with our jobs and we’d be so exhausted that we were barely hanging out. I suppose the honeymoon phase of our relationship was over, but we didn’t want it to be. That’s when we came up with this plan. No matter what, we are both in our bed early enough to catch up and spend time together.

I’m already in our room when I hear Awsten get home. He had to close tonight which means he already ate dinner and he gets off late.

“Geoff?” He shouts.

“I’m in the bedroom!” 

A second later he appears around the corner, looking tired and adorable in his work clothes and green hair.

“Hi.” He says through a yawn as he starts getting undressed. I’m in my boxers, laying on our bed although I’m not under the covers.

“Hi baby. How was work?” I ask.

“Good.” He replies absentmindedly. 

Once he’s undressed he goes into the bathroom. The shower turns on and I’m left alone with my thoughts and worries. Awsten is usually really open with me, even after a long day, but he seemed off. I wonder if something happened at work, or if he’s upset with me? Even though I have no idea why that would be the case. I haven’t done anything. Have I? 

My spiraling is interrupted when my boyfriend comes back into the room, his lime green hair is towel dried adorably and he’s completely naked. I usually sleep in some clothes but he likes being nude. It’s not a sexual thing, more of a comfort thing, even though it is hard to contain my...excitement sometimes.

He crawls across the bed and kisses me before laying down and cuddling into my side. Okay, he’s not mad.

“How was your day?” He asks quietly.

“It was okay. I ended up working through lunch because Cindy’s cat had to go to the vet again.”

“Oh my god, that cat is needier than a child.”

I laugh at that comment. He’s not wrong, my coworker uses her cat as an excuse a few times a month to not work.

“Yeah. How was the cafe?” I ask, trying to drag some info out of him.

“Same as usual.” 

I know something is up. Awsten never fails to come home with stories of ridiculous customers or fucked up orders or something.

“What’s wrong?” I ask gently.

“Nothing, just tired.” He says quickly.

“Don’t lie, you’re quiet. Did something happen at work?”

“Not really.” He mumbles, burying his face into my shirt.

I wait just to see if he says anything else. Like I mentioned earlier, he’s not usually shy.

“This girl came in...” he starts, drifting off like he isn’t sure if he should say it.

“Yeah?” I urge him on.

“She-she had cuts all over her wrists.”

“Oh.” Is all I reply with. My eyes flicker to Awsten’s scar covered wrists.

“Yeah, she wasn’t even covering them or anything, which is fine I guess. I just felt weird and triggered all day.”

I’m actually shocked. Awsten hasn’t cut since he was a teenager which is long before I knew him. He’s never talked about having urges or anything so I assumed it was just a phase and he had grown out of it.

“Are you still feeling that way?” I ask gently. I don’t know how to handle this properly.

“A little bit.” He shrugs.

“You feel like you want to cut?” 

“No.” He says quickly.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” I assure him, trying to backtrack because I didn’t mean to seem like I’m interrogating him or like I’m upset. “I want to know if you’re feeling like that because I wanna to help.”

“Oh. Then yeah I guess I do kinda want to cut, but I’m not going to. I’ll feel better in the morning.”

“That makes me really happy but I’m a little confused. We’ve never talked about this, like at all.”

“I know. It makes me uncomfortable because talking about it makes me think about it more which isn’t good. It’s really rare that I even have urges anymore, so it’s not a big deal.”

“I didn’t know you think about it at all. I thought you were like, better.”

He props himself up on his elbow so that he can look at me. He seems a little sad and his eyes aren’t as bright and twinkly as usual.

“I was really addicted to self harm for a long time and that’s not something that just goes away. When I want to cut now I have reasons not to. Like you, and not wanting to hide cuts or add to my scars or upset my friends and family. So like I said, it’s not usually a big deal. Obviously or I would have brought it up before.”

“So you must feel really bad tonight?” I ask tentatively.

He flops onto his back and I roll onto my side, my eyes traveling over his beautiful figure. Now isn’t really the appropriate time but I can’t stop myself from admiring him. He’s gorgeous.

“I guess. You know I’ve already been depressed lately, so feeling this on top of that is just shitty.”

“Well I’m glad you told me, cause now I can help you.”

He smiles and takes my hand in his, lacing our fingers together.

“I’m glad you made me tell you. I already feel better.”

I reposition so that I’m leaning over him as I connect our lips. We kiss softly before I slip my tongue in his mouth, exploring and enjoying the minty toothpaste he used. His lips are plump and they feel great against mine, all of the sparks of pleasure going straight through my body. He buries his hand in my hair to pull me closer but after a minute he stops moving his lips against mine. I pull away and look into his eyes. He’s flushed which is very cute.

“I’m not really in the mood tonight.” 

“That’s okay.” I assure him, leaning down and giving him one last peck on the lips before I crawl off and lay down.

I’m semi hard but it’ll go away. Just because I’m horny doesn’t mean it’s my boyfriend’s duty to have sex with me.

“I’m so tired.” Awsten sighs.

“Come here.” I murmur, pulling him into my arms. “Get some rest, we can talk more tomorrow.”

And just like that I realize what we just did. Awsten had a problem that could have driven a wedge in our relationship, but instead we made the time to talk it out and now we’re even closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1161 words :)


	21. Straight as a rainbow (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mild homophobia

~Vic pov~  
I’ve gotta do it. I’ve gotta come out to my parents. My boyfriend is coming over today and I want to be able to act like we’re dating. I’m pretty sure my parents will be accepting, but I’m definitely stressing out.

“Mom? Dad? Can we talk?” I ask as I step out on the back patio. It’s a beautiful day and they’re reading and bird watching. Like total dorks.

“Sure, have a seat honey.” My mom replies.

I sit on one of the red Adirondack chairs and my foot immediately starts bouncing. It’s a nervous habit.

“So, I’ve been meaning to talk to you guys for awhile.”

“Okay.” My mom says tentatively. My dad isn’t much of a talker so I know he’s just gonna be absorbing everything I say.

“I don’t want this to be a big deal, but I know that we’re gonna need to talk it over so that you can understand.”

They both look terrified. I know I should just rip the band-aid off and tell them, but I can’t help my rambling.

“I just don’t want anything to change...for the worse that is. I guess-“ 

“Victor, just tell us.” My dad says, rolling his eyes and chuckling.

“Okay,” I twist my hands together and take a deep breath, suddenly unable to make eye contact the my parents. “I’m pansexual.”

I glance up at them just in time to see them look at each other. Their faces have confusion written all over them.

“Does that mean you’re gay?” My mom asks softy. 

I knew this would happen and I almost came out as gay or bisexual because it just seemed easier, but I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m tired of shoving myself in a box so that other people are comfortable.

“Kinda. Um, basically I can be attracted to any gender or gender identity.” 

“Isn’t that bisexual?” She asks again. Why am I so complicated?

“No. Bisexual people are usually just attracted to men and women, not always, but usually. Pansexual also includes non-binary folks.”

“What the hell is that?” My dad asks.

“People that don’t identify with any gender.”

They’re quiet for a minute which feels like an eternity to me.

“So let’s see if I’ve got this.” My mom starts. Oh boy. “You’re attracted to men and women and androgynous people.” She’s pretty damn close so I’m not going to correct her on the androgynous versus non-binary thing.

“Um, yeah.” I say quietly, nodding. I start to study my hands and my nails, waiting for one of them to talk.

“I don’t mean to be insensitive Vic, but are you sure this isn’t just a phase? Or maybe an experiment?”

This is exactly why I wanted to sit and talk with them instead of springing it on them at some point. They’re bound to have questions and I want to get them all cleared up so that hopefully nothing is weird or fucked up.

“It’s okay mom. It’s doesn’t really work like that for me. If I was just dating or sleeping around with people of different genders then I would probably get past that. What I’m saying right now is that I’m open to dating anyone, my attraction isn’t restricted by gender. Does that make sense?”

She’s nodding and my dad’s expression is absolutely blank.

“I think so. You know it’s going to take awhile for this to soak in? Right? But we do support you, no matter what.”

“Thanks mom, that means a lot.... Uh, just one more thing.”

“What, do you have a boyfriend now too?” My dad grumbles.

“Victor!” My mom shrieks, shooting my dad a dirty look.

“Well yeah, I actually do dad. Kellin is coming over later and we’ve been dating for a few weeks. I just thought you should know.” I snap a little harshly. I’ve tried to be completely respectful and open during this conversation but my patience has run out with him. 

“Boys, it’s okay. Thank you for telling us.” My mom says, trying to calm us down.

I get up and go inside to my room, calling Kellin immediately.

“What’s up?” He answers. I can tell he’s using the Bluetooth in his car cause I can’t hear him super well.

“I just came out to my parents.” 

“Holy fuck! Really? Right now?” 

Kellin is so gay that he never had to come out. He wore rainbow suspenders when he was six and had his first boyfriend when he was sixteen. His family is very accepting and he’s been urging me to come out too.

“Yeah, right now.”

“How’d it go?”

“My mom was really sweet and understanding.”

“And your dad?”

“A little less sweet and understanding.”

“Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry. He’s just gonna have to get over it.”

“But I feel bad cause I’ve been telling you everything would be okay and it wasn’t.”

“Everything is fine Kells. Plus, even if my whole family hated me now, it would be worth it to be openly dating you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 846 words :)


	22. Everybody Hurts (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self harm

A/N: This was originally written about a different couple so would you comment and let me know if I missed any female pronouns?? Thanks :)  
~Vic's pov~  
I had been on a summer festival tour for about a month when I started hanging out with Kellin.

We became a couple almost immediately even though we're pretty much opposites. Kellin is taller than me, with pale skin covered in tattoos, and an adorable shy personality. While I'm short, with tan skin, and the ability to make friends with anyone I meet.

It wasn't too long before the we were inseparable, much to our other friends dismay. I used to spend all of my time with the other guys in Pierce the Veil, but now my band mates grumble every time I take off with Kells to see some mural or cat cafe in our current city.

As for Kellin, I hoped I was making his summer more fun. He told me that before we started hanging out he had spent most of his free time working on new music, alone. Of course the rest of his band and crew were around and he was friendly with all of them, but there hadn't been a single person on the tour that he felt really close to. Until he met me.

Tonight I'm in the back bedroom of our bus trying to sleep, even though the adrenaline from our set is still coursing through my veins. 

The rest of the band went to a bar after the show, but I didn't feel like getting wasted tonight, so I hung back. 

It isn't until the wee hours of the morning that I start hearing the guys stumble back to their bunks to sleep off their inevitable hangovers. After while everything goes quiet except the sound of a few drunk snores.

I think about texting Kel, but decide I should try to sleep and just talk to him in the morning.   
This is the tricky part of dating someone on tour. Trying not to be overbearing. Even though I could be with him every minute of every day, for months, it doesn't mean I should be. I make an effort to let the poor guy have some alone time.

Just then, I hear the clanky sound of the bus door opening. I thought everyone had made it back from the bar already, but I could have been wrong. Sometimes one of them would end up in a different band's bus for some after show drinks and lose track of time.

The strange thing is that I don't hear any footsteps. Maybe I just imagined hearing the door open. Maybe I had dozed off and dreamt it up.

Right as I forget about it, I hear a light tapping on my door. It inches open, and there stands Kellin, in all of his raven haired glory.

Kellin doesn't have naturally black hair. He has shoulder length hair that he dyes a dark, brooding black, and styles with classic emo fringe. This is one of my favorite things about him.

If you add this to the fact he's only in a pair of sweatpants and a tank top, he's absolutely adorable in my eyes.

"What's going on baby?" I ask him, starting to sit up from underneath the covers, realizing that I'm only in a pair of boxers.

He doesn't answer, just slowly crosses the short distance to the queen size bed and starts crawling towards me.

I don't know what to make of this late night visit, until Kellin's lips are crushing into mine and his hands are buried in my thick hair.  
We're both smiling as he swings one of his legs across the my lap, straddling me. I start with my hands on the subtle curves of his hips before moving them down to feel his ass. All of this only adding to the heat of our kiss. Kellin's teeth tug softly on my lips and his tongue slides into my mouth. When he moves his hands from my hair to my chest, slowly rubbing sensual circles there, it's almost too much for me. I can feel my arousal growing and I know he can too.

"Kel." I whisper in between kisses.

He parts his lips from mine so he can look at me, although he's still sitting firmly on my lap.

"Vic." He says back, equally as soft.

"What are you doing here?"

Of course the last thing I want to do is stop, but I almost feel as though I'm taking advantage of him. Is he just lonely and homesick tonight and would wake up to regret all of this tomorrow? Especially if we take it further than we have before?

"I couldn't sleep cause I kept thinking of you, so I decided to just come find you."

"I was thinking of you too baby. Do you wanna get some rest?"

"No, now I'm all turned on. You can't leave me hanging Viccy."

"To be fair, you're the one who started it."

"Yeah, I guess I came over cause I was horny..."

I laugh a little, causing him to blush.

"Well as long as you're sure, then I'm okay with this." I murmur to my embarrassed boyfriend.

"I'm sure."

With that I take his face in my hands and press our lips back together.  
We've done this before, plenty of times. We've even fooled around a little, but never more, purely because we haven't been together very long. 

This is one of the first times we've been completely alone with no worry of being interrupted. I put one hand firmly on Kellin's back and lay him down on the bed in one swift movement, so I can be above him.

Any embarrassment about my growing erection is completely gone now that I know that he's getting worked up too. He runs his long fingers through my hair again, giving it a light tug that drives me wild. I slide one hand under his shirt and feel his smooth chest.

With a moment of eye contact, and a nod from Kellin, I pull his shirt over his wavy hair. I knew that he has a tattoo along his collarbone, but now that I can see the entire scripted piece, it takes me breath away.

"What?" He pants.

"Your tattoo...it's fucking amazing."

A blush starts creeping up his face, so I lean down and start peppering his neck with kisses and a couple small hickeys where I know he can conceal them. Before I even knew where his hand is going, Kellin starts lightly palming me through my boxers. I take a sharp breath, startling him, so he takes his hand away quickly, his eyes connecting with mine.

"Sorry, that just felt really good." I murmur to him reassuringly.

Giving me a beautiful smile he puts his hand back and starts giving me some of the friction that I desperately need. Our lips reunite and this time I slide my tongue into his mouth, gaining a little dominance in the situation. Wanting Kellin to feel good too, I begin rolling one of his nipples in my fingers and he immediately produces a quiet moan that makes me grin into our kiss.  
I'm aware the exact moment that he stops rubbing me and it takes all of my power to not whine at the lack of friction. His lithe fingers quickly hook on the elastic of my boxers and he looks directly at me, asking a silent question. Once I assure him that it's okay, he slides them down and I help him remove them from my legs.

When Kellin takes my warm length in his hand, I finally let a moan slip past my lips. He gives me the perfect amount of pressure and speed, like he knows exactly what I need.

I place my hand on Kellin's own erection and start rubbing gently. He produces a low, drawn out whimper and starts squirming under my touch. Hearing his sensual sounds and feeling him under my touch makes me twitch with anticipation. After a couple minutes I move my hands to his waist and start removing his pants. He looks a little shy so I push our lips back together, finding a nice rhythm to hopefully make him more comfortable. I push his bottoms as far as his knees before I need my sight to remove them completely. When I open my eyes I can't help but gasp.

"Fuck." I say, a little louder than I meant to.

"Oh shit." Kellin curses as he sits up to tug his pants back on.

The tops of his thighs are completely covered in white, raised scars and scabbed, red gashes.

"Kel?" I say quietly, trying to clear the lust from my brain so I can think clearly. Tears are beginning to fall from his eyes as he searches frantically for his shirt.

"Please don't Vic. I just forgot...I'm so fucking stupid."

"Don't leave, can we talk about it?"

He stills his movements and looks directly at me, lightly nodding.

While he puts his tank back on, I quickly locate my boxers and slide them on, trying to ignore my body's dismay. Then I push myself across the bed so I can lean against the wall and take Kellin's hand so that he'll join me.

He scoots back and curls into my side, gently resting his head on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around him protectively, hoping to calm the tears flowing from his beautiful blue eyes.

"Are you okay?" I ask softly, not wanting to upset him further, or make him want to leave.

After a few shaky breaths, he replies so quietly that I have to strain to hear.

"Yeah."

Even though my heart is breaking, I push through.

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I was scared."

"I would never be angry with you. Not over this."

"I didn't want to lose you Vic, I didn't want to fuck up what we have."

With this, he breaks down and starts sobbing into my shoulder. The tears are rolling down my bare torso, but I don't mind.

"Hey," I whisper, taking his hand in mine.

"I know now, and I'm still right here. Okay?"

He nods, but doesn't say anything else.

"Can you tell me why you... why you hurt yourself?" I don't want to make him uncomfortable, or push him, but I can't understand why someone as stunning, talented, and successful as Kel, would want to inflict so much pain on himself.

He nods and holds up a finger to signal needing a moment to collect himself.  
After some sniffling, wiping of tears, and a firm hug, he takes a deep breath.

"I've literally always done it. When my music took off I thought..."

He takes a few breaths and squeezes my hand.

"I thought it would make me happy, and I would just stop."

I have so many questions, but keep them to myself for fear of pressuring him into sharing anything he doesn't want to.

"But you didn't." I murmur gently, urging him on.

"No, I didn't. I can't. Even when I'm happy with you I just...I can't stop."

I know it's my turn to speak and try to comfort him, but I don't know if I can trust myself to not cry. Taking a breath I give it a shot.

"It's okay. I've heard that it, um, self harming, is addictive. I know that we have a lot of fun together, but I want to be able to talk about the serious stuff too, you know?"

He nods a little and then we sit in silence for a couple minutes, both of our minds trying to wrap around the situation.

Then, coming to a decision, I speak up.

"Could I see them again?"

I ask this with way more courage than I had said anything else. Kellin's eyes snap to me, looking surprised.

"Really? You want to?"

I nod without thinking.

"Yeah, I think so. If that's okay."

So he slowly crawls away from me, and stands on the floor next to the bed. He takes down his sweats, and steps out of them.  
When he crawls back to me, now just in his gray briefs, I can see that he looks nervous. He sits next to me with the lower part of his legs tucked under him, so I have a clear view of the damage he.'a inflicted on himself.

"Fuck..." I say with a wobble in my usually strong voice.

From his underwear, to the tops of his knees, on both legs, is a mess of thick, white scars. On the right leg there are a few red, scabbed lines as well.

I run my callused fingers over his left thigh because there aren't any fresh cuts and I don't want to hurt him. Although his skin is soft, the scars feel foreign and wrong under my fingertips.

My eyes slide to the other leg, that has a row of deep slices on top of the scars.

"I would have been more careful if I'd known." I whisper, hoping I hadn't caused him pain.

"I know. It's okay." He breathes as he leans forward on his knees to give me a firm kiss on the lips.

I take his face in my hands again, and deepen the kiss, not rushing like earlier, but reassuring him that I still love him and think he's beautiful. 

I pull away first.

"Do you need anything for them? I think I could find some band-aids or I could buy some ointment."

"I think they're okay. Since they're like, a day old now."

I have to blink back tears of my own when he says this.

"Fuck. I feel like I should have known."

"Hey, it's not your fault."

"But it's not yours either."

It takes a second before he nods his head. Something tells me that he doesn't really believe that.

I brush back a piece of his hair and smile at him.

"Do you want to sleep here?"

"Definitely." He replies without skipping a beat.

We both stand up so that I can straighten the covers, pulling the top back to let Kellin slide in first. I join him in my soft, worn sheets, moving behind him to cuddle.

"Thank you Vic." He whispers sincerely.

I just kiss his cheek and snuggle closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2382 words :)


	23. Devil in My Head (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: eating disorders, anxiety, depression, self hate, vomiting.

~Kellin pov~  
~Monday~  
When I wake up Vic is still asleep. I feel terrible so I get out of bed and pad to the bathroom. I pee and then go to the mirror to look at my naked reflection. 

disgusting. 

I’ve been unhappy with my weight for awhile but all of those negative feelings are crashing down on me right now. I pinch the fat that lives around my middle and glare at my curvy hips. Even my thighs are big.

A few tears drop down my face and I want to punch the mirror I feel so much hatred towards myself. 

I wipe my eyes and walk into bedroom, finding a big baggy shirt to hide all of my gross fat.

“Come back to bed.” Vic groans, still half asleep.

I try to hide how upset I am and crawl back into the bed, laying far apart from my boyfriend. He doesn’t let me stay away though, before I know what’s happening he takes me in his arms and pulls me close. As soon as he’s spooning me I feel nauseous. He can feel every part of me. He can feel how gross I am. He’s gonna realize I’m fat and that he’s not attracted to me anymore and he’s gonna break up with me.

“You’re so tense, just relax Kel.” He murmurs. 

I try to relax but I feel so uncomfortable and anxious. After a few minutes I can’t handle it anymore and I push his arms away, leaving the bed again.

“What’s wrong?” Vic asks, seeming concerned and fully awake now.

“Nothing, I just need to get to the studio.” 

I pull out a pair of jeans and layer a flannel over my t-shirt.

“Okay...Well, how long are you working today?”

“I don’t know. I’ll see you later.” 

I feel terrible being so cold to Vic, but I just can’t deal with his affection this morning.

I relax significantly being at the studio all day because it’s easy to skip meals. I don’t eat a single bite of food and no one realizes it because we’re busy and no one hangs around for very long.

When I get home my stomach is killing me, but it’s flat so I’m feeling happier and a little more confident. If it would stop rumbling everything would be perfect.

“Hey baby.” Vic says. He’s on the couch writing music or something with his guitar.

“Hey.” 

“How was your day?”

“It was good, I got a lot done.” I chirp. 

I kick off my shoes before I join him on the couch, resting my head on his shoulder.

“That’s good. Do you need dinner?”

“N-no,” I stutter. “I ate at the studio. Jack picked up food for me.”

He just nods and plants a kiss on my head before focusing on his work again.

I watch tv and cuddle with Vic all night and when he asks why my stomach is gurgling I just lie and say that something I ate isn’t agreeing with me.

~Tuesday~  
The next morning I sleep in later than Vic. I guess starving yourself is exhausting.

When I get up I go straight to the bathroom and look myself over. My stomach is sunken in a little, even though I’ve been drinking a lot of water which can cause bloating. Obviously nothing else has changed but I feel better knowing I’m working towards being skinny.

I join Vic in the kitchen after I brush my teeth, sneaking up behind him and wrapping my arms around him from behind.

“Morning Viccy.” I murmur into his back.

“Hey sleeping beauty, you must have been tired.”

I just nod and he turns around to properly hug me.

“I made you oatmeal.” He says casually.

Shit. I feel my mood drop instantly.

“Thanks.”

He picks up a steaming bowl off the counter and hands it to me. Since he’s watching I scoop up a little spoonful and take a bite.

“Mmm, it’s good.” I say, faking a smile.

“I’m gonna go shower, you enjoy your breakfast.”

I take it and sit at the table, eating a couple more tiny bites while he’s around. As soon as he disappears into the bathroom I scrape the rest of the calorie filled sludge down the garbage disposal. It actually tasted good and I probably would have needed a couple bites of food to get me through the day anyways. 

I get ready and give Vic a kiss before I leave for the studio again. We’re in the thick of recording an album, so we all need to be working as much as we can. This works out well because I need a distraction from the pain stabbing through my abdomen. 

Eventually I break down and eat a small packet of crackers, but I make sure and wash it down with a lot of water.

I end up getting home super late, so Vic and I pretty much go straight to bed. I’m really uncomfortable so I have trouble falling asleep, but it’s worth it.

~Wednesday~  
I feel terrible. 

That’s my first thought when I begin stirring. I’m really cold and I feel nauseous and irritable.

Glancing at the clock I see that it’s really early, but when I roll over I’m surprised to see Vic is awake too.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine.” I stutter as I shuffle further under the covers, pulling them up to my chin.

“Are you sick? You were tossing and turning and your stomach kept growling.”

“I’m not sick.” I mutter.

I toss the blankets off and go into our bathroom. Yes, I feel like a jerk for leaving Vic like that because I know he cares about me, but I’m so pissed that it doesn’t even matter. I need to keep dieting and he’s not going to get in my way. 

If Vic knew that I hate myself he would just tell me I’m beautiful and he would be wrong. For some reason he doesn’t seem to see the awful fat that hangs off my body, but I do. I see it and I need to get rid of it.

In the mirror I see a startling sight. There are bags under my eyes and I look really pale. My stomach is bloated and I’m so freezing that my teeth are almost chattering.

“Fuck,” I whisper.

I don’t speak to Vic all morning, scared that he’s going to figure out something is wrong. Then I disappear to the studio for the rest of the day.

Around midnight Justin and I are the last people left working, so we have a couple of drinks before we head home. He thinks we’re celebrating finishing a particularly difficult song, but I’m just trying to numb my emotions and pain. Not only am I fucking myself up, but I’m fucking up my relationship with Vic too. 

I’m screwed either way because if I don’t starve myself, then I’m going to be so obese that Vic will surely ditch me. On the other hand, not eating seems to make me bitchy, which isn’t good either. Basically, I’m fucked.

It turns out that drinking when all you’ve had to eat is a granola bar isn’t a great idea. I’m super drunk after a small amount of alcohol.

“Let me drive you home.” Justin pleads, claiming he’s just buzzed. He does tolerate his alcohol really well, but he doesn’t live very close to me and I momentarily forget that Vic and I are fighting.

“No, I’ll get a ride. Don’t worry ‘bout me.” I slur, pulling my phone out and locating Vic’s contact.

Justin gives me a thumbs up and leaves.

“Hey.” Vic says, sounding slightly grumpy when he answers.

“Hey I-I need a ride.” 

“Are you fucking drunk? I thought you were working?” 

“I work-I was working, but Justin made drinks.”

“I’ll be there in a minute, wait outside please.”

“Thanks.” I reply in a small voice. I don’t feel good and I hate it when Vic is mad at me.

I stumble outside as swiftly as I can, but by the time I find my way out of the maze we call a hallway, Vic is already waiting for me.

He gets out of his car as soon as he sees me.

“Oh my god, Kellin how much did you drink? Are you okay?”

“I just had a couple dr-drinks... I feel bad.” I mutter.

“Let’s go home.” He mutters to himself. 

For some reason he seems really worried and not mad anymore. I don’t know if that’s good news for me or not. He doesn’t need to be worried, I’ve got it all under control.

We make it to our apartment and he helps me upstairs where I flop down on the couch and groan. Vic disappears for a minute but then shows back up, kneeling beside me on the floor.

“Here, you need to drink this.” He says, handing me a glass of water.

I sit up and do my best, drinking a good amount.

“And eat these.” 

He holds up a box of crackers.

“No.” I snap, laying down again.

“Um yes. Justin says you only had three drinks and you’re completely trashed. What have you eaten today?”

If I were sober I would lie, but I’m definitely not sober.

“A granola bar.”

“Okay, what else?”

“No.” I say like a pouty toddler.

“Come on, help me out.”

“That’s it.”

“Well no fucking wonder you’re drunk. You need to pay more attention to your eating.” He scolds.

If only he knew how much attention I pay to my eating.

I feel really tired and nauseous so I close my eyes and ignore Vic’s request for me to eat. I start falling asleep and I guess he lets me.

~Thursday~  
If I thought I felt bad yesterday, it’s nothing compared to this morning.

Vic must have moved me to our bed because I’m under the covers which helps my chills, but other than that I feel like shit. Not only are all of my symptoms from yesterday still present, but I have a pounding headache too.

“Kellin?” Vic whispers, tapping on my shoulder.

“Hmm?” I grumble.

“Are you alive?”

“No.” 

He touches my shoulder again so I manage to roll over and face him, whimpering a little. I think someone might be driving an ax into my skull, or at least it feels that way. Why did I think drinking on an empty stomach was a good idea?

“What’s going on with you?” He whispers, sounding sad.

“Nothing.” I reply quickly, even though I know he’s about to drag everything out of me.

“Come on, you’ve been weird all week. I mean, we’ve been fucking fighting and we don’t fight.”

I’m silent for a little bit, trying to rebel against the fact that he’s about to know everything.

I shuffle forward, nestling myself into his chest.

“I’m sorry.” I choke out.

“No, no, it’s okay. Just talk to me.”

“I-I haven’t been eating all week cause I’m-I’m-” I absolutely break down and sob into his chest before I can spit out the end of my sentence.

“Shhh, Kells breathe. It’s okay.” He says soothingly, rubbing my back.

“I’m so fucking fat.” I choke out.

“No, no you’re not. Don’t talk like that.” He whispers, still rubbing gentle circles into my aching muscles.

“I just hate myself a-and if I was skinnier I would be h-happier.” 

All the feelings that I’ve been trying to bottle up and push away are pouring out of me. I can’t stop the tears that flow out of my eyes or the panicky feeling that’s seizing my chest.

Vic doesn’t say anything, he just pulls me closer and shushes me until I eventually calm down a little. He’s always had a gift when it comes to helping me.

“I didn’t know that any of this was going on. You’ve gotta talk to me Kells, so I can help you.”

“I know, but you would make me eat.”

“That’s...true. I actually think we should go get you some food right now.”

I feel dread take over my body but the hunger in my belly forces me to give in.

“I knew you would say that.” I sigh.

He leaves our bed first and then holds a hand out to help me.

“I’m fine.” I mutter under my breathe.

It turns out that I’m not fine. 

When I get up my headache bashes into my skull and the whole world spins.

“Fuck!” I curse, feeling Vic’s hands on my waist.

It only takes a second for everything to hold still but Vic looks freaked out.

“Okay now?” He checks, slowly letting go to test if I can stand on my own.

I nod, embarrassed that I’ve let myself get this weak and sick. The part of my mind that usually tells me this is for the greater good isn’t quite so convincing right now.

He leads me out to the kitchen and sits me on a chair at the table, ordering me to stay put. I put my arms on the table and then rest my face in them. The lights are burning my eyes and every little sound makes my head hurt worse.

My worried boyfriend hurries around the kitchen, constantly keeping an eye on me, before he delivers a plate of scrambled eggs with a piece of toast, a glass of water, and some painkillers.

“Only take the ibuprofen when your food is gone.” He reminds me.

I start eating and it actually tastes pretty good. I’m halfway through my plate when my stomach lurches.

I guess I shouldn’t have gone from zero food to a full breakfast. I feel nauseous and the eggs start creeping up my throat.

“I’m gonna be sick.” I say as I run for the bathroom.

I barely make it in time to empty my breakfast into the toilet. Even though my body keeps heaving, that’s all I had in my system.

Vic is immediately beside me, holding back my hair as well as he can. When I seem to be done vomiting he sits on the floor next to me with a serious expression plastered on his face.

“Kellin, I want you to be one hundred percent honest with me. Have you eaten anything more than snacks all week?”

I hesitantly shake my head, feeling something new. Shame. I’m a grown ass man and I can’t take care of myself. Food is a basic necessity and I should have known that I can’t just stop eating. I should have dieted and exercised but I guess it’s too late to go back now.

“Fuck. Okay, we’re gonna need to start smaller and then work up to a meal.” He says.

So that’s what we do. 

Vic continues to coddle me all day. He feeds me a little bit at a time until I can eat a sandwich and keep it down. He calls the band and tells them that I’m taking a little time off. He even comes in the shower with me and washes the vomit out of my hair.

We get in bed early cause it’s been an exhausting day for both of us. I keep plenty of distance between Vic and I just like I’ve been trying to do for awhile, so he can’t feel my body.

“Kellin, come here.” He murmurs, reaching out and grabbing my waist.

I immediately tense up and feel nauseous. I push his arms off me and get out of bed. I know that this doesn’t make any sense because he held me this morning and fucking showered with me, but that’s how my anxiety works. In annoying bursts.

“Did I do something?” He asks.

“No, not really. I’m sorry.” I sigh.

“Come here.”

I join him again and let him hold me even though I still feel panicky.

“Why?” He asks, obviously knowing something is up.

“Because you can feel me.”

“Oh. That doesn’t matter, I think you’re gorgeous and I love you no matter what.”

“I know. I just don’t want you to leave me cause I’m-“

“Don’t say it. You’re not and I’m not leaving you. End of story.”

I nod, trying to believe him.

“Get some rest.” He whispers.

~Friday~  
The next morning I completely avoid the mirror in the bathroom, but I feel better. I feel well rested and my stomach doesn’t seem to be destroying itself anymore. I don’t know how to feel about everything but I’m trying to be positive.

Vic makes me breakfast and I eat all of it which seems to make him happy, but then I break down and have a panic attack, which makes us both unhappy.

I’ve finally calmed down and I’m sitting on the couch in Vic’s lap, still practicing some deep breathing.

“Have you ever gone to therapy?” He asks me.

I’ve been expecting a conversation like this. Obviously just because Vic knows about my recent habits doesn’t mean I’m magically cured. There’s something wrong and I probably need professional help or medicine.

“I saw the counselor in high school when my panic attacks first started, but I haven’t since then.”

“Maybe you should think about it, even if you only go for awhile.”

“I’ll consider it.” I murmur, making him smile and kiss my forehead.

The rest of the day goes pretty smoothly except a minor breakdown when I get a text that the band finished a song I had been working on. I feel ashamed and annoyed that I’m so fucked up I’m missing out on making the album.

I eventually wear myself out and we get into bed where I let Vic hold me. I push all the negative thoughts away and try to enjoy his warmth.

“I think I’m gonna research therapists around here tomorrow.” I whisper, already dozing off.

“That’s great, I’m proud of you Kells.” He says sincerely.

At first I think that’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever said, but when I consider how I felt on Monday morning and what I’ve gone through this week, versus how I’m doing now, I’m a little proud too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3038 words :)


	24. Why didn’t we do that sooner? (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is hella long cause it wasn’t originally a one shot, but I switched the ship and decided to just post it here.

~Kellin pov~  
Vic and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. His family moved in next door when we were both super young, and we hit it off immediately.

We spent every summer sneaking out of the house to go to the beach after dark, or hanging out at the pool eating ice cream all day. He’s the only reason I made it through freshmen year of high school. Nobody else seemed to like me but Vic was my built in best friend.

One night when we were newly teenagers I ended up texting Vic, asking him to come over and climb through my window. When he showed up, I was sobbing in my room. That was the first night my parents fought.

After that fateful evening he started coming over a few times a year to console me. His parents never screamed at each other but he knew how painful it was for me to hear.

As we got older, I started texting Vic much more often. My parents constantly argue, screaming at each other, sometimes dragging me into the mix.

Tonight was one of those fights.

Even now that I’m eighteen, I sit on my bed with my door shut tight, trying to muffle the voices coming from the lower level of the house.

Per usual, I send a text to my best friend.

Kel: Will you come over?

Vic: Front door?

Kel: Window plz.

Vic: One minute.

He knows that he can just walk in the front door if everything is normal, but he always climbs to my window if my parents are at it.

Even though we’re both gay and my parents know it, they’ve always let Vic come up to my room and even sleep over, so that’s not a problem. I just doubt they would answer the door while they’re screaming at each other and I sure as hell don’t want to go down there.

Recently I’ve found myself wishing that I was more than friends with Vic. It’s probably just hormones, but he’s sexy...

It seems like overnight he grew out his curly, brown hair and developed muscles that made his arms amazingly attractive.

I’m pretty sure things are changing between us and I’m not sure if I want them to. Vic seems awkward when we bump hands, or share food. Small, intimate things that used to be comfortable, suddenly feel like they have significance.

I’m honestly not sure if Vic thinks I’m sexy. He’s told me that I look nice on multiple occasions, to be polite, but I often wonder if he finds me attractive.

I’m a little taller than him and naturally pretty curvy for a guy. Since I have hips I love wearing skinny jeans that accentuate them, and wearing crop tops sometimes because my stomach is flat. My defining feature though is my raven black hair. It reaches my shoulders and has a few brown highlights to give it texture.

I’ve made a vow to myself that I won’t do anything drastic unless I’m one hundred percent sure that Vic is into me. I won’t risk our friendship over something silly like romance.

I crawl across my full size bed and hoist the window open when Vic taps on it.

“Hey,” I murmur.

“What’s up?” Vic says, skipping the pleasantries all together.

He sits beside my on my bed and crosses his legs under him. He’s so gay he can’t even sit straight.

“They’re fighting again.” I say, feeling tears in my eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s gonna blow over.”

I just nod and after a second or two Vic takes my hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb.

“Why can’t they fucking keep it down? I’ve told them it bothers me.” I sniffle, wiping away a few tears that escaped down my cheeks.

“Because they’re assholes.” He replies, trying to make me laugh. We’ve been friends long enough for him to know he won’t offend me with a comment like this.

I let a small smile form on my mouth. When he smiles at me in his easy, handsome way, I feel a bit of color rush to my cheeks.

“What?” He asks, much to my horror.

“What? Nothing.”

He gives me a funny look, but thankfully drops it.

It’s not too long before my parents finally give it up. Either coming to an agreement, or more likely, going to bed pissed at each other.

“I guess that’s my cue.” Vic says with a small smile.

“Thanks for coming over, you always make me feel better.” I say as I lean over and gave my friend a quick hug. He hugs back after a second, and when we part I swear he seems flustered.

Without another word he slips out of my window, leaving me boiling with curiosity.

~Vic pov~  
“Shit shit shit shit shit.” I mutter as I enter my room.

Kellin knows, I’m sure of it.

I tried to be cool and be a good friend, but now I’ve given up my secret because he fucking hugged me. Hugs are no big deal, we’ve definitely hugged before, but I acted weird tonight. It’s not my fault that feeling Kellin’s curvy body against me had been unexpectedly intimate.

Everything he does drives me wild. The way he walks, his personality, his gorgeous hair and especially the way he isn’t afraid to show off his body.

I’ve spent a large portion of our time together these last few months wondering what it would feel like to kiss him. As much as I wish I didn’t, I have it bad for my best friend.

I don’t know what to do.

~

The next evening I get another distress text from Kellin and quickly get changed to go next door.

I double check my outfit in the full length mirror on the back of my door. Black sweats, band tee, and my favorite pair of vans. After I hide my unruly hair under a beanie I decide it’s good enough.

I leave my house, cross the the yard, and use a ledge in front of Kellin’s house to propel myself to the low roof in front of his bedroom window. This seemed like a real challenge when I was younger, but now it’s as natural as walking through the front door.

When I tap on Kellin’s window my heart rate goes up.

He pushes it open and I swing myself through.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you two nights in a row.” He says quickly, obviously shaken up.

“Don’t worry about it, what’s wrong?” 

I sit next to him on the edge of his bed, not quite close enough for our thighs to touch.

“Mom and dad were cleaning up dinner, and I was right there...and then they started bickering a-and dad threw a glass across the room.” Kellin spills, seeming like it’s been brewing all night. “Some of the glass hit my leg, and it could have cut me, but Vic...neither of them even noticed. They never came up to check on me.” He sobs.

“Kel, are you okay?” I ask, truly concerned.

He shakes his head, looking so pitiful and sad that I can’t take it. Before I know what I’m doing, I wrap my arms firmly around him. He hugs me back and we stay connected like that for awhile.

When we part, Kellin looks up at me with his gorgeous blue eyes and without a second thought I press my lips to his.

I don’t know what gives me the confidence, but the moment feels right.

It takes me a second to realize that Kellin is kissing me back. I can’t believe how soft his lips are, or how good he tastes. I put my hands on his shoulder blades and let them trail down to the small of his back.

Kellin’s delicate fingers push my hat off so he they can tangle themselves in my hair and I’m momentarily blinded by how good it feels to be this close with him.

Kellin pulls away a little, whispering while keeping his face close to mine.

“Holy shit Vic, why didn’t we do that sooner?”

I let out a nervous laugh, but it turns into full on hysterics when Kellin joins me.

“I was so worried you didn’t like me like that.” I admit after we calm down.

“I know. I didn’t want to ruin everything by telling you.” He says quietly, taking my hand.

“If you wanted, you could come over to my place tomorrow. My parents are taking Mikey to his soccer tournament out of town.”

“So it would just be the two of us?” He asks, making me blush.

“Yeah, but you don’t have to. I just thought we could watch a movie or...”

“Yes, I want to come over.”

I smile and lean over to give him a quick kiss, running my fingers through his thick, wavy hair.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow, around seven?”

“I’ll be there.” He whispers.

~

~Kellin pov~  
It’s 6:00 and I just finished blow drying my hair after I got out of the shower.

I cross the hall to my bedroom, only a towel wrapped around my body. I open my closet and start weighing my options. Should I go casual, like usual, or a little nicer? Is this a date?

I start by choosing a lace thong that I’ve owned for awhile. I hope Vic thinks it’s hot and not weird. After finally deciding on a pair of black skinny jeans and a light pink crop top, I quickly add some highlight to my cheeks and head downstairs.

“I’m going to Vic’s for the night.” I call to the seemingly empty house. My dad should be home, but he’s probably at the bar because we both know that my mom is working late.

I don’t even bother to put on shoes, knowing that I’m only going next door.

I like Vic’s house a lot more than my own. It’s a little smaller, but it gives off a warmth that my family’s lacks.

I think about letting myself in, but decide against it and knock.

Vic swings the door open after a minute and speaks in his gorgeous, light voice.

“Kel, you know you don’t have to knock.”

I feel a little warmth in my cheeks, but just ignore it as I step into the familiar entryway.

“I know, but I thought maybe rules were different for a date.” 

A smile suddenly appears on Vic’s face.

“I wasn’t sure if this was a date, but I’m glad it is.”

I come closer to him and our bodies press together. Just before our lips meet Vic whispers.

“You still didn’t have to knock.”

I press our mouths together and brush his lips with my tongue. As soon as he lets me in I’m overtaken by his minty taste. There’s more urgency in this kiss than the one we shared last night. It feels like there are so many more possibilities.

When I feel Vic’s hands drop to my butt I know we have to stop for a minute.

“Vic.” I murmur, taking one step away while keeping my hands on his strong torso.

He takes a deep breath and runs his hands through his hair, probably trying to collect himself.

“I’m sorry.” I say, feeling guilty.

“Oh my god, don’t apologize. Come here.” 

He takes my hand and leads me to the living room. He takes a seat at one end of the couch and I lay down with my head in his lap. His fingers start playing with my hair, twirling it and brushing loose strands away from my face.

I turn my head away from him, so he can’t see her face as clearly. When I speak it’s painfully quiet.

“I’ve never...I mean.” I clear my throat and try again, glancing at him. “Vic, I’ve never had sex.”

I feel like he should know this, but there’s a line in our friendship that we’ve never crossed. That line is anything sex related.

I don’t feel uncomfortable talking about it with him now that I’ve started. It will probably flow just like everything else we discuss.

“Really?” He asks, sounded sincerely surprised.

“I think I would be the one to know.” I mutter.

“Honestly, I thought you and that dude Lucas were doing it.”

I can’t help but laugh.

“Definitely not. He was kind of a jerk.”

“Have you done anything?” He asks, sounding curious.

“What do you mean by “anything”?” I inquire, not wanting to tell him details he doesn’t want.

“I don’t know. Masturbated, hand jobs, oral stuff?”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you just asked me that.” I giggle.

We almost double over laughing, and that’s the only reason I reply once the hilarity dies down.

“I’m a horny teenager Vic, of course I’ve masturbated. I gave one of my boyfriends a couple of blowjobs, but other than that my sex life is nonexistent.”

“Well you don’t need to feel embarrassed about it with me.” He says kindly.

“Your turn.” I chirp, giving him a wicked smile and sitting up.

“Oh you want to know all about my sexual activity, huh?” He teases.

“Yeah, I told you mine. Spill.” I reply.

“Okay fine, I’ve been with three guys. Did you want a breakdown of how many times I slept with each?”

“Wait,” I start, feeling confused. “You’ve only had like, two serious relationships. Who else did you sleep with?”

“I’m not telling you that.” He says defensively.

“Oh come on, now you have to.” I say, only partially joking. I don’t want to make anything awkward, but I’m too curious to give up now.

“Kells, It wasn’t my proudest moment.” He says, closing off.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. You don’t have to tell me.” I mend quickly, wishing I hadn’t pushed him.

“No, it’s okay.... It was last year during spring break when I went to Miami with Tony and those guys. I got drunk and one thing led to another...well I don’t even know what his name was.”

“Why are you embarrassed by that? I thought you would be proud of a one night stand?”

“I just felt bad. I mean, it’s sex... It should mean something.” He says the last part quietly, making eye contact with me.

We’re already facing each other, so it only takes one movement for our lips to meet. The kiss starts sweet and soft, like our first, but we both know it won’t stay that way.

Vic turns himself to the side and lays down longways on the couch, pulling me on top of him. I have my hands on his chest, then in his hair, loving every single part of him that I touch.

He lets his hands wander all over my ass, and then glide up my shirt. His hands are rough but they feel nice and warm on my skin.

I feel his fingers start teasing my nipple and I almost whimper.

I sit up, straddling his hips, and take off my shirt before my hands go to the hem of his. I lift it up, revealing his beautiful tan abs.

When I bend over again and feel our bare chests press together I smile against the Vic’s lips. This is all so new, but so good.

“Lets go upstairs.” He says in a low voice. It’s quiet, but I think it’s sexy as hell.

“Okay.”

We get up and walk hand in hand upstairs.

~Vic’s pov~  
I can’t believe I’m taking Kellin to my bedroom...to sleep with him. Actually kissing him seemed impossible, having sex with him will probably give me a heart attack.

We fall on the bed and resume our making out, quickly sliding each other’s pants off.

I can’t believe my eyes when I remove Kellin’s jeans. Underneath he’s wearing a black, lace thong and I can feel myself harden at the sight.

He hooks his fingers in the top of his skimpy panties, and slides those off too.

I can’t help myself, I kiss my way down Kellin’s flat stomach until I reach his dick. He’s semi hard and as I take him into my mouth I can feel him grow.

“Fuck.” He says quietly, seemingly to himself.

I swirl my tongue faster, and reach under him to gently rub his hole with one of my fingers.

“Vic...” He murmurs, looking down at me through heavy eyes.

“Yeah?” I ask, removing my mouth from his dick and stroking it firmly.

“Vic I’m gonna cum if you don’t stop doing that.” He warns.

I stand up from the bed and Kellin follows. He slides down my boxers to reveal my hard, dripping member.

The boy stands beside me and spins us around, pushing me back so I’ll lay in the same place on the bed that he just vacated. He kneels down, positioning himself between my knees. He takes my dick in his small hand and starts pumping it slowly. Obviously this is easy, but the way he twists in just the right places, and gives me perfect pressure, it’s obvious he’s done this before.

I’m holding myself together pretty well, letting out a few pleasurable sighs. Then Kellin bends his head and licks the tip of my cock right before he takes the entire thing into his mouth and throat.

I’m not huge, but I’m long enough to feel the back of my boyfriend’s throat and the sensation drives me wild.

“Oh holy shit...”

He pulls away and smiles up at me, then takes the whole thing again, bobbing his head up and down perfectly.

He only gets choked up a couple of times, but eventually I warn him that he should stop, or this will all be over far too soon.

I motion for him to lay back down while I retrieve a condom. There are only a couple stashed in one of my dresser drawers, so I make a mental note to buy more.

When I return to the bed, I push all of my lust aside, and speak to the beautiful boy laying there.

“Are you sure you want to go further?”

“Yes Vic, just fuck me.” He answers in such a sultry tone that I don’t need to be told twice.

I roll the condom over myself and lube my dick up, then using my slick fingers to prep Kellin. Once we’re ready I get on top of him, but hold most of my weight with my arms so he has some space. I line my dick up with his opening and gently start pressing inside of him, entering easily because we’re both prepped.

“Is that okay?” I ask.

“Yeah.” He answers, draping his arms over my neck.

It takes all of my control to not push myself all the way inside of Kellin, he’s so warm and tight.

As I push the last of my length inside of the delicate boy beneath me, he takes a sharp breath.

“Don’t move for a minute.” He murmurs.

My heart rate shoots up.

“Are you okay? We can stop.”

“No! I don’t want to stop, it just pinches a little.”

There are a few seconds of deep breathing and panting, then Kellin gives me a nod. I kiss him and slowly move, terrified of hurting my friend. He doesn’t really react at first but when I change the angle of my hips instead of another grimace, his eyes flutter shut and he moans.

I can’t believe how good it feels to be with someone that I really love. Nothing is awkward and it seems like our bodies are built to be together.

I take Kellin in my arms and roll over so I’m on the bottom and he can ride me. He immediately starts lifting his hips and sliding back down, slightly grinding when he’s fully seated. I’ve never seen such an erotic sight.

Although it’s sexy, I need more and I start thrusting up to meet Kellin’s motions.

“Oh my god, yes, just like that.” He begs.

I fuck him right in that spot until he’s making sounds like a porn star.

“I’m gonna cum.” He whines, his voice unsteady from all of the movement.

I keep my rhythm until I feel Kellin’s muscles tighten around my cock, squeezing and pulsing. This, along with the smutty noises leaving the boy, send me over the edge too. My orgasm rocks through me as I slam myself deep into Kellin, trying to be gentle, and failing.

As our highs faded away Kellin slides off my cock and I remove the condom, knotting it and letting it slip to the floor.

We sink into the bed and Kellin immediately curls up into my side. I put an arm around him, pulling him close.

After our panting has stopped, I’m the first to speak.

“Where the hell did you learn to deepthroat like that?”

“Hey! I told you that I had done that before.” He says, feigning anger.

“Yeah, “ giving a couple of blowjobs” doesn’t usually mean you can do that.” I tease, laughing deep in my chest.

“Well are you complaining?” He sasses.

“Fuck no. That was amazing. How...uh... how was it for you? Are you in pain at all?” I ask.

“There was only one time that it hurt, but other than that...shit, it felt fantastic.” He replies, almost sounding embarrassed even though we both knew he shouldn’t be. Everyone should feel good during sex.

We eventually migrate under the covers, and snuggle in together.

~

I don’t even remember falling asleep, but now my eyes are opening, the sun is glaring through the windows since I didn’t shut the curtains, and I hear footsteps on the stairs.

I’m still so groggy with sleep that I don’t connect all the dots until someone taps on my door and it swings open, revealing my mom.

“Oh shit!” I curse, sitting up fast to cover Kellin with the blankets that shifted during the night.

“Vic! Sorry!” My mom shrieks, backing out of the room and covering her eyes. She doesn’t leave though.

Kellin is instantly awake, he looks at me, then my mom, and the red rushes to his face. He quickly helps me gather sheets around both of our naked bodies.

“Come downstairs whenever you’re decent please.” My mom says, seeming flustered, as she shuts the door and retreats downstairs.

I have a feeling we can’t lie our way out of this. I cringe when I remember there’s a used condom somewhere on the floor.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry Kel.” I apologize, standing up and sorting our clothes in two piles.

“You didn’t know she would be home. It’s gonna be okay.” He says calmly, yawning and trying to make himself presentable.

Both of our shirts are somewhere in the living room so I find us a couple of clean ones in my closet. Once we’re both dressed I turn to my brand new boyfriend.

“Let’s get this over with.” I sigh.

He nods firmly and takes my hand. Together we leave the safety of my room and walk downstairs.

My mom is sitting at the kitchen table waiting for us. We sit down across from her and I shoot Kellin what I hope is a reassuring smile.

“I’m sorry kids, I didn’t know Vic had anyone over. I didn’t mean to...see that.”

“It’s okay Mom.” I reply kindly.

“How long have you two been, um, active together?” She asks, seeming very uncomfortable.

“We’ve only been dating a little while. We weren’t keeping anything from you on purpose, this is all just a coincidence.” Kellin says, sounding very mature.

“Yeah, why are you home?” I pipe up.

“Oh, well Mike forgot his cleats and he needs them before their game, so I should go. You kids...just remember to be safe, okay?”

I nod, blood rushing to my cheeks.

She leaves a few minutes later, hurrying to make it back before Mike needs to be ready.

“Well that was painful.” I say, embracing Kellin.

“Could have been worse.” He says, sounding muffled against my chest.

“Plus, it was totally worth it.”

“I wouldn’t change a single thing.” He agrees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4047 words :)


	25. Oli is an asshole (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: blood and self harm. This one definitely romanticizes self harm and I’m sorry about that, but I really like how it turned out...
> 
> AN: I don’t think Oliver Sykes is really an asshole ;)

~Awsten pov~  
“What do you mean we should break up?” I ask with a shaky voice.

I’ve known this was coming because everyone ends up leaving me, but I didn’t expect it today. You never expect these things when they actually happen.

“It’s just that, I don’t think we can handle long distance and I’m gonna be gone a lot with the band. Please understand Awsten, I think it’s best for both of us.”

“No, Oli, I don’t think it’s best for both of us! I think we’re good together. I-I love you,” I say desperately.

“I don’t think you do,” he replies quietly.

I feel crushed. My heart is in my throat and my hands are trembling. I can’t breathe.

“Then get your stuff and leave,” I sob.

“You don’t want to talk more?”

“No I don’t want to fucking talk. Get your shit and get the fuck out.” 

I storm past him and shut myself in the bathroom, immediately rummaging through the vanity drawers. This is weak and stupid and will only be seen as attention seeking, but I need it. I desperately need it. I find one of my old razor blades and roll up my sleeve, pressing the cool metal to my wrist. I don’t even stop to think this through. I don’t consider the fact that I’m two years clean, I don’t consider the fact that this is dangerous, I just do it. I push it into my skin and drag it roughly across my wrist. The blood bubbles out and I admire it before I make another cut and another and another. 

I harm myself until I can’t see any of my pale complexion through the blood, then I collapse on the floor and bury my face in my hands. It’s one of those annoying times that I wish I could cry, but I can’t. I want to, I desperately want the release of tears, but they don’t want to leave me.

The door swings open and Oli stands there, towering over me.

“What the fuck did you do to yourself?”

“N-nothing.”

“Oh my god, this is why we’re done. You don’t give a shit about anything or anyone except yourself and your own fucking drama.”

The tears are ready to spill now. 

I sob into my hands while he gathers his toothbrush and other belongings from the bathroom. He’s not concerned about my wrist. He just leaves and after awhile I hear him leave the apartment.

My wrist is still bleeding. Some of the cuts have stopped but others are deeper and producing streams of thick blood. I feel a little pang of fear and guilt in my heart. I’ve never cut this much all at once. I don’t want to die.

I fish around in my pockets until I find my phone. I dial the number of the only person I know won’t judge me.

“G-Geoff?” I stutter. 

“Awsten? Are you okay?” 

“No, will you come over?”

“I’m already on my way, alright? Put some pressure on them.”

“Okay,” I mumble before hanging up.

I hoist myself up from the floor and the room spins around me.

“Fuck,” I whisper, clinging onto the sink.

I grab the hand towel and press it against my arm. Blood soaks through it but I try not to worry. Geoff will be here soon.

Most people assumed that Oli helped me stop cutting, but he didn’t. Right around the time I met Oli I also met Geoff. We started working at the same coffee shop and immediately hit it off. It wasn’t long before we started hanging out after work and one day he saw my cuts. He was so sweet and said that he’d love to help me stop. 

It was a rough road, but Geoff was always there for me. He called me every day, quickly responded to my texts, distracted me from urges, and even talked me into seeing a therapist for awhile.

“Awsten?” Geoff yells as he comes through the front door.

“Bathroom,” I reply weakly.

He appears next to me seconds later.

“Fuck, it’s gonna be okay. Come lay down.”

A fresh batch of tears roll down my face as he helps me onto my bed. 

“I’ll be right back,” he says, rushing to the bathroom.

I get my crying under control before he comes returns. He’s got the first aid kit and he sits on the bed beside me, digging though the contents. He lays a few things out and then takes my hurt arm and pulls the towel away from it. 

“Oh god. It’s gonna be fine, I think they stopped bleeding,” he reassures me.

I try to ignore the pain as he wipes the cuts down and butterfly bandages a few of them. When he’s wrapping my wrist in soft ace bandages he finally starts asking questions.

“What happened Aws?”

“Um, Oli b-broke up with me.”

“Why? Haven’t you guys been together a long time?”

“Yeah,” I choke out, “but I knew it was gonna happen sometime.”

“Were you guys having problems?”

“Not really. It’s just that, like, everyone leaves me. I’ve never had a friend or a boyfriend that stuck around for more than a couple years,” I admit, my voice wobbling.

Geoff takes my hand in his and squeezes it.

“That doesn’t have anything to do with you, I think you’ve just been unlucky with relationships.”

“N-no. It’s gotta be me. Everyone else has best friends and spouses and I’m just broken. There’s something about me that people don’t like.”

“What about me? I like you.”

“I know,” I mumble, trying to get my emotions in check.

“Come on, lets watch tv,” he suggests cheerily.

Geoff’s a big believer in not dwelling on things we can’t change so as much as I might want to lay here and continue my pity party, I let him drag me out to the living room.

After watching The Office for awhile I will admit that I feel better. I’m curled into Geoff’s side and he made me hot cocoa, so I feel all snuggly and warm.

“Oli said that I don’t give a shit about anything but my own drama,” I mutter. Geoff looks at me quickly and I think I see some anger in his eyes.

“Oli is an asshole. Always has been.”

“You really think so?” I ask curiously. Geoff and Oli never spent much time together.

“Oh yeah, one time he showed up at the shop while I was working and he told me to stay away from you.”

“What? He did?” 

“Yep, he was worried we were fucking or like, secretly dating or something. He refused to believe we were just friends.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I know.”

“I’m glad he’s gone.”

“No you’re not, you’re sad and that’s okay. Breakups suck.”

“Yeah.”

“Would it be okay if I stay here for awhile?”

“Sure, why?”

“I just don’t want to be worried about you constantly. I’ll hang out for a week and make sure you’re okay.”

“That sounds nice. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

A little while passes and I’m dozing off on Geoff’s chest, enjoying his warmth.

“Geoff?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe when I’m over Oli we should date or fuck.”

I feel his chest shake with laughter.

“Okay. Probably dating first.”

“Okay,” I agree, falling asleep in his safe embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1228 words :)


	26. Yearning (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: homophobia  
> AN: Heyo, it’s the usual disclaimer. I don’t think Justin Hills is a complete dick, it’s just for the sake of the story~

~kellin pov~  
“I don’t know, I think he’s bi or something gross like that,” Justin says, telling a story about someone and not even realizing that he’s being incredibly homophobic.

I’ve been hanging out with a few friends all evening but now we’re just chit chatting in the parking lot until everyone is ready to leave. 

Justin is one of my friends and here’s a few things you need to know about him. He’s extremely cute, very fun to spend time with, straight, and I totally have a crush on him.

I know that I shouldn’t torture myself by liking him because it’s never gonna happen, but there’s something so polarizing about him. I love how he talks and the clothes he wears and how he makes me laugh. I just can’t get over it.

“Alright, I think I’m gonna head out,” I say, hating how hateful the conversation has turned. I can’t speak up though because nobody knows I’m gay.

I back up a few steps from the group and give them a little wave. Every says their goodbyes and then returns to their conversation.

I try to shake off Justin’s comment the whole drive home, but I can’t get it out of my head. 

“Bi or something gross like that, bi or something gross like that, bi or something gross-“ It just plays over and over on repeat. 

If Justin knew I’m gay would he think I’m gross? He would probably be cool about it because I’m his friend, but would he secretly hate me? Would he stop saying homophobic shit like that? I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and just hope that he’s goofing off. He doesn’t hate gays. I don’t let my mind wander to all the other times he’s mentioned refusing to watch shows with lgbtq+ characters or called transgender people freaks. He’s just...I don’t know, uneducated.

I’ve made it all the way home and as I push open the door to my apartment I see my roommate, Vic, on the couch.

“Hey, did you have a good night?” He asks.

I paste a smile on, which confuses me because I did have fun. I just feel so down now.

“Yeah, it was great. How about you?”

“Oh, boring. I’ve been watching Say Yes to the Dress for the last two hours.”

“Oh shit, are they having another marathon?” 

I sit my keys down, kick off my shoes, and plop on the couch beside Vic.

We watch all of the dramatic families and bitchy brides for awhile before my mind wanders again. Justin is never gonna like me back, I need to get that through my head. It would be easier if he was less funny and if his smile wasn’t so damn cute.

I heave a sigh.

“You okay?” Vic asks sweetly.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

I scoot closer to my friend and rest my head on his shoulder.

“Hey Vic?” I squeak after a minute.

“Yeah?”

“You know Justin?”

“Hills?”

“Yeah.”

“What about him?”

“I-I like him,” I admit quietly.

“Oh, is he gay?”

“No, no he’s straight. I know it’s silly to have a crush on someone when there’s no chance of it going anywhere, but I can’t help it.”

“That’s okay, we can’t change how we feel about some things.”

“Yeah. It’s just that...he said something tonight that kinda sucked.”

“What?”

“Just something about bisexual people being gross or whatever. He was just being Justin, but it really made me realize that he’s never gonna like me back.”

Vic is quiet for awhile.

“Kells,” he sighs, “I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it sounds like he was being a homophobic asshole.”

I lift my head off his shoulder and glare at him.

“N-no. That’s not- he wasn’t! He was just goofing off, he does that and he was raised in this small town and no one was gay. He’s fine with gays.”

Vic gives me an unimpressed look but holds up his hands in surrender.

“Whatever you say, but I gave you my two cents.”

I lay down and put my head in his lap. 

Justin is homophobic. He is an asshole. He’s never gonna like me and there’s a possibility that if he knew I’m gay he wouldn’t even want to be my friend anymore.

I feel a tear escape my eye and I quickly wipe it away. 

Why do I hang out with him and crush on him and waste my time when he makes me feel like shit? Don’t I deserve friends that make me feel comfortable and good? Maybe not, maybe I am gross.

I can’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. I try to wipe them away but a sob shakes my body and I just cover my face with my hands.

“Woah, hey, what’s wrong?” Vic questions when he realizes that I’m crying.

I shake my head and sob harder. 

“Don’t cry, come here,” he soothes, sitting me up on his lap and letting me cry into his shoulder.

“I-I know that Justin isn’t nice but I w-want him to like me s-so bad that I just keep trying. I just want someone to like me back for once.” I cry, my breath hitching.

“Aw Kells, the right person will come along who’s sweet and caring and very, very gay, but that person isn’t Justin.”

I know he’s right but it still sucks to hear. It’s like the last little flicker of hope has been snuffed out.

I cry until I run out of tears and I’m only left with a headache. I crawl off Vic’s lap and sit beside him on the couch again.

“Sorry,” I croak, “I just feel like shit tonight, I should go to sleep.”

“Okay, that’s sounds good.” He says, smiling sadly at me.

I get up and walk to the doorway before Vic stops me.

“Hey,” he says.

“Yeah?”

“You’re an amazing person and you deserve someone who realizes that.”

I feel the tears fill my eyes again at his kind words.

“Thanks Vic. I just wish I could hurry up and find them.”

He smiles.

“Maybe they’re already in your life and you just don’t know it yet.”

“Maybe,” I echo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1048 words :)


	27. Uncle Kellin (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: none

Mom: Kellin, come over and swim with us!

Kellin: Mom, the last time we swam in your pool is was so cold that my teeth were chattering.

Mom: Okay, I might have jumped the gun with an April pool party, but I swear it’s warm today. It’ll be fun, I promise!

Kellin: Fine, I’ll come over. See you in fifteen.

When I pull up to my parent’s house a little while later I heave a sigh. I love my family and I’m excited to see my sister and her husband and kids, but it’s always exhausting to deal with everyone. I’m just such an introvert that I would way rather be at home, in bed, cuddling with Vic right now.

I grab my bag and head inside, going straight to the bathroom to put on swim trunks since everyone seems to be outside. I lather on some suntan lotion to protect my painfully pale skin since I never tan, I just burn. Finally I walk through the house and out the back doors. There’s a couple kids in the pool with my brother-in-law, and one crying in the grass. My parents are lounging in the shade and my sister is trying to make the crying kid...well..stop crying.

I run and cannonball straight into the water, surprising everyone.

“Uncle Kellin!” One of the kids screeches. Everyone says hi and I enjoy the water. They were right, it’s warm like a bath and feels good since it’s really hot outside. I chit chat with my sister and play Marco Polo with the kids. Overall it’s a good day.

A couple hours have passed and I’m tired so I hoist myself out of the water.

“Uncle Kellin, what’s wrong with your back?” One of my niece’s chirps.

“I don’t know? Nothing?”

My mom comes to inspect and gasps.

“Honey, you’re covered in bruises.”

I suddenly remember last night, Vic holding my back down while he fucked me into our mattress.

“Oh, that’s nothing sweetie.” I tell my niece, ignoring my mom’s worried expression. 

I wrap a towel around my waist and go inside. In the bathroom I glance in the mirror over my shoulder. Sure enough I have a few larger, purple bruises but most of them are roughly the size of fingertips. I get dressed and hope I can slip out the front door without an interrogation but that hope is dashed when I open the bathroom door. My mom is waiting for me, her eyebrows pinched together and worry glinting in her eyes.

“Kellin, is everything all right?”

“Um, yeah. Everything is totally good mom,” I assure her, trying to make my escape.

“What happened to your back?” 

Fuck fuck fuck. I desperately don’t want to have this conversation.

“Nothing, Vic was just a little rough last night,” I mutter quietly. I don’t know if anyone is around but if my sister is eavesdropping then I’ll never live this down.

“Rough? Is he abusing you? You can tell me, we can get you help, is he drinking? Doing drugs? I have a friend down at-“

“Mom! Stop! He’s not abusing me, we were... they’re... the bruises are from sex,” I finally explain.

My mom’s cheeks immediately tint pink and she chuckles nervously.

“Oh. Oh! Okay.”

“Yeah, thanks for the concern.”

“Yep, I’ll, um, see you later dear.”

“Okay, love you mom.”

She quickly rushes away and I leave in a hurry.

As soon as I get back to my and Vic’s apartment I toss my bag and keys aside and march into the living room. He’s on the couch, working on his laptop and looking fucking adorable in his comfortable clothes and glasses, but I can’t get distracted.

“Victor Vincent Fuentes, you asshole!” I shriek.

“What? What did I do?” He asks defensively.

“This!” I turn around and lift my shirt, showing him the discoloration on my skin.

“Yeah? So? Does it hurt? I’m sorry,” he says, seeming worried.

“It doesn’t hurt, my fucking family saw and I had to tell my mom that it was from sex!”

“Oh, fuck. That must have been... awkward?”

I sigh and go over to him, plopping on the couch and snuggling into his side.

“It was so fucking awkward. She thought you were abusing me and so I finally had to fess up to it.”

“What the hell? I would never hurt you!”

“I know I know, she was just being overprotective since I’m her baby.”

“Well, I can be more careful about leaving marks on you during sex.”

“Hey, I never said that’s what I wanted!”

“But-“

“Yeah I know, I had a weird conversation with my mom. That doesn’t change the fact that I like it when you leave me reminders of our... time together.”

That makes him laugh.

“I think it’s hot too,” he murmurs, leaning close to my lips.

“You have to tell the next person who asks about it, that’s officially your job,” I joke.

“We’ll see about that,” he chuckles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 836 words :)


	28. Coworker (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: abuse, vomiting, homophobia, blood, hospitals

“Come on Vic, wake up you little piece of shit,” a rough voice says. I can feel something nudging my stomach. “Don’t you have school or work or some shit?”

I lift my heavy eyelids and immediately feel nauseous and achy and awful. I’m on the floor in the living room, surrounded by beer cans, and my mom is waking me up with her foot. 

“I’m up,” I mumble, sitting up and squeezing my eyes shut to stop the room from spinning.

I stumble to the bathroom and puke my guts up, which isn’t surprising considering how much I drank last night. I peel my clothes off and look in the mirror, taking in the damage. Black eye, bruised cheek, split lip, fucked up ribs. My side is blossoming into a multicolored bruise and I’m really hoping the ribs aren’t broken. My reflection makes me nauseous so I get in the shower and clean up really quick. Since I’m not sure what time it is and I do have to work this morning, as my mom so kindly reminded me, I don’t waste any time enjoying the warm water before I get out.

About five minutes later I’ve gotten dressed and ignored my stomach, which is growling for breakfast, and I’m out the door. I walk to work letting the cool morning breeze wake me up. My ribs ache with every step but I know there’s nothing to be done for them so I just try to focus on other stuff.

I arrive to find my coworker, Kellin, sitting outside smoking before we have to open the pizzeria.

“Woah, you look like shit,” he says.

“Gee thanks,” I chuckle, sitting down and accepting a cigarette from him.

“What happened to your face this time?”

I sigh.

“Doesn’t matter, I’m fine.”

“Yeah sure, have you eaten anything this morning?”

Somehow Kellin always knows what I need. He doesn’t pry, makes me eat, and seems genuinely concerned with my wellbeing which is more than I can say for anyone else. Even I don’t care much about me.

“No, I didn’t eat. I’m hungover.”

“Come on, you can have some pizza, it’ll perk you up.”

I nod and let him take me in the shop to fuss over me.

~  
“Vic, wake the fuck up!” My mom screams from another room.

I shoot up and my stomach lurches. I definitely shouldn’t have drank again last night. Well, to be fair I should never drink since I’m underage, but I can’t resist the urge to numb some of the pain and it’s not like my mom cares enough to stop me.

“Who the fuck is Tony?”

My brain is racing, trying to figure out what she’s talking about.

“Who?”

She waves my phone in my face and I see a string of texts from my ex boyfriend, Tony. My mom doesn’t know I’m gay but those texts are incriminating as hell, so I guess she just found out.

“Why do you have my phone?” I ask, trying to grab it from her.

“I will not have a little piece of shit faggot living under my roof!” She screams, kicking my already bruised ribs. 

I stand up, trying to save my torso, but she goes after my face. Her fist swings catching my eye and nose, causing a sickening crunch. The blood rushes from my nostrils but she doesn’t stop, throwing another punch that connects with my jaw. 

I’m so hungover that I’m nauseous and my ribs hurt and I don’t know how much more I can take. Good thing my mom decides for me. She grabs me by the collar and drags me to the front door, throwing me out and letting me tumble down the front steps. She chucks my phone into the yard too.

“Don’t come back here unless you’re straight you fucking failure!”

With that she slams the door.

My whole body hurts, the blood is still rushing from my busted nose, and I’m about to throw up. I drag myself off the ground and lean over some bushes, violently puking into them. It’s hard to tell because of the blood dripping from my face, but I think I just vomited blood.

“Fuck,” I groan.

I stumble to the grass and locate my phone before beginning my walk to work. I was supposed to be there awhile ago but I think given my circumstances Kellin with forgive me.

It takes way longer to reach the pizzeria than it usually does, but I’m having trouble catching my breath.

I let myself in the back door where I immediately run into Kellin. He’s making a pizza but his eyes shoot up, widening when he sees me. I brush past him and go to the bathroom, not bothering to close the door behind me. I run a paper towel under the faucet and try to clean my face up.

“Holy fuck, Vic are you okay?”

“I- I don’t... I don’t know.” I stutter, my emotions suddenly hitting me. Tears start dripping down my face but I wipe them away quickly.

“Vic look at me,” Kellin says, taking my shoulder and making me turn around. “Who did this?”

“N-no one.”

“Bullshit, tell me. Please? I just want to help you.”

“My mom-“ I admit, sobbing. “She stole my phone this morning a-and found out I’m gay.”

Kellin looks shocked and pissed.

“I figured it was some kids at school roughing you up, is it always your mom?”

I nod and wipe away some more tears.

“Fuck,” he sighs. “Here, let me help you.”

He gets a few more paper towels and gently dabs the mess from my face, then he finds an old first aid kit and cleans everything better before bandaging what he can.

“Wait here,” he orders me, leaving the shop.

I sit on the counter, resting my head on the wall because suddenly I’m so tired I’m not sure I can stay awake.

“Hey, hey!” Kellin snaps, scaring me. “You’re really hurt, you shouldn’t sleep right now. Do you think you have a concussion?” 

He’s holding a backpack and starts handing me clothes out of it. I look down and see that my own are stained and gross.

“No, I’ve had a concussion before. My head is fine.” I say quietly.

He nods once.

“Change into those,” he points at the outfit he gave me, “then you can nap on the couch in the break room.”

“Okay, thanks.”

He leaves and I strip off my shirt. The pain of putting my arms above my head and stretching my ribs makes me nauseous and I barely make it to the toilet before I throw up again. My stomach was basically empty, but I was right, there’s a fair amount of blood staining the porcelain bowl.

I didn’t even hear the door open but Kellin is crouched down beside me.

“Shit shit, shit shit shit! Vic is that blood? Did you just puke up blood?” His eyes drop to my bruised torso and widen.

“I’m- I don’t- feel very-“ I stammer before everything goes black.

~

When I wake up I’m obviously in a hospital room. Everything is white and sterile looking and a heart monitor is beeping beside my head.

“Hey, Vic? How do you feel?” Someone asks me. I let my eyes adjust to the bright room and see Kellin in a chair beside my bed.

“Sore,” I croak.

“Yeah, they can’t give you any more pain meds.”

I just nod.

“Do you remember what happened?” He asks.

“Yeah, I passed out.”

“You threw up a scary amount of blood and then passed out, so I called an ambulance. They thought one of your ribs might’ve punctured a lung but it didn’t. I guess it was internal bleeding but they think it stopped now.”

“What did you tell them happened?”

He looks at his hands nervously.

“I told them that someone at school was beating you up but that I didn’t know who it was.”

I feel relieved that he lied for me, but also bad that I put him in that position.

“Thanks.”

He nods sadly.

“I can’t let you go home,” he says.

“Well I can’t go home, my mom kinda kicked me out...literally.”

“You can stay with me. I still live at home but I’ve got the whole basement to myself, you can crash there too.”

“That would be really great. Thanks.”

“No problem... I-“ he starts to say something and then cuts himself off.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Tell me.”

“I just really... like you... Vic. I can’t stand to see you ever get hurt like this again.”

“You like me?” I ask, feeling confused at the statement.

“Yeah, I really like you. More than a friend.”

I remember that I told him about my sexuality.

“I like you too, a lot, but I’m a mess Kell. You don’t wanna start something between us.”

He smiles when I say I like him.

“Obviously I know what I’m getting myself into. We don’t have to talk about this right now, but I just wanted you to know. When you’re healed up maybe we could go out.”

I really like the idea of dating Kellin, and having something like that to look forward to will be nice during my recovery.

“Yeah, I think we should.” I agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1556 words :)


	29. Consent (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: None, just smut

~Kellin pov~  
Vic’s lips are pressed against mine firmly, moving at the perfect pace. His tongue is gliding around my mouth, brushing my own every once in awhile, performing an erotic dance. One of his hands tugs at my hair while the other rests on my thigh, easing upwards.

“Oh my fucking god, you guys have to take that upstairs,” Mike groans, throwing a pillow at us.

We separate and I look around, noticing that a couple of our friends seem uncomfortable. Oops.

I just can’t control myself around Vic and we were supposed to be watching some lame movie, so the obvious answer was to entertain myself with a little make out session. I must’ve gotten carried away.

“Sorry, we’ll leave,” I squeak, standing up and pulling on Vic’s hand.

“Wait, I just wanted you to stop,” Mike says.

“But now I’m horny, so we’ll be upstairs if you need us.”

“Ew,” Jaime says with a laugh.

I flip him off and pull my blushing boyfriend up the stairs behind me.

“We didn’t really have to leave, now they’re all downstairs knowing that we’re about to screw,” Vic whines, his face red from embarrassment.

“So? They don’t know anything for sure.”

I push the door to Vic’s room shut behind us and go over to the bed, falling on my back into the soft mattress. Vic comes overs and lays on top of me holding his weight on his arms as we connect our lips again. 

We kiss and slowly strip off our clothes, Vic grinding down on me when both of our dicks are free. 

“Mmmm,” I moan.

He presses open sloppy kisses all over my torso, playfully licking my nipples and biting one. He leaves a couple hickeys on my neck before traveling back down to my dick and grasping it. He pumps me firmly a few times, paying attention to my head and coaxing a soft groan from my lips.

“Let me suck you,” I say, getting off the bed and kneeling on the floor.

His cock is bobbing right in front of my mouth, almost teasing me with how big and tempting it is. I lick a little drop of clear liquid from the tip before I take him in my mouth. According to Vic I give great head even though I never know what I’m doing. I swirl my tongue around and let plenty of saliva coat his thick length, all while stroking the part of him I can’t reach. I play with his tip and gradually taste more precum oozing from him.

“Okay, come here,” he says, helping me back onto the bed.

He finds a little bottle of lube in the drawer of his bedside table and squirts some on his fingers. I spread my legs and suddenly feel embarrassed. I don’t know why because we’ve done this plenty of times before, but I don’t feel sexy anymore. He presses a finger into my ass and I almost cringe at the feeling. I can’t help but think about the fact that our friends are downstairs, even though that didn’t bother me a few minutes ago. They could hear me moaning or whining and that would be so embarrassing. Vic wiggles his finger around and begins fucking it in and out of me, preparing to add another. I usually love this part but right now I feel too exposed, I would rather hide under a blanket than be intimate with someone. There’s a little part of me that’s telling me I should just suck it up and help Vic get off. I mean, sure my dick is basically soft by now from my sudden mood change, but Vic is still ready to go. He adds a second finger and begins scissoring them, stretching me for his penis.

“Wait,” I breathe, reaching down and putting a hand on his to make him stop.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

“No, no you didn’t do anything wrong, I just really want to stop.”

I almost can’t make eye contact with him for fear he’ll look disappointed, but when I glance at him he doesn’t at all. He gives me a little smile instead.

“Just not in the mood anymore?”

I shrug, sitting up.

“I guess not. I’d really rather cuddle.”

“Okay, we can do that instead,” he says.

I’ve never done this before and I’m surprised by how chill he is. I’m eternally grateful that he isn’t pressuring me to keep going or making me feel guilty.

He looks around on the floor, handing me my clothes and slipping his back on. He’s still shirtless when he climbs in bed but I’m fully dressed. I was just wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, so I’ll still be comfortable, plus I really need the feeling of innocent cuddling right now. I feel like that kinda goes out the window when there’s a lot of skin contact.

I crawl under the blankets with him and curl into his side. He wraps one arm protectively around me and plays with my fingers using the other hand. We’ve only been laying together for a couple minutes before I realize that he’s still completely erect. I mean, I sucked him off... I must be the biggest tease in the entire world.

“Let me get you off,” I say, beginning to sit up.

“Lay down Kellin, I know you aren’t in the mood and it’s gonna go away on its own.”

“I feel like an asshole for leaving you hanging.”

“Don’t worry about it babe, worst case scenario is me jerking off in the bathroom, I’m not gonna die just because you changed your mind.”

I think it over and decide to stop arguing. I don’t really want to suck him or anything right now, so I let it go.

“Thanks for being so sweet,” I mumble, feeling my eyes getting heavy with sleep.

“You don’t need to thank me, consent is more important than anything. Giving someone a hard time for not wanting to do something is sexual abuse. I would never do that to you.”

I don’t reply because I’m too sleepy, but he’s right. Consent is simple and I’m experiencing how important it is right now. Instead of suffering through sex that I didn’t really want, I get to be comfortable. That’s how it should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1062 words :)


	30. Gay Sensei (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: none :)

~kellin pov~  
“Hey Kellin, would you take this bag out to the table in the entryway?” My boss, Andy, asks.

“Sure.”

I take the bag of books and go out to our table of reserves. Since we don’t really have enough employees in our small town library to have a real curbside pickup, this is the best we can do. People email us book lists and we grab them off the shelf, put them in bags, and leave them on a table to be picked up.

As I’m shifting stuff around to make room on the table I can’t help but notice the last name written on a different bag... Fuentes.

I glance around to see if anyone is watching me. They’re not.

We have a lot of privacy rules at the library, that’s why these books all have to be in bags so that patrons can’t see what other people requested...but I’m an employee. I could have very well been the one that gathered Vic’s books for him, the problem is... I wasn’t.

Do I take a quick peek and see what books my crush requested? Or do I leave it alone? My curiosity is killing me so I quickly loosen the drawstring on the bag and glance inside. I honestly expected it to be something boring for school or maybe even books he was just picking up for someone else, but what I find is much more intriguing.

Right on top is a book called “Queer: The Ultimate LGBTQ+ Guide for Teens.” Underneath it are three romance books...three gay romance books.

I close the bag up tight and try to stop blushing. I never knew if Vic was just friendly to me in a platonic way or if he’s gay but I guess I have my answer now.

Shit. I feel guilty for snooping. I didn’t think I’d find anything!

I go about the rest of my day pondering what I saw. Is he getting those books to learn more about his identity or is he just questioning it? Is he gonna decide he isn’t gay?

A couple days later he comes back in and puts the four (gay) books in the return slot. He looks a little down, so I smile at him and we say hi. He goes upstairs and I check in his books.

I kinda forget he’s here until I go upstairs to pull a few reserves. He’s sitting in the teen section on the floor, flipping through a book. I go over and sit next to him. He looks up and smiles.

“Hey,” he says, looking back down at the paperback he’s holding. 

“Hey.”

We sit for a little while before I decide to speak up.

“You returned your books awfully fast... not into the gay romances?”

His eyes shoot up to look at me and his cheeks are tinting red.

“H-how did you know?”

“When I checked them in the system told me who they were out to.”

He nods and ducks his head down, obviously embarrassed.

“I actually inhaled them,” he says, not making eye contact with me. “I was thinking about getting a few more.”

As much as he doesn’t seem excited by this, I definitely am. My crush is actually gay!

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, I’m gay too.”

He nods slowly.

“I’m not really embarrassed, this is all just really new to me.”

“Ohh, gotcha.”

“And I think I’m going to come out soon.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, now that I know it just- it just really fucking sucks to hide it. Like I want to explore this part of me but I can’t say any shit that could give it away to my family.”

“Will they be cool about it?”

He cringes a little and shrugs.

“I don’t know. I was thinking about just telling them I’m bi.”

“Are you bi?”

“No, I’m gay.”

“You probably shouldn’t do that then. Just tell them the truth. You deserve to be yourself.”

He nods and then gives me a small smile.

“Thanks, I think I needed to hear that.”

“No problem. Can I give you my number? I can be like your gay sensei or something!”

“Um yeah, here,” he says with a chuckle, pulling his phone out of his pocket and handing it to me.

I quickly enter my name and number into a new contact and save it before handing his phone back to him.

“Have you read anything by Becky Albertalli?” I ask, standing up and grabbing “Simon Vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda” off the shelf.

He shakes his head and I hand it to him.

“Thanks.”

“No problem, I hope you like it.”

“Can I actually text you if I have...questions? Or anything?”

“For sure, don’t be shy,” I chirp.

“Cool, well I’d better get home, I have some reading to do.”

“Yeah, I should get to work before Andy fires me.”

He laughs and I do an awkward little wave in his direction before wandering back into the stacks. I can’t even remember what I came up here to look for, but I think I ended up finding something way better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 860 words :)


	31. Safety Pin (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Self harm, depression.

~Awsten pov~  
I’m gonna have to do it. I know that Geoff will be disappointed and I know that I’ll be disappointed, but I can’t resist it any longer.

Nothing bad has really happened today. I went to school and then I worked for awhile but when I got home I started feeling so tired and sad and lonely. I know I should call my boyfriend and tell him that I’m having urges to self harm, but I want to do it and I know that he’ll talk me down.

I’ve thrown away all of my blades, but that’s not the only thing I can hurt myself with. It doesn’t take much searching to come up with a safety pin. I sit on my bed and hold out my wrist before deciding that I should at least try to hide my relapse. I pull down the side of my boxers and glare at the scars crisscrossing my hip.

I know that I shouldn’t do it. Once the moment has passed I’m going to regret it, but even with that knowledge I can’t stop myself from firmly dragging the needle in a line across my skin. It doesn’t immediately break the surface, but I dig it deeper and deeper until blood bubbles out of the small cut. I make another and another, completely ignoring the fact I should stop. After I make the tenth line, each one getting more irritated and the blood dripping from them in a thick river, I make myself stop. My whole hip aches but I feel a familiar release from the activity, some of the sadness lifts off my chest and my mind isn’t racing so bad.

I get up and go to the bathroom, discarding my clothes and getting in the shower. The water washes away the red liquid seeping from the wounds and it stings when I rub soap on them.

When I’m cleaned off I lay on my bed, still naked, with a washcloth pressed to my cuts, slowing the bleeding. I don’t feel quite as good. I think the euphoria is wearing off and now all the depression and anxiety are hitting me along with the shame I knew I would feel. Fuck.

I eventually get some sleep even though I can only lay on one side because every time I roll onto my cuts it wakes me up. When I finally get up in the morning and take a look at them the skin is swollen and red from the abuse I put it through last night. All of them have stopped bleeding and they don’t look infected or anything, so I’m happy. I don’t bandage them, I just put on a fresh pair of underwear to protect them and go about my day.

I get dressed cause I’m meeting my boyfriend, Geoff, and a few other friends at a pumpkin patch this afternoon. I don’t really feel like eating but I force myself to have a sandwich before I leave the house.

When I pull up to the cute little farm I immediately spot Geoff’s car and I park right beside it. He’s still inside and he looks over at me and grins. I pocket my phone and keys before getting out.

“Hey baby,” Geoff chirps, meeting me partway between our cars and pulling me into a hug. We share a short kiss before going up to buy tickets.

We wander around and eventually meet our friends. Everyone jokes around and we go through the corn maze, struggling to find our way out and eventually using the map.

“I want apple donuts!” Jawn yells, running toward the little store where they sell baked goods and hot drinks.

We all laugh at him and go up to the building, sitting on a couple of benches while he goes inside for food.

I can’t help it when I start yawning, kinda wishing I had stopped off for a coffee before coming here. After my fourth yawn Geoff takes my hand in his and squeezes it.

“Did you have trouble sleeping last night?” He asks sweetly.

I see a quick mental image of me sitting in my bed late at night, mutilating my skin.

I clear my throat a little.

“No, I um, I slept fine.”

My boyfriend gives me a skeptical look but Jawn emerges from the doorway of the store holding a box of fresh apple donuts. They smell so fucking good that we all stand up to steal some from him. 

“Hey! You guys are eating all of my snack!” He whines, running after Otto who definitely took more than his fair share.

I take two and bite into one, glancing over at Geoff.

“I hope one of those is for your dearest boyfriend,” he teases.

I shake my head and take a bite out of the other one, marking my territory.

“Hey!”

I crack up and take off, running away from him playfully, trying to keep him from eating my donuts.

“Come back here!”

I dodge around some people and end up cornering myself between a barn and a fence. I start slowing down and I can hear Geoff’s footsteps closing in on me quickly. He comes up behind me and surprisingly grabs my hips pulling me into his grip. This all would have been fine and playful except for the fact that my damaged skin is extremely tender.

“Ow! Fuck!” I squeal. 

Geoff laughs and lets me go, plucking a donut from my fingers. I try to hide the pain I’m in but my eyes fill with tears without my permission. I bend over a little and press my palm against the wounds trying to get some relief from the aching pain.

“Hey, what’s wrong? I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Geoff says quickly, his face falling into a frown.

I try to force a laugh.

“I-I’m fine.”

“No, you’re crying, what happened? I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, it’s my fault,” I sigh, looking at him with pleading eyes, wanting him to understand what’s going on.

He looks a little confused and then a sad realization dawns on him.

“Did you cut?”

I nod sheepishly.

“Fuck, are you okay? I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay, I’m fine.”

I straighten up and take a deep breath as the pain ebbs away.

Geoff holds out his arms and I walk into them, hiding my face in his neck.

“I’m sorry I fucked up,” I mumble.

“Don’t stress yourself out, what’s done is done. Why didn’t you call? Weren’t you like, nearly a month clean?”

“Yeah I just- I just hate seeing the scars fade.”

“Why? Don’t you want to be done with all of that?”

“It’s been a part of me for a really long time, it’s hard to let go.”

“Okay, that makes sense but it’s still really dangerous. You need to let me know when you’re triggered. You may want the scars but I hate seeing my boyfriend in pain.”

I leave his arms and give him a sad smile.

“I’ll try harder.”

“That’s all I’m asking. Now, how about we go buy more of those donuts?”

I grin at him and nod, taking his hand in mine and leaning my head on his shoulder.

It’s moments like these that I can’t even believe I have depression. Everything feels right and good. So it’s moments like these that I need to hang onto during the dark times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1242 words :)


	32. Opening Up (Gawsten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, discussion about self harm.

~Awsten pov~  
The anxiety has gotten really bad. It used to be manageable but now it plagues me every day. I try to ignore it but when I feel like shit all the time it’s a little hard to keep my mind from dwelling.

I walk into school and go straight to my locker, trying to keep my hands in my pockets so that no one can see they’re shaking. I open my locker and take deep breaths.

Nothing is going on that should cause me anxiety, it’s just there.

“Hey Aws,” A voice says behind me.

I turn to find my friend, Otto.

“Hey.”

“Are you okay?” He asks, looking a little concerned.

My friends know that I get jittery for things like public speaking, or class trips, but they don’t have any idea how tortured I’ve been lately. The never-ending mental pain has actually made me slightly suicidal. I would never admit to it or attempt, but that’s the truth.

“Yep, gotta get to class,” I say abruptly. 

I become a bitch when I’m anxious. My anxiety absolutely destroys my appetite so I haven’t eaten properly for days and it makes everything worse.

I stalk off to class, absentmindedly digging my fingernails into my palms. I have multiple coping mechanisms like this because pain distracts me from my feelings.

My anxiety eases as the day goes on and by lunchtime I feel okay. I find my friends at our usual table and I join them. I’m still not very hungry but I’m gonna make myself eat a little so I don’t pass out.

I sit beside Geoff and start nibbling my sandwich while Jawn tells some crazy story. Since I wasn’t here for the beginning I’m not sure what he’s talking about and before long I zone out.

“What happened to your hand?” Geoff asks quietly.

I glance at it and notice that there are a couple wounds from my nails with dried blood. During a panic attack I’m never sure how hard I’m digging them in and it’s not uncommon for me to break skin.

“I-I don’t know.” I stutter, catching everyone else’s attention at our table.

“What do you mean you don’t know? Your hand was bleeding.”

I just ignore him and look at my food again. After my attack this morning I feel numb.

All the others start talking again but I can feel Geoff watching me. He’s trying to be subtle but you can sense when someone is paying very close attention to your actions.

The bell rings and I stand up. Little black spots dance in my vision because I’ve barely eaten for three days and I didn’t manage to get much lunch down.

The spots clear and I glance around, checking that no one noticed my pause. Geoff did. I brush it off and leave for my next class.

I know I should probably tell my friends that I’m struggling, but I’m so scared they’re gonna treat me like...like I’m crazy or fragile or different. It would be great to have support but I just can’t do it.

The rest of my day is normal and before I know it I’m at home, laying in my bed and playing on tumblr. 

I get a text and it’s from Geoff.

Geoff: You seemed really off today. Everything good?

Besides the fact I currently wanted to end my life?

Awsten: Yeah

Geoff: Wow, great argument. Can I come over?

Awsten: Sure

I know that he’s going to drag the truth out of me, but I really need some comfort right now. You give a little you get a little.

It’s not too long before someone taps on my door and Geoff comes in. He was obviously hanging out at home tonight because he’s in sweatpants.

“Hey.” I greet him.

“Hi,” he replies as he takes a seat on my bed. We’re facing each other and he’s acting like I’m an animal he could spook.

We sit for a minute and I notice how soft his hair looks and how cute the little wrinkles on his forehead are. I think it’s his worried expression, but I still find it charming.

“Will you please tell me what’s going on?” He asks sadly, his big, blue eyes finally making contact with mine.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just little things that we’ve all noticed are off with you. You’re usually like, energetic and flirty, and lately you’re so quiet. And...don’t take this the wrong way... but you look like shit.”

I can’t help the bitter laugh that escapes my mouth.

“I know I look like shit, Geoff. I look like shit cause I feel like shit.”

“Why?” He asks timidly.

“I-I’ve been like... it’s not serious but I...”

I know I should spit it out but something is stopping me. All of my fears about people treating me differently and not wanting to be my friend anymore are literally choking me. I don’t want to tell him but I push myself because I need someone to know what’s going on.

“My anxiety has gotten worse lately,” I finally admit with a sigh.

“Like... a lot worse?”

I nod, focusing on my hands in my lap because I’m gonna cry if I see the sympathetic expression on my friend’s face.

“Shit,” he mumbles.

He doesn’t seem uncomfortable talking about it, or at least he doesn’t seem like he’s about to run away from me while screaming, so I lay down, resting my head in his lap.

“I have panic attacks almost every single day and they’re so fucking intense and uncomfortable that I don’t even know what to do anymore.”

He strokes my hair which feels very nice and soothing.

“I’m so sorry, why didn’t you tell us? You know everyone’s gonna understand.”

“I don’t know,” I sigh, “I don’t want anyone to worry about me.”

“Should we be worried? Are you on medication or anything to help it?”

“My mom put me on some natural shit but it isn’t working.”

His fingers brush across my scalp and I could moan from the sensation.

“Maybe it’s time to take this more seriously.”

“I know it is but I’m so scared to deal with the side effects of meds. I guess nothing is gonna be worse than what I’m going through right now though,” I mutter.

“What do you mean?”

“The panic attacks are one thing, they’re awful, but it’s nights like this that are the worst.”

“Why?” 

Shit. I can’t admit how I’m feeling.

“Nothing. No reason.”

He gives me a look that says I shouldn’t lie to him but I refuse to go on.

He’s quiet for a minute and then asks me something that I was definitely not expecting.

“You don’t cut, do you?”

“Like self harm?” 

He nods.

“No.” I reply truthfully.

“What about your hands? Earlier?”

“Oh, that was an accident. It’s kind of a subconscious coping mechanism to dig my fingernails into my palms like that,” I say, nearly cringing at how fucked up that is.

He nods.

“When you said nights like this you meant nights that you’re overwhelmed and suicidal, didn’t you?”

I feel the tears rush to my eyes. How did he know?

I nod quickly and wipe the tears off my cheeks. I didn’t plan on telling him everything all at once but it starts spilling out of me before I can filter it.

“I-it’s just t-too much! I’m tired of c-constantly feeling sick and cancelling plans and never being excited. I can’t r-remember the last time I was genuinely excited about something Geoff, it’s always anxiety. I’m so tired of feeling like shit that sometimes I wonder how I’m gonna make it stop. I don’t want to die I just want it to stop.” I sob.

Geoff’s fingers have gone still in my hair and I can feel his gaze on me, I think he might be able to see my soul.

“That’s scary, I can’t believe you’ve been going through this all alone. Have you been talking to anyone?”

“I um, I have a therapist but I-I don’t want to upset her, so I kinda water it down,” I admit with a sniffle.

“It’s literally her job to worry, Aws, I think you need to open up to her.”

I sit up and try to clean my face with my shirt sleeve. I’m still hiccuping a little but my voice is steady and my mind feels clearer than it has in weeks.

“I know you’re right, it’s just scary.”

His eyes soften, if that’s even possible because he was already looking at me with a sickly sweet expression.

“It’s gonna be a lot less scary if you let some people help you. Or hell, if you just let people know what’s going on, they don’t even have to help. Anything that you’re not sharing is getting bottled up and that’s unhealthy.”

I sigh and consider what he’s saying. It’s one of those times that you know what you need to do and yet every fiber of your being is screaming not to.

“I-I‘ll try...”

He leans forward and gathers me up in a firm hug.

“I believe in you. You deserve to get help so you can feel better.”

My eyes sting again but I swallow the lump in my throat and hug him back.

He’s right. I don’t deserve this shit. I deserve to be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1581 words :)


	33. Red (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: none

~Vic pov~  
I step back and take a moment to admire the scene before me. My beautiful husband is completely naked on our bed, his arms are pulled tight above his head and his wrists are securely tied to the headboard with a length of rope. Although I can’t see it, I know that his ass is bright red from the spanking he just took and his lips are still swollen from letting me fuck his mouth. His legs are forced apart with a spreader bar and I can’t stop looking at all of his gorgeous, pale skin that’s glimmering with sweat.

“What do you think I should do next, baby?”

“P-please,” he whimpers.

“Please what?”

“Please touch me.”

I haven’t touched his throbbing dick this entire time, trying to make him cum without stimulating it at all.

“I don’t know, do you think you deserve it?”

He nods frantically, whining and wiggling around.

“Color,” I say, prompting him to use the traffic light system to tell me how he’s doing.

“Green,” he says quietly.

I crawl onto the bed and grab the spreader bar, pushing his legs up so that I have access to his hole.

“I think I’ll just fuck you instead. You know daddy loves it when you cum untouched.”

My cock is still slick from Kellin’s saliva so I don’t bother finding lube before I position myself and fuck into him hard. He’s deliciously tight around me and I waste no time before I roughly buck my hips. I use as much force as I can muster when I slam into him, changing angles and searching for his prostate. I don’t have time to find it before he cries out.

“Red, red! Fuck, stop!” He begs.

I’m shocked because it’s rare that I’m too rough on him, but I immediately stop and pull out.

“Are you okay?” I ask, letting his legs rest on the bed.

“Y-yeah, please just-please untie me.”

“Okay, one minute alright? I’m gonna take care of everything.”

He nods and my heart breaks when a tear slips down his cheek.

I quickly release the buckles from his ankles, tossing the spreader on the floor before I go up to his wrists. I used a fairly simple knot so it only takes me a few minutes to release his wrists from the bed and free him from the rope. I help him sit up and he immediately holds his wrists to his chest, rubbing the fiery red skin.

“Are you okay?” I ask gently.

“Y-yeah, I’m so sorry Vic, the rope was bothering my-“

“Hey,” I interrupt, “you don’t have to explain anything. I’m glad you spoke up, do you understand? I’m not upset.”

He blushes and nods.

“Can I get you off?” I ask, noticing that his dick is still painfully erect.

“Please,” he whimpers, sounding relieved.

I push on his chest, making him lay down before I crawl over him and connect our lips. I lovingly make out with him, swiping my tongue over his and pressing soft kisses to his irritated lips. Before long I travel down his jaw and neck, not leaving any hickeys before I take his tender wrists in my hands, feeling guilty when I see that they’re both rubbed raw in a couple spots. I’ll have to take care of that when I’m done here. Leaving some butterfly kisses on the wounds and looking up at him with apologetic eyes I finally make my way to his member. 

“Oh fuck,” Kellin whimpers, wiggling around as I take him in my hand.

“Does it feel good?”

“S-so good,” he stutters, a fluttery sigh escaping his lips.

I jack him off a few times, being sure to squeeze his tip when I can which makes him moan every time. I clasp our hands together and thread my fingers through his as I take him in my mouth. He’s unbelievably hard and already pulsing on my tongue so I imagine this isn’t going to last very long.

“Oh my god, yes Vic, yes yes yes,” he mutters, moving his hips to make me work faster.

I let my jaw go slack and take him down my throat, massaging him with my tongue and swallowing around him. I can taste precum so I speed up and bob quickly up and down his length, sucking hard on his tip and then deep throating him.

“I-oh god-I’m gonna cum,” he moans, bucking his hips.

I squeeze his hands and focus on sucking him as hard and fast as I can. One second later he lets out a sound that is somewhere between a shriek and a moan and he shoots an impressive amount of cum into my mouth. I swallow it all and continue licking him until I’m sure he’s done.

I lean over him and connect our lips, trying to ignore the throbbing coming from my own groin. 

“Thank you honey, that was amazing,” Kellin murmurs against my mouth. 

“No problem, you know I love pleasuring you.”

He blushes and sits up, his eyes landing on my dick. He looks up at me and gives me a playful grin before he takes my penis in his hand. His palm is soft and he squeezes me in all the right places, causing my breathing to deepen. I take his hair in my fingers and pull him close, making out with him as he jacks me off. I can hardly focus on the pleasure coming from my dick and how sensual it feels to have my husband’s tongue in my mouth, everything mounting quickly and causing an overwhelming sensation.

“Mmm, Kells, I’m close,” I groan, quickening my lips.

He hums and pays special attention to my slit, running his thumb over it repeatedly. I pull away from our kiss and hide my face in his shoulder, groaning as I shoot sperm all over our thighs and my stomach. I rest my head until I’ve caught my breath and then I leave some little kisses on Kellin’s neck before I pull away from him.

“Ready for a bath and I’ll bandage your wrists?”

He nods, seeming a little shy.

We go to the bathroom and I run a nice hot bath, being sure to add some lavender bath salts.

“Do you want to get in alone?” I ask, not wanting to overstep any boundaries if he’d like to do this on his own.

“No, you can get in with me.”

“Okay.”

I crawl in first and get comfortable and then he sits in between my legs, resting his back on my chest. We soak together and I gently wash his hair for him, massaging his scalp and enjoying the soft sighs that leave his lips.

“I know you’re embarrassed but I’m really proud of you,” I say after awhile. The water is beginning to cool off but Kellin wanted to stay in a little bit longer.

“I’m not embarrassed really, cause I trust you, I’m just disappointed in myself. I know you were going to make me feel good eventually.”

“Don’t be disappointed, you did the right thing. I’m sorry I put you in a position that you weren’t getting any pleasure.”

“It’s okay.”

When we finally leave the lukewarm tub I help dry Kellin off with a fluffy towel before I get out the hair dryer.

“What are you doing?” He asks as I click it on and begin drying his damp hair.

“I’m drying your hair.”

“But... why?”

“Because I’m going to spoil you for a little bit and my baby shouldn’t have cold, wet hair for the rest of the night.”

I look at the mirror over the sink and catch a light blush covering Kellin’s face at my words.

When I’m satisfied with his hair we both put on boxers and I give my husband one of my t-shirts to sleep in. I know he likes the way my clothes smell but he’s usually too shy to ask if he can wear them or take them without asking.

“Come on, I’ll take care of your wrists.”

He nods and we go back to the bathroom. He hoists himself up on the counter while I get out the little basket under the sink that serves as our first aid kit.

I gently inspect his skin and see that each wrist is irritated all the way around and they both have a couple spots that are completely missing skin. I click my tongue and get some ointment, squeezing it on my fingers and softly spreading it over my husband’s wounds. When I’m done I wrap bandages around the areas and use a safety pin to keep them closed snugly.

“Okay, are you hurt or sore anywhere else?” I ask him seriously.

“No, I’m okay.”

“What about your bottom? Did you want me to use some lotion or-“

“Viccy, no,” he whines, hiding his face in his hands. 

His embarrassment causes me to chuckle. He’s so goddamn cute.

“Okay okay, I just wanted to be sure. Are you ready for bed?”

He nods and jumps down from the counter.

We change the sheets on our bed and after Kellin crawls in I throw a fluffy blanket on top of him.

“All cozy?” I ask him.

“I’ll be cozier when you’re in here with me.”

I smile and join him, pressing my chest to his back and tangling our legs together.

“I love you,” he says softly, his voice laced with exhaustion.

“I love you too.” I reply with a kiss against the back of his neck.

He shuffles even closer to me and I listen to his breathing even out. He doesn’t realize that this is what I live for. Sex is fun and I do enjoy bdsm, but taking care of my husband and holding him while he sleeps is what truly brings me peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1651 words :)


	34. Grinch (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: depression, vomiting.  
> AN: don’t forget to leave a kudos :)

~kellin pov~  
It’s the worst time of the year.

Nobody really knows this about me but I fucking hate Christmas. As a rule I don’t decorate and I sure as hell don’t celebrate. The only problem is that everyone else does. For the entire months of November and December I am bombarded with lights, green and red everything, and all other varieties of cheer.

I grit my teeth as another person bumps into while I’m trying to grocery shop. Why the hell are stores so busy? Everyone does their Christmas shopping online now and yet it seems that the stores are always packed. When I finally get all of my items I rush to the self checkout and then leave the store, breathing a sigh of relief. The weather is beautiful and I feel like I can breathe out here.

I hear my phone go off as I get in my car so I dig it out of my pocket and open the message from my boyfriend. Just seeing his name on my phone makes me smile.

Vic: I’m so excited to see you tonight :)

Kellin: Me too! I’m gonna blow your mind with my mac and cheese :p

Vic: Can’t wait!

I sigh dreamily and lean back onto the headrest. Vic and I have been dating for a few months now and things are going really well. We hang out all the time, we like doing all the same things, and his family is really nice. Not to mention how good he is in bed...

When I’m done swooning over my boyfriend I finish up my errands and go home.

It doesn’t take long to unload my grocery bags and put together the macaroni and cheese for dinner. Once it’s in the oven I take my prescription from the pharmacy and shake the bottle from the bag. I scowl at the label before I take it to my medicine cabinet in the bathroom and put it away. I’ve been taking a new medication for my depression but it makes me tired so I think I’m gonna stop. I’m not fully convinced that I get depressed, but my doctor said that I should try some medicine for awhile and see how I felt. Well I tried and I feel like shit.

I hear a knock at my door so I stop torturing myself with decisions about my mental health and I go to let my boyfriend inside.

“Hey baby,” he says with a smile as I open the door.

“Hi,” I giggle, stepping forward to kiss him. 

He rests his hands on my hips and pulls me toward him as I deepen the kiss. I know that everyone hates it when couples are newly intimate and they can’t keep their hands off each other, but god... I can’t keep my hands off Vic. I tangle my fingers in his hair and pull him inside as his tongue roams around my mouth. He shuts the door with his foot and moves his hands to my ass, giving it a playful squeeze that nearly makes me moan. He knows how sensitive I am there. I roll my hips forward against his and that finally makes us break our kiss.

“We’ve gotta stop,” he whispers, sounding out of breath.

I nod and step away from him, taking his hand in mine and lacing our fingers together.

I lead him to the kitchen and leave him by the island while I check the food.

“God, it smells really good in here,” he says.

“Thank you, I think it’s ready to eat.”

“You’re such a good cook, will you teach me sometime?”

“Of course.”

I serve two plates and then pour two glasses of wine and we go to the small table in my kitchen.

“How was your day at work?” I ask him, moving my food around on the plate in hopes of helping it cool faster.

“It was pretty good, we’ve just been making a lot of to-go orders for offices since nobody is really coming in.”

I nod in understanding. He works at a small coffee shop and his duties have completely changed since COVID got bad.

“How about you?”

“I only had to go through some emails this morning and attend a zoom meeting, so I did my grocery shopping this afternoon.”

“Nice. I wish I was working from home, then I could see you more often.”

“That would be fun, but I’m glad you’ve still got your job. It would suck if you got shut down and had to file for unemployment.”

We chit chat like this through all of dinner until we’re both tipsy from the wine and so stuffed with comfort food that we need to lay down.

“That was so delicious, can I marry you right now?” He asks teasingly as he flops down on the couch.

I laugh and crawl on top of him, resting our fronts together so that I can lay my head on his chest.

“You’re only gonna marry me cause I’m a good cook? That’s so shallow!”

“No no no, for other things too.”

“Like what?”

“Your couch is really comfortable.”

“Fuck off,” I giggle, lightly hitting his bicep.

“I’m kidding. I mean, I do want to marry you someday, but it’s because you’re wonderful inside and out.”

I look up at him and smile before pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

“Oh hey, before I forget, you’re invited to my parent’s house this weekend.”

“Okay, what’s the occasion?”

Every once in awhile I’ll have dinner with Vic’s family for no reason but usually they’re having a family event and want to include me.

“I think we’re gonna put up the Christmas tree and decorate it.”

“Oh,” I say quietly.

“What?”

“I’m uh, I’m actually busy this weekend. I forgot.”

“What are you doing?”

“Meetings,” I say vaguely.

“Okay. We’ll miss you.”

I stay quiet and let my eyes start to close. I don’t want to think about the festive music they’ll play, the delicious eggnog and hot chocolate they’ll drink, and the generally cozy feeling that will be in all of their hearts. I guess I’m just assuming that’s what it will be like, it’s not like I really know.

The weekend passes and Vic checks up on me multiple times, keeping me updated on their activities and asking about my meetings. He really seems to think that they’ll end early or I’ll be able to slip away at some point, but of course they don’t and I can’t, because they’re fake. 

I stay in bed from Friday night to Monday morning, only getting up to eat some food and use the bathroom. At one point I took three of my pills instead of one like I’m supposed to because I just wanted to sleep. Oh boy did it work, I don’t think I was conscious at all for twelve hours after I did that.

I feel acute relief when the weekend is over and I’ve successfully evaded the weekend festivities. Only to have Vic reach out and ask if I want to drive around and look at lights. When I turn that down he inquires if I could help with his Christmas shopping. I give in and say yes, but when the day actually comes I pretend to be sick and stay home. Thankfully he doesn’t check up on me.

Now it’s Christmas Eve, one of my least favorite days of the year and I haven’t heard from my boyfriend in an entire week. I can’t really blame him. I haven’t done anything with him in a long time, and I’m sure he knows that some of my excuses were bullshit. Maybe this is going to be the end of us. I feel completely heartbroken at the thought but at the same time I’m not surprised. Of course I was gonna fuck up the best relationship I’ve ever had.

I stay in bed all morning, not eating, not sleeping, just sad. I haven’t taken my medication in a few days and I feel surprisingly bad. It feels like everything in my life is heavy and dark and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. 

My phone chirps and I pick it up, already knowing what it’s gonna say.

Vic: Merry Christmas Eve, you sure you don’t want to come over to my family’s tomorrow?

I don’t even reply. God, I’m such a fucking asshole.

I fling my covers off and stand up, stumbling a little because my head is messed up. I can’t remember the last time I drank water or ate.

I make my way to the kitchen and reach up into my booze cabinet. I don’t even bother to choose a decent kind of alcohol, I just grab the vodka. I twist off the cap and take a big mouthful, choking and gagging at the taste. I don’t let it deter me and after a few more drinks it’s not so bad.

Instead of going back to bed I lay on the couch, remembering just a few weeks ago when I was laying here with the love of my life. The guy that I can’t even fucking text now.

No. You know what? Fuck that. I can absolutely text him and I will.

It takes a painfully long time for me to find my phone since it’s hidden in my messy bed, but when I do locate it I lay down and pull up my boyfriend’s message to type a reply. The keyboard is really hard to see and eventually I just decide to call him instead.

“Kellin?” He answers, sounding a little confused.

“Yeah, it’s me,” I slur, having trouble remembering what I was calling about.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, t-totally great! I can’t text though.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Y-yeah, maybe. I don’t really know. But I can’t come to your family thing tomorrow cause I would fucking cry, so yeah... count me out!” I say with a giggle at the end.

“Hey, can I come over? You’re not really making sense.”

“Yeah! Yeah please come over. I’m in bed cause I’m kinda sick,” I tell him quietly. 

“I’ll be there in a bit.”

I don’t really remember hanging up or falling asleep, but the next thing I know I’m being woken up by knocking at the door. I definitely can’t get up and I don’t remember inviting anyone over, so I let myself pass out again.

“Kellin! Kellin, please wake up!” Someone says, shaking my shoulder.

I groan and roll over, my head pounding. When I open my eyes I have to blink a few times cause it’s still dark in my room and everything is fuzzy. I see a figure next to me and after a minute I remember that Vic was coming over.

“Vic?” I croak.

“Are you okay?” He asks, his voice laced with concern.

“Mm-m’fine.”

“Why are you drunk?”

“Cause I didn’t reply to you,” I say truthfully. I should probably mention that I have absolutely no filter when I’m wasted.

“When I texted you about Christmas earlier?”

I nod.

“Christmas makes me sad and I didn’t want to make you sad,” I mumble.

“Why does it make you sad?”

I frown.

“M-my family. It’s supposed to be fun and they were always fighting.”

I try to sit up so I can explain it better but I instantly regret the decision.

“I’m gonna puke,” I warn.

Vic takes my arm and quickly helps me to the bathroom where I violently throw up. There wasn’t a lot in my stomach except booze, so it burns like hell coming up. When I’m finally done he helps me stand up and go to the sink. As I take my toothbrush out of the little jar on the counter I accidentally knock over my bottle of medication and it spills. Vic kneels down and starts collecting the little white pills off the floor but I put my hand on his shoulder and stop him.

“Just leave them, it doesn’t matter.”

“Are you sure? I can go and pick you up a new prescription if you need.”

“No, no I haven’t been taking them.”

“Are you supposed to be?”

“I was just trying them out.”

“What were they for?”

I shrug and begin to brush my teeth.

Vic helps me back to bed and I sleep for awhile. It must be a long time because when I wake up again I’m sober. I feel really gross and I’m secretly hoping that my boyfriend left. I’m sweaty and my lips are dry and I’m still pretty nauseous.

I walk out of my room and come face to face with Vic.

Fuck.

“Hey,” he says, a small smile falling onto his lips.

“Hi,” I reply quietly.

“Can we talk?”

“Can I shower first?” Not only am I embarrassed by how bad I smell but I need a minute to clear my head before we have a serious discussion.

“Yeah, sure, of course.”

Once I’m clean and I’ve chugged a class of water I feel significantly better. I find Vic on the couch and sit next to him, not touching him at all cause I don’t know if I’ve ruined our relationship or not. He takes my hand though which makes me feel slightly relieved. At least he doesn’t completely hate me.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you don’t like Christmas?”

“Oh god, what all did I tell you?” I groan, hating the fact that my drunk self can’t keep their mouth shut.

“You just told me that it makes you sad and that your family fights.”

I sigh. I guess it’s better that he knows.

“When I was little I would always get really excited for holidays and especially Christmas, but as I got older I realized that it wasn’t actually fun. My parents dreaded hosting it, all of my siblings either outwardly fought or were passive aggressive to each other. I eventually started realizing that I was dreading it,” I explain, wiping a stray tear off my cheek. “I hated myself because you’re supposed to love holidays and love your family, but as I got older I got pulled into all of those fights and some of my siblings wouldn’t even speak to me! And if they did it was mean and they would make fun of me or embarrass me. So I um... I decided that it’s better to not celebrate it than to feel like that.”

By now I have tears running down my cheeks and I’m sure my face is all red. I haven’t talked about my family in so long and it’s painful to remember what it’s like to be with them.

“Wow, Kellin, I had no idea.”

“I know, but like I said, I never want someone else to feel like that.”

“You won’t make me feel like that, you couldn’t if you tried. In fact, I’d love to show you that holidays can be fun, if you want to.”

“It would probably be better than getting drunk alone,” I say, cringing at how pitiful it sounded.

Vic looks at me with sad eyes and takes me by the waist, pulling me into his lap. I curl up and rest my head on his collar bone, breathing in his scent. I’ve missed him so much.

“You really scared me,” he admits quietly.

“I did?”

“Well yeah, I hadn’t heard from you in so long that I thought you might be over me.”

“I could never be over you. I love you.”

This makes him smile and that makes me smile too.

“And then today, finding you passed out like that, it was also scary.”

“I’m sorry. I knew I wasn’t handling the whole situation well but I didn’t know what to do about it. I’ve just lost all hope and motivation lately. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Could it be because you stopped your medication?”

I flick my eyes up to look at him and then quickly look back down.

“Maybe.”

“Why’d you stop taking it?”

“Cause I thought it wasn’t doing anything.”

“Will you start again?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Now that we’ve got all of that cleared up, I think we should get a solid night of sleep,” he says.

“Why?”

“Because we have plans tomorrow.”

“We do?”

“Yep. Kellin Quinn, get ready for a jolly good time!”

I can’t help but roll my eyes a little.

“Fine, fine. I’ll go as long as I can leave whenever I want.”

“Of course.”

The next morning I’m regretting my decision as flashes of past holidays keep entering my mind. People screaming, everyone laughing at me, crying in the bathroom.

Vic picked me up and now we’re driving to his parent’s house. I nervously take his hand in my and give it a squeeze.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just nervous.”

“Don’t be. It’s just gonna be my parents and Mike and Tony. I’ll be right by your side all day.”

I gulp and look out the window. It’s weird to not be holed up on Christmas Day.

When we arrive and go inside the first thing I notice is the smell of meat and baked goods. It really does smell like a holiday.

“Vic! Kellin!” Mrs. Fuentes squeals as she squishes us both in motherly hugs. “I’m so glad you’re both here.”

“Where’s everyone else?” Vic asks, wrapping an arm comfortingly around my waist.

“In the living room waiting for you two. We’re gonna do gifts and then have food.”

We make our way to the living room and greet the others before sitting down on various couches and chairs. Vic sits in a big armchair and pats his lap, motioning for me to sit with him. I’m a little self conscious because I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable with pda, but I love being close to Vic, so I join him. As my ass meets his lap I can feel his dick stiffen slightly. I look at him and feel my cheeks flush as I try to not wiggle around and make the situation worse.

“Sorry, we just haven’t been this close in awhile,” he whispers.

“It’s okay,” I reply, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

“Alright, time for gifts!” Mike shouts before getting up and helping Mrs. Fuentes distribute the brightly colored boxes.

It’s actually really nice and calm as everyone opens their packages. There’s no commotion or people that aren’t speaking to each other. It’s kinda like a really special family dinner. Just a few people enjoying a holiday because they love each other. 

I unwrap a gift from the Fuentes family and it’s a hot topic gift card and a really nice bottle of wine. After I thank them, Vic pulls out another present for me.

“I didn’t get you anything, I’m sorry,” I admit quietly.

“That’s okay, I figured you hadn’t. I wanted to buy you something though.”

I open the small box and reveal a few CDs that I’ve been pining over lately. Tickets to My Downfall by Machine Gun Kelly, Mother by In This Moment , and Post Human: Survival Horror by Bring me the Horizon.

“Oh my god, I love them! Thank you so much!” I squeal, planting my lips on his and thanking him with a kiss.

He laughs, nearly ruining the kiss before he glides his tongue smoothly into my mouth. I force myself to pull away because I don’t want to get horny right now, but I think I’ll definitely give him a proper “thank you” later.

The rest of the day really is wonderful. It’s a cheerful celebration with delicious food, funny conversations, and absolutely zero arguments.

Vic and I take off sometime in the evening and decide to go back to my apartment together.

“So? Did you enjoy yourself today?” He asks curiously.

“Yeah, I really did. Thank you, Vic.”

“You’re welcome. I hope we can make new, good memories of holidays to replace your old ones.”

“Me too.”

We get back to my place and as soon as we get in the door I stand closer to my boyfriend. I take his fingers in mine and look down as I play with them.

“So...” I say.

He hums for me to continue.

“Since I was unprepared on this gift giving occasion, maybe I could give you one now.”

“Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?” He asks flirtatiously.

“A mind blowing orgasm,” I whisper in his ear, being sure to let my hot breath bathe him.

“I’m not gonna say no to that,” he chuckles.

I grin at him and take his hand, leading him to my room. I can’t help myself but begin to undress immediately, I need to be as close to him as possible. Both of our shirts come off and I have his pants and boxers down in no time. He’s partially erect when I expose him and I step forward, connecting our lips and beginning to stroke him slowly with my hand. Our lips move feverishly, every movement being a clear indication that we haven’t done this in awhile. We’re desperate for affection from each other in every way, shape, and form. 

Vic grunts a little when I flick my thumb over his tip and I feel his dick pulse and grow in my palm. I break our lips apart and get down on my knees, wanting to feel him harden against my tongue. I look up at him with big eyes and find his gaze already trained on me, filled to the brim with lust.

“Kells,” he whines as I take him in my hand again. 

“What?” I ask, bringing my mouth close to his tip. I’m sure feeling my breath so, so close to him is driving him wild.

“Please suck me.”

I finally let my lips touch him and he breathes a sigh of relief. I suck lightly on the head of his penis before I begin licking it all over, trailing my tongue all over his veins and eventually sucking a bit on his balls. His breathing is getting deeper and with every action I can feel him growing and hardening so I think I better move this along. I take him in my mouth and apply some suction as I bob my head up and down. He lets me do this at my own pace for a few minutes before he gently rests his hand on my head and urges me to go deeper. His dick pokes the back of my throat and I nearly gag, but I control the urge and continue sucking him harder.

“Fuck, you’re so good at this,” he praises. 

I grab his thighs to steady myself as I attempt to deepthroat him a couple times. The first try is successful but the second time makes me gag and cough a little when I come back up. I wipe my lips off and stand up. Vic presses a sloppy kiss to my lips before he motions for me to go to the bed.

“Get on all fours,” he instructs.

I do as he says and slip off my pants and boxers before I position myself in the middle of the bed on my hands and knees. I feel him grab my waist right before he pulls me to the edge of the bed, causing me to shriek in surprise. I’m about to ask what he’s doing when I feel him spread my cheeks and run his tongue over my hole.

“O-oh fuck,” I whimper.

He continues licking me in wide stripes and little kitten licks for awhile before he stops and wets a finger with his saliva. He massages me with it before letting it dip inside.

“Mmm, keep going, I want you inside me soon,” I groan.

He does as I asked and quickly stretches me with two fingers, scissoring my whole open and then eating me out a bit more. My legs are shaking and my dick is hard as a rock when I finally beg him to stop. He’s gonna make me cum too soon if he’s not careful. I turn over and see a smug smile on his face.

“Don’t give me that look,” I grumble.

“Sorry, you’re just so sensitive.”

I pout and he presses his lips to my jaw.

“It’s okay, I like how responsive you are to everything I do.”

I smile and get up to retrieve the lube from my bedside table. When I find the bottle I toss it to Vic before I lay on the bed. I position some pillows under my hips to give my boyfriend a better angle and shift around until I’m comfortable.

“You’re so beautiful,” he says as he climbs in between my spread legs.

“Thank you,” I reply shyly.

He’s slicked up his cock with a nice amount of lube so when he guides the tip into my tight ass it glides in without resistance. He sucks in a breath and I stroke myself slowly as he continues stuffing him cock into me. Once he’s bottomed out he looks at me and I nod to tell him he can move. He takes my hands and threads our fingers together before pressing them into the mattress on either side of my head. I connect our lips in a passionate kiss as he pulls his hips away from me and slams back in. I groan into his mouth as he does it again, building up a decent pace. Our sweaty chests glide back and forth and eventually we have to stop kissing because we’re both breathing heavily. This position is hot and sweet but I really wish he didn’t have my arms pinned because my dick is aching.

“Vic,” I whine.

“What baby? What do you need?”

“I need, ah! I n-need you to touch me.”

He kisses my forehead once before releasing our hands and sitting up. When he’s upright he has a lot more force behind his movements and he’s making me shriek with every thrust. I didn’t realize that he wasn’t fucking my prostate yet, but I sure as hell realize when he does find it.

“Oh my god! Fuck! Right there!”

He’s breathing hard and I can see beads of sweat traveling down his sexy, chiseled chest as he continues to move harshly into me. 

“I’m close,” he moans, finally taking my swollen dick in his warm palm. 

He grips me tight and tugs in rhythm with the movement of his hips. I close my eyes and let my mouth drop open, moans and curses flowing out of me. 

“Fuck, I’m cumming,” Vic groans, slamming into me.

I can feel him pulse as he shoots his load deep in my ass. Between that sensation and his hand still stimulating my erection I feel my own orgasm growing close.

“Viccy, don’t stop, I’m gonna cum.” 

His hand builds up a steady pace again and he gently rocks his hips, making his dick brush against my prostate. I let out a slutty moan and buck my hips, shooting my cum all over my stomach and Vic’s hand.

Once were both calmed down from our highs Vic pulls out and crawls on top of me for a kiss.

“I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you too.” 

He lays on the bed next to me and pulls my sweaty body close. I love being in his arms again after I thought we were breaking up.

“Vic?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for sticking with me and for my first good Christmas.”

“You’re welcome hon. I’d do anything for you.”

“Merry Christmas,” I whisper for the first time in a long time.

“Merry Christmas, Kellin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4623 words :)


	35. Just Stroke It (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings but this is smut, so beware!

~Vic pov~  
“Hey Vic?” My friend, Kellin, chirps from the couch where he’s laying.

“Yeah?”

“Do you masturbate?”

You might think that this is an awkward or shocking question, but it’s not for multiple reasons. First off, Kellin is a very random person, he says whatever is on his mind whenever he wants to, and secondly, we’re really close and talk about intimate things sometimes.

“No, why?” I answer, not looking up from the email I’m typing.

“I was just curious. We’ve been living together for two years and I’ve never heard or seen any evidence that you do.”

“Well if I did I wouldn’t be nearly as loud as you are,” I say teasingly.

“Shut up. I’m gay, I’m supposed to be dramatic.”

I look up from my place at the dining room table and roll my eyes at him.

He’s quiet for a bit but I can practically feel him buzzing with questions.

“So... you never get yourself off? Like, at all?” He finally inquires.

“Nope, I tried a couple times when I was a teenager but it never worked.”

“What do you mean? You just stroke it.”

I give him a “are you kidding me” look and he seems confused before it dawns on him. 

It’s sweet that he’s so respectful of my gender that he forgot I’m trans, but you can’t just stroke female genitalia and magically cum. People with penises are so lucky.

“Sorry, I forgot,” he says sheepishly.

“It’s fine,” I sigh and close the computer, folding my arms on top of it and resting my chin on them. “I think I’m just too uncomfortable with my body to get enjoyment from it like that, you know? How can I feel good when I’m grossed out by touching myself?”

“I guess that makes sense.”

I nod and pick up my phone to scroll through tumbr for awhile but I’m interrupted a couple minutes later by the sound of a woman moaning. I fling around to look at my friend in horror.

“Kellin! What is that?”

“Porn,” he says simply.

“Shut it off right now. I don’t know what you think you’re doing but stop it!”

“No, it’s for educational purposes, maybe you were touching yourself in the wrong places.”

My face burns and I get up, marching over to him.

“It doesn’t matter if I was doing it wrong, I don’t like thinking about or touching my genitals that much,” I say sternly, standing in front of him and crossing my arms.

“Well then I’ll learn for you.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“I’ll figure out how it works and do it for you,” he says simply.

“No.”

“Oh come on, yes.”

“Nope, you are not doing that.”

He sighs and sits up, shutting off the annoying chick that was moaning up a storm through his speakers.

“Listen, I won’t bring it up again if you don’t want me to, but I’d be completely fine with doing it. Masturbating is good for you, it’s helps relax your body and it feels nice, I want you to have that experience if you want it.”

“But wouldn’t it be... weird?” I ask, feeling my walls slowly coming down. How the fuck is he actually talking me into this?

“I don’t think so. We wouldn’t kiss, it wouldn’t be sex, and I’ve already seen you naked a few times. You could just close your eyes and pretend it’s your crush touching you.”

I think it over, my mind racing.

“O-okay. I’d let you try it once, but if it’s weird at all it’s your fault and we’re never speaking of it again.”

“Deal. Now excuse me, I have some research to do.”

“Ew,” I laugh, leaving him in the living room while I quickly shut myself in my bedroom.

How did this happen? Like five minutes ago everything was normal and now I have plans to let my best friend get me off?

I try to distract myself with watching a show on Netflix for awhile. I cuddle into all the blankets on my bed and enjoy the rom-com, even though I’ll realize every once in awhile that I’ve gotten carried away by thoughts of my conversation with Kellin.

Just when this happens for roughly the hundredth time, I hear a knock at my door.

“Come in!” I shout.

Kellin opens the door and steps in the room, he has a smile on his face and a small bottle of something in his hand that I can’t identify.

“Hey,” he says, shutting the door behind him.

“Hey...”

“I’m ready.”

“Already? For... doing this?” I say awkwardly.

“Yep, turn off your show.”

I do as he says, trying to shake my nerves.

“Do you want me to like, get naked... or?” I ask.

“Just take off your pants and underwear and lay down.”

I nod, glad that he’s taking control. I do as he said and then lay on top of the blankets on my bed, pulling a pillow under my head.

“Are you comfortable?” He questions, getting on the bed too.

“Yeah.”

“Just talk to me as we go. Tell me to stop altogether or stop doing something specifically. Okay?”

I nod and bite my lip.

He crawls towards me and takes my ankles, spreading my legs apart so he can sit in between them. He puts the little bottle on the bed beside him and I can see now that it’s lube. Oh god...

“What’s that for?” I inquire nervously, pointing at it.

“It’s lube, it slicks stuff up.”

“Yeah but... you’re not gonna fuck me.”

“Right, but it will make my fingers feel better. Just trust me.”

“Okay.”

“Close your eyes so I can do my thing,” he giggles.

I let my eyes slip shut and I hear him moving around, getting closer to me and snapping the bottle open and shut.

The next thing I feel is something cold and slick being spread over my privates. He seems to just be spreading it all over and not searching for any particularly good spots yet... or maybe he’s just gonna suck at this.

“How does that feel?”

“Cold.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I laugh.

His fingers slip down through my folds once and then up to my clit, circling around it and then rubbing on it directly. The motion feels nice and I find myself shifting my hips up to make him press harder.

Have I ever done this to myself? If I have it never felt like this. I was probably too distracted by the fact I should have a dick and not a clit.

I pull myself out of those thoughts and back into the present.

“Oh fuck,” I breathe as Kellin’s fingers move faster.

“Feel good?” He asks, sounding truly curious.

“Y-yeah,” I moan.

Little jolts of pleasure are making my skin tingle and my muscles clench, my legs keep jumping when he hits particularly sensitive bits and it’s like I don’t have control over my voice.

“Ah, mmmmmm,” I whimper.

Just when I think it couldn’t get better I feel something prodding against my vagina. My face scrunches up as I feel one of Kellin’s fingers shallowing slipping into me.

“Is that okay?” He asks.

“It doesn’t really feel like anything, it doesn’t hurt though.”

He pushes it in deeper and I feel a little ache since my body isn’t used to the intrusion. I only use tampons when I absolutely have to and I’m a total virgin, so my lady bits are basically unused.

I’m about to tell him to stop and go back to my clit, but he turns his finger over and pumps it a couple times, touching something magical inside me.

“Oh my god!” I shriek, my eyes flying open to look at him.

“Did I find it?” He asks excitedly.

“What?” I pant, his finger still rubbing against that spot and making it hard for me to concentrate.

“Your g-spot?”

“I-I don’t know what that is but please keep touching it,” I practically beg as I close my eyes again.

He does as I say and continues stimulating it, massaging my clit with the thumb of his other hand. The two actions together have me blissing out. I can hear the wet sounds my pussy is making, which has never happened before. I’ve read about girls getting wet from being turned on but it’s never happened to me... until now. 

It takes less than five minutes of this for me to feel an odd sensation building in me. I’ve never experienced it before but I’m not totally dumb, I know what’s happening.

“Kellin,” I moan, grinding myself down on his fingers.

“Yeah?”

“I-I think I’m gonna cum.”

“Whenever you’re ready,” he says.

I focus on his finger inside me and wonder what it would be like to have multiple digits up there, or a dildo, or an actual dick. God, it’s gotta feel so good. All of a sudden I hit a peak and basically scream at the pleasure of my orgasm.

“Fuck! Yes! Hhhhhhmmmmmm,” I whine, Kellin’s movements not stopping for a second.

He fingers me until I become too sensitive and tell him to stop.

“I’m gonna wash my hands, I’ll be right back,” he says, leaving me alone.

While I’m catching my breath I think over everything that just happened and I’m surprised to find that I enjoyed it. It wasn’t embarrassing at all and Kellin was really sweet to me.

“So? How was it?” He asks as he sits next to me on my bed.

I blush when I realize that my bottom half is still naked. I get up quickly and throw on my underwear and a pair of shorts before returning to my spot.

“It was actually really good,” I admit.

His face breaks into a smile and I can’t help myself but to join him.

“Did you... um... mind? Helping me out?”

“No,” he shrugs. “It didn’t get me off or anything but I would totally do it again. It’s kinda like... giving a friend a massage! You’re just happy you can help them release tension.”

“That makes sense. Well, if you ever want a really massage, maybe that’s how I could pay you back.”

“You’re not gonna suck my dick?” He giggles, obviously teasing.

“Fuck off!” I squeal, getting off the bed.

“Fine, fine, a back massage will do,” he sighs, getting up and following me to the kitchen.

“Well you’re in luck, I’m really good with my hands. I’m basically a fucking masseuse!”

“Turns out I’m good with my hands, at least for a gay guy fingering a vagina for the first time...” he says thoughtfully.

“Never refer to my vagina so casually again.”

“Got it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1796 words :)


	36. Rose Scented Candles (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mentions of suicide and self harm, alcohol, smoking, mention of sexy bits.

~kellin pov~  
I love baths. I didn’t used to because it means all of my scars are on full display, but lately I’ve become more comfortable with that. Or maybe that’s the booze talking... Either way, I feel sexy and fabulous right now.

I have a rose scented candle lit and perched on the windowsill, the water is deliciously hot and filled with bath salts, and I even let myself bring in a bottle of whiskey and a pack of cigarettes. I wouldn’t usually smoke in our house, but tonight is a special occasion.

The sound of soft, classical music drifts out of a speaker I have set on the vanity making the atmosphere more calm than I feel. That’s the strange thing about baths, no matter how you feel inside, I think you always look like you’re lounging in the bathtub. 

I lay down further, propping my legs on the side of the porcelain tub and letting the ends of my hair dip in the water. Since I’m not planning on washing it the damp ends will form into beautiful curls or bedhead, it could go either way.

As I light up another cigarette, (is it my fifth or sixth?) I hear the front door open and close. I forgot to shut the bathroom door so I desperately hope it’s my boyfriend and not someone else.

“Kells?” I hear his lovely voice yell.

“In the bathroom!” I shout, a little unnecessarily loud. When I’m drunk I have trouble controlling the volume of my voice.

His footsteps get louder and louder until he peers around the doorframe. He looks confused and I momentarily wonder why.

“Are you smoking in here?” He asks.

Oh yeah. Oops.

“Yeah, s-sorry babe,” I slur.

He comes in the room and turns on the exhaust fan, probably to get some of the smoke out before everything smells like it permanently.

“Let’s put that out, okay? Looks like you’ve had enough.”

I just nod and hand him the cigarette I was currently working on. He takes it carefully as not to burn himself and also picks up the plate I was using as an ash tray before stubbing it out and setting the mess aside.

I pick up my drink and take a gulp of the amber liquid. It burns a bit going down but I love the foggy haze it’s leaving in my brain. I don’t have to care about shit. I take another gulp and rub my legs together, feeling the soft skin that I just shaved last night.

“Viccy, join me,” I request. As long as I’m feeling hot then he might as well fuck me,

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Oh come on, you can’t turn me down when I’m already horny,” I whine.

“Kellin, you’re drunk, we can’t do anything.”

“Loosen up! I haven’t drank that m-much!” I stop to hiccup, which probably doesn’t help my case. “I can consent to this, no problem! Fuck me please.”

I stand up with some difficulty and nearly slip on the wet porcelain under my feet. The water glides off my body and my hard dick, which I’m hoping is seductive. How could it not be?

“Let’s get you to bed,” Vic sighs, coming over to help me so I don’t fall. 

He takes ahold of my arm and guides me onto the fluffy rug waiting on the floor. When he brings me a towel and wraps it around me, covering my erection and everything else, I realize that this means he doesn’t want to have sex. What was I thinking? Of course he doesn’t. I’m gross and covered in scars and I’m too skinny, who would ever want to fuck me?

I close my eyes for a minute and let a couple tears roll down my face. I don’t think Vic notices because I’m already wet but when a sob shakes my chest his head whips up and he gives me a pitying look.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want you to be upset-“ he starts.

The tears are pouring from my eyes at full force now.

“Y-you don’t want me. It’s not your fault I’m disgusting!” I sob, dropping my towel to burying my face in my hands.

“It’s not that at all, you’re so beautiful,” he says softly, picking up my towel and helping me put it around my waist.

He leads me out into our room and over to the bed. I lay down and immediately curl up into a ball with my back to my partner. The sobs rack my body and it seems like I’ll never run out of tears. My mind races and I try to scratch my wrists, but Vic is there to stop me.

“Honey, no. You’d regret that in the morning.”

I’m too tired to care.

“L-lay w-with m-me?” I hiccup.

He nods and slips off his uncomfortable jeans before getting in the bed and spooning me tightly.

“It’s the ten year anniversary,” I whisper.

He pulls me closer and kisses my shoulder.

“I know, just rest for awhile and we can talk when you wake up.”

The mention of sleep suddenly makes my eyelids feel heavy. They slip shut and I black out without another self destructive thought.

~Vic pov~  
I watch Kellin sleep because I fear that if I move I could wake him up.

I was surprised when I woke up this morning and found my boyfriend getting ready for work like usual. Most years he takes this day off because he knows his emotions can get out of hand. I wondered if he forgot... but I knew that couldn’t be it. How I found him this evening is much closer to what I was expecting. Drunk and smoking in the bathtub seems much more appropriate for the ten year anniversary of your sister’s suicide. Of course I didn’t want Kellin to be upset or mourning, but if I take into consideration how he usually takes this day, it would have been surprising if he was cool, calm, and collected.

My thoughts are disrupted as my boyfriend groans and rolls over. His eyelashes flutter and soon I’m looking into his blue-gray eyes.

“What happened?” He asks, his voice scratchy.

He squeezes his eyes shut and reaches out from under the covers to massage his temple. My poor baby has got to feel like hell after how much booze he drank in such a short amount of time.

“You got drunk and horny so we decided you should take a nap.”

He cheeks turn pink at my words. He’s only ever seductive when he’s drunk, the real Kellin is actually quite shy when it comes to sex. He’s always been worried about me seeing his scars, no matter how many times we make love I can see the fear in his eyes when my fingers brush over them.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to drink that much...” he says.

“Don’t worry about it, how are you feeling now?”

I brush some hairs away from his forehead and then play with his curls. His hair is always soft and he’s told me that he finds it relaxing when I play with it.

“I feel like shit, Vic.”

“I’m sorry, honey.”

His eyes widen and he basically turns green.

“I-I think I’m gonna be sick.”

He flings off the covers and rushes to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before emptying his stomach. Of course the retching sound is awful, but I still get up and go to help him. I hold back his hair and rub his back while the never ending stream of alcohol exits his body.

“I’m done,” he whispers finally.

I leave him to brush his teeth and wash his hands while I get him a cold glass of water. He thanks me for it when I get back and then he snuggles under the covers of our bed again. This time he faces me and when I lay down I pull him into my chest.

“I can’t believe it’s been ten years,” he mumbles.

I stay quiet, not knowing what he needs right now.

“I thought it would get easier, but it hasn’t. It feels so raw on this day every fucking year and I’m so tired of going through it,” he whimpers.

I feels tears trickling from his cheeks onto my skin, but I don’t mind at all.

“I’m sorry you have to go through this, I’m sorry that you feel so much pain, and I’m so sorry she’s gone, but do you remember how hard it was when I first met you?” I ask gently.

He sniffles and wipes his cheeks.

“Yeah, she’d only been gone a year and a half.”

“You were constantly drinking and doing drugs. Even on days that you were sober you weren’t anywhere near the bright, vibrant person I know now. My point is... I know it’s still hard and I know it feels like you battle this all the time, but you’ve made so much progress and I’m so fucking proud of you.”

“You’re proud of me for smoking in our house and trying to seduce you?”

I laugh, relieved that he made a joke.

“Hey, at least you’re alive and living a wonderful life every day. By the way, I would usually let you seduce me any day of the week, but due to extenuating circumstances it didn’t feel like the right time.”

He giggles and my heart warms at the sound. I dip my head down and plant a kiss on his warm lips.

“Thank you, Vic. Thank you for putting up with all of this.”

“It’s my pleasure. I just love you so much, I’d do anything for you.”

“I love you too.”

We both get comfortable and I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders when his breathing evens out.

We got through another year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1659 words :)


	37. More (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mention of sexual assault.

~Kellin pov~  
“I had a really good time tonight,” Vic says as we pull up in front of my apartment.

“Yeah, me too... wanna keep it going?”

Maybe it’s only our first date, but fuck it, I need him.

“Are you sure-“ he starts but I cut him off by pressing my lips to his.

It takes him a second to get past the surprise, but when he does he kisses me back eagerly. Our mouths move together at a sexy pace, meeting and massaging and then pulling back only to be reunited. I gently bite his bottom lip and when he gasps I use the chance to slide my tongue into his mouth, moving it around playfully and waiting to see if he’ll try to take the dominance from me. I put my hands in his hair and tangle my fingers in it, happy that I finally get to feel his beautiful curls I’ve been drooling over all night.

We have to break away for air and I try to climb over the console to get in his lap, but he puts a palm against my chest to stop me.

“Wait, let’s go inside,” he suggests breathlessly.

A grin breaks out on my face and I nod, gathering up my phone and my jacket before opening my door. We walk hand in hand up the stairs to my apartment and when I point to the correct door he swings me around and pushes my back against it, connecting our lips again. This time he dominates the hell out of me, turning me to complete putty in his hands. He has his tongue in my mouth and his hands trail down and grab my ass, squeezing and kneading it like it’s the nicest thing he’s ever felt. I drape my arms over his shoulders and then hook them around the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me so I can feel his body. 

Right as I finally feel his chest against mine I hear a sound directly behind Vic, across from us. I open my eyes and find my neighbor, a lady in her forties named Maria, coming out of her apartment. I stop moving my lips and Vic gives me a questioning glance before peering over his shoulder to see what I’m looking at.

I fumble with my keys but unlock the door as quick as I can, pulling Vic in behind me.

“Have a nice night, ma’am!” He chirps politely before I shut the door behind us.

“Don’t talk to her!” I chastise him.

“What? Why?”

“She’s a witch! She’ll curse us for making out in the hallway!”

He laughs and pulls me closer to him by my belt loops.

“I have a lot of questions about that, but they can wait until later,” he says seductively.

My dick grows in my pants and I nod, taking his hand and leading him to my bedroom.

Did I promise myself I wasn’t going to sleep with him on the first date? Sure, but I was being ridiculous! This is what we both want and there’s no reason to wait.

I kick off my shoes when we reach my room and he does the same before swinging the door shut.

I fall back onto the bed and he comes right over, crawling on top of me and resuming our make out session. Our mouths move feverishly, wide open with a lot of tongue and light moans traveling back and forth. His hips roll down against mine and I gasp, bucking up to meet them. Without any form of communication or agreement we do it again and I mess up our kiss with the moan that leaves my throat. Vic’s lips trail down my neck and he begins sucking hickeys into my pale skin while we grind against each other.

After probably leaving a mess of bruises for me to cover tomorrow, he sits up and removes his shirt with the help of my fumbling hands and then I lose mine in a similar fashion. His hands go to the button of my jeans and he quirks an eyebrow at me.

“Is this okay?” He asks, his chest heaving.

“Yes, please,” I whimper.

He smirks and makes quick work of popping the button open and drawing the zipper down. I lift my hips and he pulls my jeans off, leaving me in a pair of boxer briefs which do absolutely nothing to hide my erect cock. He covers my bulge with his warm hand and palms me, feeling up and down my length through the fabric and squeezing me a bit. My eyes roll back in my head at the sensation and I feel blood rush to my penis. I didn’t think I could get any harder than I was, yet here we are.

“You’re quite excitable, aren’t you?” He teases.

“Fuck off,” I giggle.

He finally takes my underwear off, letting my dick spring free. It feels so good to not be restrained but I also want Vic to do a million naughty things to me, so the relief is short lived.

He leaves one kiss on my shaft before hooking his arms under my thighs and lifting my ass up off the bed. He kneels down and licks my hole, causing my whole body to heat up with desire. He flattens his tongue and licks me again, swirling his tongue around my and prodding my entrance.

“F-fuck! Yes!” I shriek.

All gay guys love to be eaten out but good lord, it’s my favorite thing ever. I feel his saliva dripping from me as he spits and licks and sucks my hole. I can’t keep still under his wonderful mouth, my hips grind down and I writhe around on the bed uncontrollably. He inserts one finger into me and pumps it while licking around again, but when he adds a second one he scissors them and takes my dick in his other hand. He stretches me and jacks me off until I nearly cum.

“Vic, uh-mmmm, you’ve gotta stop.”

He chuckles and pulls both his hands away, leaving me aching for stimulation. I reach down and stroke myself a couple times to take the edge off before sitting up. He stands up from the floor and I undo his jeans, pulling them down until he has to finish removing them from his ankles. I waste no time, yanking his underwear down and exposing his beautiful, tan cock, it’s thick and long and decorated in bulging veins. I realize that I’m definitely not the only one aroused as my eyes rove over his tip, swollen and leaking beads of precum.

It’s my turn to get on my knees, so I sink until I’m level with his glorious member and I take him in my hand. I stroke him slowly but firmly, running my thumb over his tip to spread around the liquid gathered there.

“Oh my god, fuck, Kells,” he groans.

I smile and lean forward, digging my tongue into his slit while I continue stroking the rest of him at a painfully slow pace. My tongue swirls around the head of his dick, tasting his juices and feeling him pulse.

“You’re beautiful,” I mumble, sucking a little bit of him past my lips.

“You’re a tease,” he replies.

I take that as a challenge, even though I was being a tease. I suddenly take him as deep as I can and increase my suction, causing him to buck forward and shove himself down my throat. I’ve had practice so I don’t even gag, I just move quickly up and down his shaft, tracing his veins with my tongue and sucking him off properly.

“Fuck, oh, oh fuck,” he moans, gripping my hair.

He holds me still and thrusts into my mouth, grunting and panting as he goes. Eventually I lose the battle and gag, pulling away from him to cough a little. 

“You okay?” He asks, taking my hand and helping me stand up.

“Yeah, I need you to fuck me.”

He nods and picks up his pants from the floor, digging through his pockets to find his wallet where I’m guessing he has a condom. I go to my bedside table and retrieve a bottle of lube before crawling on the bed. I watch Vic roll the rubber over his cock and when he joins me on the bed I give him the lube to apply as well. I take a bit and reach behind me, spreading it over my hole and dipping my fingers inside to be sure I’m ready.

Vic is sitting with his legs folding underneath him so when he’s completely ready I crawl onto his lap and position myself directly above his erection. I lean forward and smash our lips together, pulling him close and enjoying the sensual atmosphere for a minute, feeling his strong chest and arms. When I pull away I reach behind me and take him in my hand, guiding him to my ass.

“I’m not gonna last long,” he says quietly, gripping my hips.

“That’s okay, I’m not either.”

He slides into me without much resistance and I grind down into his lap.

“Fuck,” he shudders.

I bounce up and down, tugging him inside me and getting used to his size. He makes me feel really full and nice, his veins massaging my walls and his width stretching me every time I drop back down onto him. He encourages me to go faster by pulling up on my hips and slamming me down, somehow being such a top while he’s actually underneath me. 

The only sounds filling the room are skin hitting skin, the slick noises of his dick gliding in and out of me, and our moans. 

Each time he pulls me down harder and I can feel him fucking deep into me, hitting places that haven’t been pleasures in awhile. He must be longer than the last couple guys I was with and oh boy am I enjoying it.

My legs start getting tired and I’m about to ask if we can change positions when Vic reads my mind, placing a palm in the middle of my back and easing me down onto the bed. He hovers over me and trails kisses and love bites all over my neck and jaw as he thrusts his dick deep into me. In this new position he’s absolutely abusing my prostate and I can barely form thoughts anymore, the pleasure is taking over my brain. 

“I-I’m close,” I warn, somehow fitting the words in between my moans.

“Me too.”

I move my hips in small circles, massaging him inside me and feeling him touch every sensitive bit of me. I feel the heat in my stomach flare as he fucks my prostate dead on and I cum, shooting string after string of the white liquid across my stomach, making a beautiful mess of myself.

“I’m cumming,” Vic groans, shoving his cock as deep into me as he can. 

We both work our way through our orgasms, Vic slowly thrusting in and out of me and I stroke myself until I become over sensitive and have to stop.

Vic pulls out of me and gets up, wandering to my bathroom to throw away the condom. When he returns he flops on the bed next to me and I plant a kiss on his shoulder before curling into his side and falling asleep.

~Vic pov~  
Kellin and I both pass out immediately after sex and I don’t think I would have woken up for a long time if it wasn’t for him getting up. I sense him shifting around and leaving the bed, so I crack my eyes open and rub the sleep from them, trying to figure out where he went. What time is it even?

I glance around the room and see that the bathroom door is shut. Obviously he’s allowed to do his business, but I hear sniffles and sobs which must be him. A wave of worry washes over me and I quickly get up, throwing on my boxers before I go over to the restroom door. 

“Kellin? You okay?” I ask, tapping on the door a couple of times.

No reply.

I try to knob and find that he didn’t lock himself in.

“Can I come in?” I ask, trying to be respectful.

Again, no reply.

I finally decide to just do it. I don’t know Kellin very well but we did just fuck, so even if he was in here naked or something it wouldn’t be a big deal. I push the door open and find him sitting on the floor on the opposite side of the room. It must have taken me longer than I thought to wake up because he had time to get fully dressed. His back is to a wall, his knees are pulled up to his chest as he cries into them, and his hands are in his hair, tugging at it quite hard from what I can tell. I go over to him and untangle his fingers from his beautiful black hair, causing him to look up at me with sad eyes.

“Sorry,” he sobs, trying to wipe the tears from his face.

“It’s okay, what’s wrong?”

He just shakes his head so I sit down next to him, resting my back against the chilly wall.

“Was I... was that your first time?” I inquire. It would make perfect sense since he’s crying, but his performance didn’t really seem like a virgin.

“God no,” he laughs, snorting adorably. “I just,” he sighs, looking down at his hands. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

“No you’re not,” I say quickly.

“Yeah, I really am. I always turn into a complete slut on the first date and then regret it, but I never fucking learn.”

“You regret what we did?” I ask, my heart sinking.

He lifts his head and our eyes connect letting me see all the conflicting feelings hiding in his blue orbs.

“Kinda,” he sighs. “I don’t mind that I had sex with you, and I had a good time, I just wish we had waited a little bit.”

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t even think about it.”

“No, no, don’t feel bad.”

We sit in silence and I take his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together. I don’t know how to help him or make what we did better, so I just stay with him.

“When I was sixteen I got my first boyfriend,” he says randomly.

I hum so that he knows I’m listening.

“I was a virgin and I wanted to wait and have sex with the right person cause I was young and insecure, you know?”

“Sure,” I agree.

“Well he um... he didn’t want to wait.”

My stomach drops as I realize why he’s telling me this.

“One day we were messing around and I stopped him like I always did cause I wasn’t comfortable going further, but he kept begging and holding me down. I wasn’t strong enough to fight him off and eventually I just let him do what he wanted. I mean, he prepped me and tried to make me feel good, but there was no consent.”

He takes his hand away from mine and wipes the tears off his red cheeks even though they’re quickly replaced with more. He rests his head on my shoulder, taking a deep breath before finishing his story.

“Ever since then I’ve been scared that I’m not moving fast enough for people and that they’ll... force me, like he did. So I just throw myself at everyone.”

“Shit, Kellin, that’s really awful. I’m sorry you went through that.”

He doesn’t say anything, he just works on calming his breaths and stopping his crying.

“We don’t have to do anything for awhile if you don’t want to, I would be completely fine with that,” I assure him.

“That’s really sweet, thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me,” I sigh, sad that he sees this as some gift I’m giving him. Like I have to go out of my way to not rape him.

“Okay well, thank you anyways, and thank you for listening to me. A lot of people just fuck me and then leave cause I’m easy. Sometimes I think all I’m good for is my body.”

“You’re good for so much more.”

“Yeah, sure,” he says absentmindedly.

“Yeah, really. I’ll prove it to you.”

“How?”

“I’ll stay with you through everything, whether we’re having sex or not, because I like you for so much more than your body.”

“We’ve been on one date, you’re acting crazy.”

“I’m only crazy for you.”

“Oh my god, stop, that was so cheesy,” he giggles.

“Sorry, can we get off the bathroom floor?”

He nods and I get up first before help him to his feet. He leans forward and presses a sweet kiss to my lips which I return happily.

It’s gonna be easy to stay with him. How could I let someone so wonderful go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2835 words :)


	38. Cigarette Burns (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: death, self harm, suicidal thoughts, drinking, depression. This shit is generally sad so plz be careful~

~Kellin pov~  
As soon as I hear the news I rush to be with Vic. Yes, I live four hours away, yes, I was in the middle of a date, no, neither of those things matter.

His family lives in California so it will at least be a couple days before they can make it, which means he’s possibly alone right now. The thought makes me drive faster even though I’m already twenty over the speed limit.

It seems that every song on the radio is sad or has some connection to him, so eventually I turn it off. The road seems to go on forever, keeping me away from my best friend.

When I finally pull in his driveway it’s just past midnight. I throw my car into park and shut it off before leaping out and going to their front door. By the looks of the house you wouldn’t know anything is wrong. 

I remember when they found this place, they were so excited to get their first house together and now... well now Vic probably won’t want it anymore. It’s a shame since it’s the cutest little place I’ve ever seen, painted white with a bright red front door and Spirea growing in the front garden beds.

I shake the thoughts from my head and knock on the door but Vic never lets me in. I knock a couple more times and peer in the windows before I get my phone from the car and call him. 

“Hello?” He says quietly.

“Hey, it’s Kellin, I’m outside.”

“Just let yourself in,” he sighs.

He hangs up on me but I don’t pay it any attention, I twist the knob and step into the little entryway. All the lights are off but I think I can hear a tv playing upstairs, so I make my way towards the sound, letting it lead me directly to Vic and Tony’s room.

“Knock knock,” I say stupidly as I push the door open.

Vic is in the bed under a mountain of blankets and it’s clear he’s been crying. You might think he’s watching the television just by looking at him, but if you pay any attention at all you can tell that he’s in his own world.

I cross the room and kick off my shoes before getting on the bed.

“Viccy?” I whisper.

“Hmm?”

“How are you doing?”

“Not good,” he chokes out.

Tears flood his cheeks and he sobs, curling up into a fetal position.

“Oh honey, shhh, I know, I know,” I coo as I lay down and pull him into my arms.

He cries violently, sobs choking him and liquid running from his eyes and nose. His eyes are red and swollen and I’m sure his throat is sore by now, but it takes a long time for him to calm down.

I hold him close to me and gently run my hand over his hair, trying to soothe him and make him feel safe and not like his entire world is crumbling around him.

“He’s gone,” Vic says quietly.

My heart breaks at those two, simple words. I already knew, of course that’s why I’m here, but it’s like neither of us can quite believe it yet.

“I know,” I whisper, speaking around the lump in my throat.

“I shouldn’t have let him keep the motorcycle.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I never liked it.”

“But he did.”

“Yeah... he did.”

I find tears forming in my own eyes at this brief exchange. I’ve known Tony for years and became close friends with him after he and Vic started getting close. I’m trying to ignore the fact that I just lost a friend, I’m trying to be strong, but it’s proving hard if not impossible.

“Th-they said someone hit him a-at full speed when they ran a r-red at an intersection,” he mumbles.

My stomach rolls and I could nearly make myself sick picturing the trauma that everyone involved is going through. Sure, we’re grieving but there’s someone out there that accidentally killed a man tonight.

“Did they think he was in much pain?” I ask, my voice raspy.

“The EMT I talked to said that... he said that Tony was k-k-killed i-immediately,” he sobs, breaking down again.

I feel bad for bringing it up but I really needed to know. I’m glad he didn’t suffer. 

“Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay? Unless you need to?” I offer.

He just nods and cries into my shirt until we both drift off.

~Vic pov~  
I must have forgotten to shut the curtains last night because sunshine is pouring into my room and my alarm hasn’t gone off yet. 

I roll over and stretch before feeling the bed to see if Tony is still here since he usually sleeps in on Saturdays. The blankets are cold... 

Tony is cold.

My husband is dead.

It all rushes back to me at once and it feels like I’ve been plunged into cold water. My fingers go numb and my chest is tight, not with tears or sadness, but with fear. What am I supposed to do now? Why did this have to happen to him? When will it happen to me so I can be with him again? Does that mean I’m suicidal? I’m scared to die... right? I always have been before this. 

I squeeze my eyes shut and force myself to stop spiraling. I need to go back to sleep.

I didn’t think it would actually work but awhile later I’m waking up again. After glancing at the clock and finding that it’s past noon I decide that I should probably get up an find Kellin. He came all this way to be with me, the least I can do is get my ass out of bed.

I go to the bathroom, splashing some water on my face and taking a piss before I go downstairs. I probably look like hell but I’m not gonna check the mirror to confirm it. 

I make my way downstairs and find Kellin at the kitchen table. It’s always trippy to see him here, like my teenager life is colliding with my adult life.

“Morning,” he chirps. “There’s coffee in the pot even though it’s probably cold by now.”

“Thanks,” I croak. My throat feels like I was crying for hours on end last night... oh wait... I was.

I pour the coffee into a mug and stick it in the microwave for thirty seconds to warm it up.

“How long can you stay?” I ask, trying to prepare myself for the coming days.

“As long as you need me to.”

“But you have work.”

“I already called and told them that I need some time off. I can start again whenever I’m ready cause we’re over staffed.”

“You don’t have anything or... anyone to get back to?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend if that’s what you’re asking.”

I nod.

“I was on a date last night though,” he says.

“Was he nice?”

“No, he was an asshole.”

The microwave dings and I take my steaming mug to the table, sitting down across from my friend.

We’re quiet but my brain definitely isn’t. I don’t know how long I make myself miserable with thoughts of all the times I’ve sat at this table with Tony before Kellin speaks.

“Are you okay?” He asks, reaching over to take one of my hands. He squeezes it reassuringly and I feel tears spring to my eyes.

“No,” I answer truthfully.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really. I mean, what is there to talk about? He’s gone. I’m alone now and I’ve got a funeral to plan.”

“You’re not alone, you’ve got me.”

I smile at him even though it probably looks pitiful.

“I know. I just... I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, I’m nothing without him. He was my world.”

Tears drip down my cheeks and land unceremoniously on the table.

“I’m so sorry, Vic. I’m so fucking sorry this happened, but I’m gonna help you through it, okay?”

I nod and choke on a sob. He stands up and comes around to my side of the table, pulling me up and into a hug. We embrace for longer than a normal hug should last, but this isn’t a normal hug, this one is filled with grief and hurt and loneliness.

“We’re gonna be okay,” he mumbles into my shoulder.

The next weeks are hell. I cry, have nightmares, stop eating, and ghost my way through the funeral. When my family leaves I get lonely and angry that this has happened which leads me to yelling at Kellin and breaking things and drinking a lot.

Now I’m numb. 

It’s been one month since the accident and I am blissfully, painfully, numb.

I’m sitting on the front steps, smoking a cigarette and watching the clouds float by when Kellin gets back from the store. He’s been cooking for me and taking care of the house and bills and everything, which I’m very grateful for.

He puts the paper bags inside the front door and then he sits next to me.

“I thought you quit smoking,” he says.

“I did.”

He’s quiet.

“I quit for him,” I sigh.

“He would still want you to take care of yourself.”

“I know.”

He pulls me into a half hug and then gets up and goes inside, probably to put away groceries and cook us dinner.

I look at the small cylinder in my fingers, the end burning red and hot. There’s no specific train of thought that leads me to my next action, I just feel so empty and before I know it I’ve burnt my wrist using the end of the cigarette. It’s painful, but at least I could feel it.

I know right then and there that I should never do that again. I feel guilty though cause I already know I will.

After a couple more weeks I kick the drinking habit, mostly because I become tired of being hungover, but I continue smoking and adding to my collection of welts and scars on my left wrist. It’s disgusting and pathetic and annoying to hide, but it gets me through.

Kellin eventually has to go back home for a day to get some of his stuff and tie up a couple things. He’s worried as hell about leaving me but I promise him that I’m a grown man and I can handle twenty-four hours of being alone.

Turns out maybe I can’t.

He was barely out the door before I spiraled. The house is so quiet when it’s just me and without Kellin here I can feel the gaping hole in every room that is missing Tony. I rush to the liquor store and bring home enough booze to get me trashed. What would Tony think if he could see me now? Laying in our bed, drunk off my ass, crying over him? He’d be so fucking disappointed in me. Wherever he is, I bet he’s disappointed.

My phone is ringing somewhere and I stumble around the room until I find it on the floor. Everything whirls and dances in my vision so I sit on the carpet before I answer.

“Hi?” I answer.

“Vic?” Kellin asks on the other end.

“Kellin! Where are you?” I slur.

“I’m at home, you know that. Have you been drinking?”

“Yeah, a lot,” I admit. The room is dark and I’m getting tired, my eyelids threatening to close even though I’m in the middle of a conversation.

“Do I need to send someone over? Or come back?”

“No... I-I’m good,” I mumble as I lose consciousness.

“Vic!” I hear someone shout.

My head is pounding and I don’t want to wake up yet.

“Vic, wake up please.”

I recognize Kellin’s voice and feel him shaking my shoulder.

“What?” I grumble, covering my face with my hands.

“Oh my god, you’re alive!”

“Shut the fuck up,” I growl.

“What’s on your arm?” He asks, sounding genuinely confused.

This catches my attention cause there’s only one thing he could be referring to. 

I sit up quickly, causing my stomach to lurch and my head to hurt so bad I cringe. I try to pull my sleeves down but find that I took off my shirt at some point last night.

“Are those burns?” He shrieks.

He’s squatting down next to me, a look of fear taking over his features.

“N-no! I need a shirt,” I say, trying to stand up.

He pushes me down and straddles my legs to keep me in place before inspecting my arm. 

“Viccy, this is really bad, there are so many.”

I blush and take my wrist from him. How could I be so dumb to let him find out? I feel tears choking me and I’m so fucking sick of crying that I suddenly get angry. So fucking angry.

“I know it’s bad, Kellin!” I yell, looking him straight in the eye and laying into him. “I know it’s bad that I hurt myself and I fucking know it’s not what Tony would want, but who gives a fuck what he wants? He’s dead! And we don’t all get what we want! I want my husband, I want my house to not feel fucking empty, I want my goddamn life back!” I scream. 

My head hurts so bad it’s nearly blinding me and I think I’m gonna vomit, so I push Kellin off of me, careful not to hurt him, and I go to the bathroom. I slam the door and lock it before going to the toilet. I kneel down and let the nausea take over, spilling everything that was in my stomach which was pretty much just alcohol. When I’m done I wash my hands, brush my teeth, and splash water on my face, trying to collect myself. 

God, I’ve really fucked up, haven’t I?

Knowing I need to apologize, I get dressed and go downstairs, finding Kellin’s bedroom door shut and a glass of water with a few painkillers and a note on the table.

I’m taking a nap since I drove all night to get back. Don’t stress, I’m not mad at you.  
-Kells

What have I done to deserve him?

I spend all morning cleaning up the mess I made last night, collecting bottles, scrubbing the kitchen, cleaning my room. Who knew I’m such a messy drunk?

A few hours later I’m rewarding myself on the front steps with a cigarette. The urge to burn myself is strong and I know I probably won’t resist it.

I hear the door open and I turn around to see Kellin coming outside. He’s just in sweatpants and a t-shirt and his hair is still wild from sleeping.

“It’s freezing out here,” he says, sitting next to me and scooting close to share body heat.

I wrap an arm around him, trying to warm him up.

“I’m really sorry I yelled at you, Kellin.”

“It’s okay,” he chirps.

“No, it’s not. I take advantage of how nice and forgiving you are and how you’ve taken care of everything for me these last few months. I’ll never be able to repay you.”

“You’d do the same for me if our positions were switched.”

I make a decision right then and there, knowing it’s a good idea the second it pops into my head.

“Hey, maybe I can repay you a little.”

“I don’t want your money, Vic, I’m doing fine.”

“No, not literally. What if you moved in with me? The house is too empty without you and then you could stop paying rent on your apartment.”

He’s quiet for a second but when he speaks I can hear the smile in his voice without looking at him.

“I think that would be great. Are you sure?”

“Completely positive.”

“Okay, we can go get my stuff and talk to my landlord over the weekend.”

“That sounds good.”

“Maybe I can bring some of my own furniture and stuff? I don’t have to if you don’t want-“

“No, you can.”

I know what this means. He’ll be replacing some of the things that Tony and I chose together to decorate the house, but I’m okay with it. I can’t let myself live in some museum of my past marriage. 

I have to live in the now and work on building a new life.

Why do I feel like Kellin is already becoming my new life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2763 words :)


	39. Careful (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: some medical stuff and sexual content.
> 
> AN: idk if this will make some people uncomfortable or if the whole story is tmi, but I’ve just realized that I have some pretty big audiences and I could actually write about some issues... when I’m not writing smut ;)

~kellin pov~  
Our lips move together with urgency that only comes with a one night stand. In a real relationship you know you have time to learn every soft bit of skin, every sweet spot, every inch of that person’s body, but when it’s only for one night you’ve gotta work fast.

He pulls his hips away from me and starts to line up with my hole. He hasn’t put on a condom but I don’t care, I’m not gonna get pregnant.

He fucks me hard and fast for a few minutes while I I stroke myself and before I know it I’m cumming all over my stomach and he’s releasing his load into my ass. Maybe I should have made him wear something so I didn’t have to clean that out of me...

“This was fun, thanks,” he says, leaving a peck on my lips before pulling out and getting up. 

He gets dressed and leaves me in my dorm, pleasured and tired. That’s how you should feel after a good fuck.

~two weeks later~  
Something is wrong. 

I lay in bed cradling my stomach, trying to figure out what I ate that has upset it so bad. I haven’t eaten any restaurant food and I’ve been eating mild stuff for days trying to get it under control but the stomach cramps are really getting me. Not to mention that fact that I haven’t been going to class because I need to be less than twelve feet from the bathroom at all times.

The door opens and my roommate, Vic comes in. 

“Dude, you look terrible,” he says.

“Thanks,” I croak.

“Seriously, are you okay?”

He puts his bag on his desk and comes over, squatting by my bed and feeling my forehead. He’s such a mother hen sometimes.

“I don’t know, my stomach has been a wreck for days.”

“Do you have any other symptoms? Fever? Headache? Nausea?”

“Well... none of those...”

“But you do have other symptoms? Tell me and I’ll google them,” he offers standing up and going to sit on his bed.

“N-no. I’ll be fine, I’m sure it’s just the flu or something.”

“Come on, let me help you.”

“Vic, I don’t want to tell you, it’s embarrassing.”

“I’ve literally cleaned up your vomit, you can’t phase me.”

I sigh, deciding that I should just tell him so I can get help and fucking get my life back.

“Okay, I’ve been... um, having some bleeding... d-down there.” I finally spit out.

“Oh shit, that doesn’t seem good,” he mumbles as he types away on his phone.

I’ll give him credit that even though I’m blushing and would like to yeet myself out the window, he’s very calm about the situation and doesn’t make me feel embarrassed or gross at all.

“You’re sexually active, yeah?”

“Vic,” I groan.

“This is serious, Kellin.”

“Fine, yes, I’m sexually active.”

“You haven’t had unprotected sex recently, have you?”

I think back and come up blank.

“I don’t think so- wait. Oh yeah, just one time.”

His head shoots up and he looks worried.

“When? With who?”

“This guy I met at the bar about two weeks ago. He brought me back here and... you know. We did it.”

“And he didn’t use a condom?”

“No... we were both horny and distracted.”

“Kells, I think you have an STD.”

I shoot up in my bed and glare at him, shocked and horrified that he would even consider that.

“Shut the fuck up, no I don’t.”

“Uh yeah, std’s have a two week incubation period and the symptoms can include stomach cramps, diarrhea, anal bleeding, itch-“

“Oh my god, stop stop stop,” I plead, burying my face in my hands.

“Sorry,” he mumbles.

I feel bad cause he’s trying to be helpful and I’m being difficult, but this is devastating. I always thought STDs were some scary story to keep kids from fucking, not a real thing I’d have to deal with in my life.

“Will you take me to the emergency room?” I ask.

“Yeah, get dressed.”

It doesn’t take long for us to make a trip to the hospital where they almost immediately confirm that I have chlamydia.

Fuck my life.

I’m prescribed a medication for it and they say it should work pretty quickly but right now I still feel like shit. They ask that I please reach out to whoever I contracted it from and anyone else I’ve slept with. I don’t have that guy’s phone number so unless I see him around I guess I won’t be able to warn him and thank goodness I haven’t slept with anyone since. 

As soon as we get back to our dorm room I strip down and get in bed. Being diagnosed has, unfortunately, not helped my symptoms at all and I still feel like shit. I sigh deeply as I let the weight of this unfortunate accident crush me.

“I’m so fucking stupid,” I groan.

“No you’re not,” Vic says, sitting on the edge of my bed.

“I actually noticed he wasn’t using a condom, I was just turned on and I didn’t care.”

“Kellin, you didn’t know. I’ve had unprotected sex before and everything was fine. We should both be more careful going on and it will be okay.”

“Great, I’m the fucking lesson that scares us both into having safe sex.”

“Hey, it could have been way worse. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“Me too. Thank you for everything you did to help,” I say.

“No problem, get some rest.”

I nod and he gets undressed before shutting off the light and getting into his bed.

Even though it sucks that I have this, at least I’m on the way to recovery and I’ll never let it happen again. With that thought in mind I drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 976 words :)


	40. The Guys (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh this came really close to ending with some bdsm smut, so lmk if you want me to re-write the ending and add that.

~Vic pov~  
“Boss?”

“Talk to me Jaime,” I speak into the phone.

“There’s a fight in the alley by sixty-seventh street and I think you need to come down here.”

“Why? Just take care of it.”

“It’s Kellin, he’s squaring up with Dom.”

Fuck.

“I’m on my way, meet me by the street sign.”

I hang up the phone and rush out of my office and into the foyer.

“Tony! Get your ass down here, we’ve gotta go!” I yell, my voice echoing through the mansion.

I hear footsteps fly down the stairs and follow me out the door and into the car. I give the driver instructions and then turn to Tony.

“He’s going to regret this,” I growl.

~Kellin pov~  
I’m fueled by the chaos. What started as standing up for myself has turned into a street fight that I’m not sure I’m gonna get out of alive. I’m circling around my opponent, bouncing on my feet with as much fake bravado as I can muster.

Usually I would count on Vic to get me out of something like this, but I’ve wandered onto turf that I know nothing about. I’m way out of my depth.

We’re in a narrow, grungy alley and it’s quickly filling with more and more people as, I’m sure, the word of our fight is spreading. It can’t be too uncommon for things like this to happen around here, but I’m sure it’s the first time they’ve had the chance to jeer at a gang leader’s boyfriend.

I’m overwhelmed by the crowd around me, everyone is wearing torn up clothes, denim jackets, bright colors, faded patterns, studded items, it’s all too much, not to mention the tattoos, piercings, shaved heads, dreadlocks, and every other fashion choice known to man. They’re close around Dom and I, forming a circle and making such a ruckus I can’t hear myself think. I glance around for an escape but only see more of these people clinging to balconies and standing on top of old cars that have broken down and been abandoned here. 

In a different situation I might like this scene. It almost looks like something out of a punk rock music video, but since I’m not very excited by the thoughts of dying, I’m not quite able to enjoy the aesthetic.

“Are you just gonna dance around all day or are you gonna fookin’ fight me?” Dom yells in his thick accent. 

I wonder for a moment how a British guy ended up a gangster in California, but the thought gets pushed aside as he lunges for me. It’s clear that he has skill when it comes to fighting and I know for a fact that I don’t. Vic has taught me the basics of self defense but nothing about this.

I decide to just go for it and I lunge forward, jabbing out my fist blindly. I completely miss him, or he must duck out of the way, I’m not sure cause his knuckles collide with my mouth, knocking me backward a few steps.

“How will your boss feel about you once I’ve finished fucking up your pretty face? Huh? Think he’ll still want to fuck you?”

Rage courses through my veins and I run at him, using the element of surprise to tackle him to the ground and punch him square in the face. I’ve seen guys do this before but never done it myself and I don’t expect it to hurt my hand so much. What the fuck is the benefit of punching someone if you get hurt too?

I only keep him down for a minute before he expertly flips us over and grins at me, his split lip dribbling blood down his chin, not making him look weak, but making him look badass. He’s got all the confidence now and I’m willing to bet his isn’t fake.

One minute I’m laying there, pinned down by a crazy British guy, the next he’s being torn off of me. I look around and spot Vic and Jaime standing at the edge of the crowd, side by side with their arms both crossed like they’re bodyguards. My eyes drift over the muscles in Vic’s arms that are bulging deliciously and then up to his eyes, which immediately connect with mine. He looks worried... and angry.

Tony makes quick work of Dom, leaving him in a heap on the pavement, bleeding from his mouth and nose so bad that a couple big guys have to help him up and haul him away.

I’m frozen in place, still laying on the ground and shaking from fear and adrenaline. Vic walks over to me and holds out a hand which I grip and he helps me stand up. I know better than to talk to him in a place like this, so I stay quiet as he leads me out of the alley and down the street, toward the black limo I’m sure is his. He doesn’t let go of my hand until I have to get in the car, then he climbs in after me and sits as close as he can, our arms and thighs pressed together. Jaime and Tony join us and sit on the opposite side of the car, each of them pulling out their phones and beginning to type out messages, probably updating others about what happened.

“Vic,” I squeak quietly.

“No, not here,” he says. His tone is firm, but not mean.

I nod and take his hand in mine, hoping he doesn’t notice that I’m still trembling, and he squeezes it comfortingly.

We ride in silence, the only sound being the clicking of Jaime and Tony’s keyboards, until we finally pull up to the mansion. I’m always in awe of the beautiful gray stones that make the house and the clean, white trim that borders the windows and doors. Even Vic’s house looks strong and manly.

Vic motions for me to get out first but he quickly follows, resting his palm on the small of my back and guiding me inside. We go directly up to our wing... yes, our wing of the house. We have a separate foyer, massive bathroom, living room, two walk in closets, and of course, the bedroom. He takes me to the living room and I sit on the couch while he disappears into the bathroom, coming back with a first aid kit a minute later.

“I-I’m sorry, Vic,” I stutter as he kneels in front of me and begins cleaning my face with antiseptic. I don’t know how hurt I am but one side of my face aches pretty bad.

“It’s okay, what happened? You’ve never been violent before.”

“I didn’t mean to start anything,” I sigh. “I was walking home from that little boutique on Main Street and I decided to cut through the alley. Dom was there, smoking with a few girls and he started calling me a faggot, he obviously knew who I was.”

“I’ll fucking kill him,” Vic says matter of factly.

He smooths a butterfly bandage on my cheek bone and then begins cleaning my knuckles that are split and dirty.

“I spoke up and defended myself, but he was quick to turn it into a fight.”

“Kellin, I can guarantee you’ve never thrown a punch before, why didn’t you just run?”

“Well...” I trail off, looking at my hand he’s bandaging instead of at him.

He takes my chin in his fingers and forces me to make eye contact with him before quirking an eyebrow at me.

“I’ve just seen you guys fight so many people and I thought... maybe...”

“Honey,” he sighs. “We’ve been in gangs our entire lives, we can handle ourselves. It’s just as honorable to know when you’re outmatched and to haul ass as it is to fight. Dom could have seriously hurt you, or even worse.”

“I know, I was dumb.”

He doesn’t disagree with me.

When Vic has all of my cuts and scratches cleaned up and wrapped or bandaged, he presses a kiss to my knuckles and then sits by me, pulling me close by the back of my neck and connecting our lips. He holds me tight and lovingly moves his mouth with mine. It doesn’t last for long, but I can feel his relief in how he handles me, all the tense fear leaving his muscles as he relaxes and shows me how much he cares about me.

“Never do something like that again. If anyone messes with you then call me or one of the other guys and we’ll take care of it.”

“Okay, I promise.”

He smiles and pulls me into his lap, kissing me again and I hope that he doesn’t stop for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1463 words :)


	41. The Guys II (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: none  
> AN: This is bdsm smut so beware :p

~Kellin pov~  
~later that day~  
“Kellin?”

“Hmm?” I ask from my place in between Vic’s legs. 

“You really scared me today.”

“I’m sorry,” I murmur, feeling bad that I caused him any distress. Being a gang leader already stretches him thin on a normal day.

“Well, I don’t feel like you’re genuinely remorseful.”

“What?” I ask, craning my neck to look at him. That was kind of a dick thing to say.

“I just mean that you’re going to have to prove you’ve learnt your lesson... pet.”

I realize what he’s saying and my penis immediately stiffens in my sweats. He wants to punish me, he wants to degrade me, he wants to play with me.

“Okay, sir, I’ll prove it.”

“Good, now get naked and sit on the bed.”

I don’t waste any time before following his orders. Leaving the body heat that was wrapped around me as I sat in his lap is a little difficult, but I know that a different kind of warmth is going to fill me up soon. The plush carpet squishes under my feet as I make my way to the giant, four poster bed. I turn around, not looking Vic in the eye but giving him a good view as I pull off my shirt.

“Faster, pet, I don’t have all night,” he says, rolling his eyes.

My cheeks burn and blood pulses into my member as I quickly strip off all of my other clothes and position myself on the bed like I was ordered to.

Vic lazily stands and stretches before going to our dresser of toys and getting out my collar and leash. He brings them over and attaches the leather snugly around my neck, fitting a couple fingers underneath it to be sure it’s not too tight. It almost feels as though he’s choking me when I have this on and I shudder at the erotic sensation.

“Getting excited already?” He asks.

“N-no sir.”

“Really?” He says unbelievingly, clipping the leash to my neck and forcing me up onto my knees which, in turn, exposes my erection.

I just look away, embarrassed that he caught me being such a slut already.

“Lay down,” he orders, releasing my leash and going back to the drawer of equipment he left open.

I comb my fingers through my hair as I fall onto my back. My whole body is warm and tingly with anticipation. Will he spank me? This is a punishment for getting myself into trouble earlier... but he knows how much I love being spanked. One time I came just from a few slaps to the ass.

I’m startled from my daydream when Vic takes my wrists and pulls me closer to the headboard, wrapping leather handcuffs around them and connecting me to the bed. The leather feels nice, simultaneously holding me in place and hugging my skin so I’m not in pain. I’m pleased when Vic uses long lengths of it to tie my ankles to the posts at the foot of the bed. 

I can feel myself slipping into my submissive headspace as each of my limbs become immobile. Vic has complete control over me, whether he wants me bring me pain or pleasure is up to him and I trust him completely with that responsibility.

“What’s your safe word?” He asks, double checking both the knots he made.

“Candy,” I say quickly.

I watch with hungry eyes as my boyfriend tugs off his shirt, grabbing the neck and removing it over his head like all sexy guys do. I’m such a sissy that even I don’t do it that way. He pops the button on his jeans and pulls the zipper down, pushing them off his hips and revealing that he wasn’t wearing any underwear. His dick is on complete display, partially erect and growing bigger before my eyes. It seems that both of us are affected by this scene.

He drops a bottle of lube on the bed and then slips on top of me and straddles my waist although he seems be holding most of his weight off of me. I feel the heat of his body come in contact with me and I nearly moan. It’s so erotic to have him sitting on me, completely nude, like this. His hands run over my chest, not stopping on my nipples but not avoiding them either, and his lips land on my neck. He sucks hickeys onto my pale skin and breathes his hot breath against me, riling me up in every way he knows how.

“S-sir,” I whimper, trying to my my hips just a fraction so that he’ll be giving me friction on my boner.

“What, pet? What do you think you want?”

“I’m aching sir, I need you to move down,” I say clearly. One thing I’ve learnt about Vic is that he’s very literal when he’s in his dom headspace. If I asked for him to touch me or pleasure me I have no idea what I might get.

He chuckles and slides down, his cock pressing against mine as he grinds us together.

“O-oh fuck,” I whine, bucking up to add even more pressure.

“Is that what you wanted?” He purrs, not stopping his movements for a second.

I nod, wishing I could grip his shoulders and wrap my legs around him and become one body together, but there’s no chance of that happening soon.

He grips my leash and gives it a harsh tug.

“Yes sir!” I say quickly.

Taking the lube he sits up and dribbles some on my dick and then he plants his hands on my chest and moves faster than before. We slide together at the perfect pace, feeling every vein and detail of each other as the pleasure flows from our groins.

“Oh god, V-Vic,” I cry, my back getting tired as I continue bucking up against him.

He clutches my throat and pushes me into the bed, anger in his eyes.

“Don’t call me that,” he growls, releasing me so I can breath properly again.

“Sorry, sir,” I mumble.

I can feel my orgasm building and I’m confused that Vic is already gonna let me cum, but the feeling at the base of my cock is too good to be distracted from.

“Are you close?” He asks, rolling his hips in a circle.

“Yes!” I shriek as my eyes roll back in my head.

I’m right there, right at that edge where you can either let it fill you up until you literally explode, or you can jump in and have your pleasure right now. I choose the latter and feel my cock start to pulse as my semen travels to the tip, but Vic feels it too and does something horrible, something disappointing, something so powerful and disgraceful that I can barely believe my senses. He gets off of me completely and stops all the pleasure I was feeling in one fell swoop. My dick lays on my stomach, jumping with uncomfortable contractions as it pumps cum out into a puddle on my stomach. I can’t keep myself from squeezing my eyes shut and writhing around as the ruined orgasm ebbs away.

When I open my eyes I see Vic all the way across the room, getting toys out of the dresser. He comes back over, his penis looking painfully erect as he sits in between my legs.

“You took that really well baby, do you want to cum again?” 

I nod even though I’m not sure. I might be over sensitive but I felt nothing in the way of pleasure from that climax, so I’d like to go again.

His pops open the cap of the lube and squirts some onto the vibrator wand he brought over. Clutching my hip to keep me still he turns on the toy and runs it gently over my balls.

“Uuuhhhhh, fuck!” I groan.

“Feel good?” He chuckles.

“Yes s-sir,” I stutter, nearly interrupting myself with a whimper. 

He moves the toy up and over my dick, running the smooth plastic over the prominent vein on the bottom of my length. I wish he would take me in his fist and really pump me, really squeeze me and give me all the stimulation I need, but instead he just leaves my penis laying on my stomach and runs the vibrator over the underside.

He rubs small circles into my hip and I feel my next climax sneaking up on me sooner rather than later. I fight against is this time, enjoying the pleasure Vic is allowing me to have and letting my body reach a breaking point before I give it what it wants.

He starts teasing me, giving me some stimulation and then none for a couple seconds, rubbing me with his hand and then the toy, starting and stopping until I nearly scream.

“I’m close,” I whine, ready to feel that rush of adrenaline and endorphins.

“Cum for me, pet,” he purrs, taking my dick in his warm palm, just how I wanted him to, and tugging me quickly.

“Ah, ahh, oh fuck! Yes!” I scream.

Vic takes this as a sign that I’ve reached my peak and he lets go of me again. I groan and pull against all of my restraints, wishing desperately that I could ease the pain I’m feeling from the violent pulsing in my body and just touch myself.

“Please! No! It hurts!” I beg, nearly hurting myself from how hard I’m pulling at my handcuffs.

Vic runs his hands up and down my thighs, trying to soothe me but that doesn’t happen until I’m free from the overwhelming sensation of ejaculating without an orgasm again.

“One more time,” he says, pouring a dollop of lube into his palm and finally touching his own cock. 

“No no no I can’t! Sir, I can’t!” I plead desperately, even though we both know I can. I have a safe word for a reason and he’s not gonna stop unless I use it.

He releases my ankles and pushes my knees up to my chest, revealing my ass that is already full with a butt plug. Vic likes me to constantly be ready for sex and I like wearing butt plugs. Win win situation.

He eases the plug from my body and I cringe at the stretch as the widest point slips out. He doesn’t give me any time to recover before positioning himself and fucking into me, deep and hard. 

I grit my teeth against the groan that wants to leave my throat. It feels so good to have him inside me, stretching me, using me, but I’m so tired and I don’t know if I can even cum again. 

“You feel so good wrapped around me, you’re such a tight little slut. It’s a wonder with how much dick you get,” Vic says, making my cheeks flush.

I can only moan in response, bouncing my hips to making him move faster and deeper. He hangs his head down and slows his movements until he’s ramming into me in rough, long strokes.

“I’m close and we’re gonna cum together,” he orders.

I nod, not actually sure how he thinks that’s gonna happen.

He speeds up again and grinds himself in circles each time he bottoms out, massaging my prostate and every other good place inside of me. It feels good and I know I’m still hard but I’m surprised when he turns on the vibrator and places it against my dick again, causing the need for release to build inside me again.

“Do you think I’m actually going to let you cum this time? Huh? Do you want that?” He growls, keeping his incredible pace.

“Yes! Yes, sir!” I moan loudly.

“Okay, cum as hard as you can.”

And I do.

My hips buck and grind and I scream as a climax more intense that one I’ve ever felt tears through my body. I don’t think I actually ejaculate but the pleasure that courses through my veins is enough for me to see stars. I can feel Vic release his load inside of me and it’s so erotic that I moan loudly and grind against him again, milking his dick for all it’s worth. There’s tears on my cheeks from the emotional warfare waging in my body, the pain mixing with climax after climax. My eyes fall shut and I realize that my arms are completely numb.

I register the feeling of Vic pulling out and his liquid dribbling from inside me. The bed shifts and then one of my wrists is free, falling onto the bed, and then the other one is too. Vic sits beside me and takes my hands, one at a time, and massages them, giving me time to catch my breath and stabilize my emotions while also bringing my limbs back to life.

“Kellin?” He says calmly.

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, lay with me,” I mumble, too tired to form real thoughts.

The bed sinks and I open my eyes to see him right next to me.

“Can I touch you?” He asks.

“Not yet.”

He nods, knowing that I’m very sensitive to contact when I’m coming out of my submissive headspace.

He just lays there, his wild hair sprawled on the mattress and his naked body still shiny with sweat. God, he’s gorgeous. 

I scoot into his arms, letting him know that he can hold me now and sighing when I’m safely in his embrace.

“Do you forgive me?” I ask quietly.

His chest rumbles with laughter and I smile against his chest.

“Yes, all is forgiven. Just, never get yourself in a situation like that again.”

“But if I get sex like that, maybe you just encouraged me to get into trouble all the time.”

“You’d better not,” he snorts. “I promise to fuck you like that any time you want if you promise to never get in a fight again.”

“Okay, I promise.”

That was the easiest promise I’ve ever made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2345 words :)


	42. Rockstar Lifestyle (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: sexual content  
> AN: Plz comment and leave kudos :)

~Kellin pov~  
There are some things in life that are just solid. You’ve got those routines, those personality traits about yourself, and those people that always stay the same. Everything else can change and morph into different things, but everyone has their rocks.

Except, what happens when your rock is the thing that changes?

Vic and I have been friends since we were in middle school together and we were both hiding in the art room instead of going to PE. From that day forward we found that we enjoyed almost all the same things, going the same places, and already had a couple of mutual friends. Not to be cliche, but we were attached at the hip. We went to school events together, paired up in classes, hung out after school, and spent pretty much every minute of every summer together. 

Now we’re juniors in college and things have... changed... in the past year. Vic joined some shitty garage band that he’s playing guitar in and they made a music video that got a few hundred, thousand views on YouTube. They don’t tour but they play a few shows nearby and they all hang out a lot. 

I know what it sounds like, it sounds like something really cool happened to my best friend and I’m jealous. Jealous of his fame, jealous he has new friends, jealous that girls throw themselves at him all the time. Well, that last one doesn’t matter cause I’m gay, but you know what I mean.

It’s not jealousy that makes me hate Vic’s recent changes, it’s worry. It’s the pit in my stomach, the way my heart is constantly in my throat, the way I always have my phone nearby and the ringer turned up in case he calls.

My friend that used to be excited when a new season of an anime show came out, now spends every minute he can drunk, high, or fucking someone, if not all three at the same time. It’s not that I’m a prude, it’s that he’s going to wind up dead or riddled with STDs.

“Kellin, is Vic coming in today?” My boss, Chris, asks me.

I glance at the clock on the wall and see that Vic is actually ten minutes late for his shift.

“Uh, yeah. He’s here, just in the bathroom changing,” I say, covering for him quickly.

“Good,” Chris says, completely believing my lie.

Just as I begin frantically trying to call my best friend I hear the bell ring above the door and Vic comes through it. He looks like hell, his skin pale, his eyes bloodshot, and his uniform is on even though every article of clothing is wrinkled. Chris won’t be pleased.

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” he mutters, stashing his bag under the counter.

We work at a small Italian restaurant called Cerulli’s and although our boss tries to keep that “small town” vibe that he’s cool with everything, he really isn’t. If you show up late, or looking like you just rolled out of bed, he’ll call you into his office and reprimand you.

“I just had to cover for you,” I say, knowing I sound pissed.

“Sorry, I overslept.”

“Late night?”

“You have no idea,” he says with a smile. “We went down to this little, private club and Jaime made up some bullshit story to get us in.”

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah, so we got completely trashed and then get this, a group of guys invited us to their table cause they saw one of our shows and they let us smoke a bunch of weed for free!”

I turn around to check something on the computer and roll my eyes.

“I didn’t get home until like four in the morning and even then I was so high I couldn’t sleep for awhile.”

“Yeah Vic, your eyes are telling me that you’re still fairly high.”

His mood shifts from “isn’t this a hilarious story” to “oh shit, my best friend is mad and maybe judging me.”

“Are you mad I was late? I promise I tried to make it on time but-“

“No, Vic, I’m not mad that you were late to work, I’m made that you just accepted drugs from complete strangers last night. You could have smoked something that was laced,” I whisper worriedly.

He rolls his eyes, not bothering to hide it from me like I did him.

“Kellin, I’ve told you before, nothing bad is gonna happen to me.”

“Yeah yeah yeah, you’re just having fun,” I snap and then leave to check on some orders in the kitchen.

Vic and I don’t talk for the rest of our shifts, just working around each other and being civil when we absolutely have to. It pisses me off because it’s not my fault but he won’t apologize! I have valid worries and he won’t take them seriously.

After work I don’t bother finding him to say goodbye, I just get in my car and head to my apartment. 

My evening is sad without Vic. He’s a good cook and I’m not, none of the shows we used to watch together are the same without him, and I am bogged down my the fear that he’s being drugged and killed right now.

“I don’t need to call him,” I whisper to myself, pinching my arm.

Before I even know what’s happening my phone is at my ear and I’m called him. I can’t help but worry. What if I don’t call and I something happens that I could have prevented?

“Kells, I’m kinda busy, what’s up?” He says by way of greeting.

He sounds sober at least, his words aren’t slurred and his sentence made sense.

“I was just checking up since this used to be Deathnote night,” I say. 

“Mm-hm, that’s cool but I’m about to be balls deep in a girl so I gotta go,” he says with a chuckle.

I wrinkle my nose.

“Okay, bye,” I sigh, but when I hold the phone away I see that he already hung up.

Balls deep in a girl, huh? 

I go to my contacts and pull up Oli’s. I haven’t talked to him in a long time but from what I remember he’s usually available for sex and he wouldn’t care that I basically ghosted him since the last time we fucked.

“Hello?” He answers in his beautiful, British accent.

“Hey Oli, this is Kellin.”

“Quinn?” 

“Yeah.”

“Is this a booty call, Kellin?”

“Yeah,” I say quieter, a little embarrassed. I’m not someone that usually hooks up with people often and definitely not like this, but I’m determined to go through with it.

“You still live in the same place?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Be there soon.”

“Cool, thanks.”

I hang up quick and rush off the couch directly into my bedroom. I’ve gotta look good.

I end up putting on an oversized, black hoodie, a pair of pink panties, and black, thigh high socks. Just as I finish primping my hair and brushing my teeth I hear a knock at the door.

“Hey,” I chirp when I see Oli.

“Wow, you look really hot,” he says with a whistle.

“Thanks,” I mumble, pushing a strand of hair behind my hair and looking down.

Oli’s fingers touch my chin and I look up at him. God, he’s so fucking sexy. He’s tall, completely covered in tattoos, and dressed in head to toe black. His hair is cut short and dyed pastel purple which I wouldn’t usually be attracted to, but somehow he pulls it off.

“Let’s go to the bedroom, yeah?”

I nod and smile at him. For being such a man whore he’s always very sweet to me.

I lead him to my room and he takes off his shirt, making it clear to me that we aren’t about to do anything romantic or sensual, we’re both here to fuck.

Once his shirt is off he comes over to me and grabs my thighs, lifting me up so that I can wrap my legs around him. His lips collide with mine and we hungrily make out, his teeth nipping at my lip and my hands pulling him closer to me by the back of his neck. My eyes are closed tight and instead of focusing on the physical pleasure of making out, I have an overwhelming feeling of revenge. If Vic wants to choose sex over me then goddamn it, I’ll choose sex over him too.

“Oli,” I breathe into his mouth.

“What do you need? Just say the word,” he purrs, moving his grip to my ass and taking me to the bed. 

“Fuck me, hard,” I request.

He smiles and drops me onto the bed before leaning over me and kissing my neck. He rolls his hips into mine, the rough fabric of his jeans feeling too harsh against my thin panties, but I don’t say anything. He sucks on my skin, surely leaving hickeys, which I never like, but tonight I urge him on, I moan and tell him to mark me... because I want Vic to know. I don’t tell him that part though.

I lose all of my clothes except my thigh highs and Oli’s pants disappear at some point. I forgot how well hung he is but I remember now as he’s fitting himself inside me. 

“Wait,” I gasp, horrified I nearly forgot. “We need protection.”

He shushes me and strokes my dick a couple times, making my thoughts fuzzy with pleasure.

“I’m clean, you’re clean, this feels better without, just relax,” he says, pushing himself into me.

I nod a little, letting myself enjoy the stretch of his cock and for the first time tonight I’m actually in the moment with Oli and not thinking about anything, or anyone else. I hook my forearms under my knees and hold my legs back for him as he picks up his pace, slamming into me with every thrust. He rolls his hips expertly, fucking my prostate so hard that I nearly scream. Moans are leaving my mouth but he’s quiet, only making these hot faces every once in awhile.

“Turn over,” he grunts, pulling out and helping my flip onto my stomach.

He straddles my hips and fucks deeper into me than I think he ever has before. I did say I wanted it hard.

“Do you like that?” He growls, bracing his hands on my shoulders and pounding into me deep and hard and fast.

As much as I’m embarrassed to admit it, yes, I do like this. I didn’t realize that hate sex (directed at Vic) would be a kink awakening for me, but here I am.

“Y-yes,” I stutter, having trouble thinking right now.

“I’m close,” he groans, fucking me into the mattress so hard that I’m sure to be sore afterwords.

“Me too,” I whine.

He takes my shoulders and lifts my chest off the bed until my back is against his front and we’re kneeling as he continues thrusting into me. He reaches around and takes my dick in his hand, jacking me off in time with his hips until I shriek and shoot cum across the bed. When I begin clenching my muscles around him he loses it too and releases deep inside me.

We slow down as we both enjoy our orgasms to their fullest, then he unceremoniously pulls out and flops onto the bed. I lay down too, flinging an arm over my eyes while i catch my breath. My body feels all warm and tingly which makes me realize that maybe I need to get laid more often.

“So, why tonight?” He asks, interrupting my train of thought.

“Huh?”

“I haven’t heard from you in forever, were you just horny or...”

“Oh. Um, my friend, Vic, is out with a girl,” I explain, feeling that he deserves to know the truth.

“Ohh, that makes sense. Revenge fucking is hot.”

I nod, feeling slightly guilty for what we just did.

“Did you wish you were getting railed by Vic the whole time?” He inquires as he gets up to find his clothes.

“What? No,” I answer quickly. 

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t like him like that.”

“Whatever you say, but if you ever want to fake date to make him jealous then you just let me know.”

I roll my eyes at that ridiculous idea. All of it is ridiculous. In love with Vic? He’s wrong.

The next day I desperately don’t want to go to work. My entire back and ass are sore from my fun with Oli and one side of my neck is covered in hickeys that I have no hope of hiding.

Despite not wanting to work, I need the money, so I still show up for my shift. Vic is already at the front counter when I get there because he was scheduled to come in an hour earlier than me today. 

As I walk up to him I try to tell if he’s hungover, high, or okay. He seems surprisingly okay.

“Woah, what’s on your neck?” He says immediately, his eyes widening.

I just laugh and shake my head at him. He knows what they are.

“I thought you were just watching Deathnote last night?” 

He seems bummed in some way that I ended up having plans without him.

“I had someone over,” I chirp nonchalantly.

“I guess he really liked marking his territory,” he says with annoyance in his voice.

I smile to myself. I had no idea how good it would feel to do something like this. Vic almost seems jealous and I’m living for it.

“He marked me in more ways than one, Jesus I’m sore this morning.”

“You fucked?” Vic says in shock.

“Shh, Jesus Christ, Vic, keep it down.”

“Sorry, it’s just not like you to hook up with someone.”

“Well I liked it,” I shrug. “I think I might do it more often.”

Chris calls for me and I leave Vic to ponder that thought, smiling as I walk away.

A couple weeks later I’m waiting for Vic to show up at my place. He agreed to pizza night with me but he seems to be pulling a no show.

I really wish I didn’t care, but I do care... a lot, so I find out my phone and text him.

Kellin: Pizza night?

Vic: Oops, got caught up with the boys.

I nod to myself, the rage steadily building in me. This is just perfect, this is exactly how I wanted my night to go. 

“What the fuck am I gonna do with two large pizzas?” I mumble to myself, glaring at the boxes.

The answer comes to me and twenty minutes later I’m eating with Oli on the couch.

“This is good, thanks for inviting me over,” he says politely.

“No problem.”

“What’s wrong?” He asks, setting his plate aside.

“What? Nothing.”

“You’re quiet tonight.”

“Vic was supposed to hang out with me,” I sigh.

“Ah, I see. Well, how about you let me help you forget about him? Hmm? Just for awhile.”

I grin and nod as he pushes me on my back and crawls on top of me. His lips push against mine and his tongue is in my mouth, exploring and coaxing moans from me. He nips my lip and then sucks and licks along my jaw, breathing heavily as he bites my earlobe.

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard that your neighbors complain,” he growls.

My dick pulses, growing in my pants at his words and I nod eagerly to him.

“Please Oli,” I whine.

He doesn’t disappoint. He takes me to my room and orders me to strip down, snickering to himself when he sees how hard I am just from being bossed around.

“You’re such a sub.”

“You like it,” I murmur under my breath.

“What was that?” He snaps.

“N-nothing.”

“That’s what I thought.”

He takes off his pants and adds them to our steadily growing pile of clothes on the floor. His shirt goes next and I gulp at the look in his eyes as they rove over my body. After coating himself in lube he walks toward me until my back hits the wall, causing me to gasp. He pins my wrists above my head with one of his hands and hooks my leg over his hip with the other.

“Be loud for me, Kellin,” he demands as his tip disappears inside me.

It’s surprisingly hot to be restrained like this and I don’t have to fake a single noise that leaves my lips. He fucks me deep, brushing my prostate with nearly every thrust until I’m a quivering mess.

My legs shake and I steadily curse and shriek, having no control over my vocal chords. This time even he is letting out grunts and profanities, obviously enjoying being so dominating over me.

“Ah, ahh, fuck!” I shriek, squeezing my eyes shut as he changes the angle of his hips.

“That’s a good boy, what do you want? Tell me,” he growls, fucking me against the wall so hard that I’m glad it connects to my hallway and not the neighbors, or I might have actually gotten a noise complaint... if I don’t already from all my moans and screams.

“I-fuck, I want to cum! Please let me cum,” I whine, feeling a familiar sensation in my cock.

“Good boy, cum for me.”

He releases my wrists and tugs on my erection instead. The sudden stimulation on my sensitive tip is nearly too much, making me whine and moan until my orgasm finally takes over.

“I’m cumming, shit, shit!” I gasp, throwing my head back and moaning like a porn star as I release strings of sperm all over us.

Oli grunts and pulls out, shooting his load on my stomach and chest, stroking himself through the pleasure. I do the same and touch myself, milking the last drops from my tip as I drop my head forward to rest on his shoulder.

“Wow,” I breathe.

“Yeah, that was good,” he chuckles.

He begins getting dressed but I just use a tissue to wipe our mess off my stomach and then put on panties and an oversized t-shirt.

“I’ve gotta go, will I see you again soon?” He asks, capturing my lips in his.

“Yeah,” I giggle with a blush. I’m not used to being fuck buddies with someone.

He opens the bedroom door and I follow him into the hallway and towards the front door. As I pass the living room my eyes land on Vic... just sitting on the couch.

Oli comes back to see what I’m looking at.

“Oh shit,” he mumbles. “I’ll leave you guys alone.”

I just nod. I hear him leave and I step into the living room, regretting the fact that I’m not wearing pants over my baby blue, silk, panties.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“I felt bad that I had forgotten about our plans, so I came over as quick as I could.”

My cheeks feel like they’re burning. This is painfully awkward, especially the way I’m standing near the doorway and he’s just sitting there. It’s making me fidgety.

“How much did you hear?”

“Most of it.”

I’m shocked I don’t burst into flames.

“Why the hell are you letting Oli fuck you? He’s an asshole,” he snaps.

“He’s not an asshole.”

“He made you beg to cum, I’m pretty sure that makes him an asshole.”

Anger takes over and I forget about the embarrassment.

“He didn’t make me beg, I wanted to beg!” I say, raising my voice. “I like it rough.”

“You never have before.”

“What the fuck does that mean, Vic? You don’t know shit about what I liked before and you sure as hell don’t know what I like now! Now stop fighting with me about who I’m fucking and how I want to be fucked, it’s none of your business!”

“It’s my business cause you’re my friend, Kellin! Oli has a reputation for getting a bunch of girls pregnant, did you know that? You’re better than that!”

My stomach drops when he says that, picturing the way he so easily talked me into not using protection.

“I said to stop talking about him! You’re barely my friend anymore so you don’t have a say in who I’m hooking up with.”

“Barely your friend? I know you better than you know yourself!”

“No, Vic, you don’t anymore!” I yell and to my horror tears start dripping out of my eyes. “All you ever do is leave me to worry about whatever the fuck you’re up to! We haven’t hung out in over three months! That shit hurts so I brought Oli around to take the edge off and I guess if you’re not comfortable with it then you know how I feel about you every fucking day.”

“Don’t try to pull that shit on me Kellin, we both know that the only reason you’re so concerned about what I’m up to is because you’re jealous! You’re jealous that I’m having a good time and playing with a band that’s going places while you’re still at home watching cartoons. Hell, you’re probably even jealous of the girls I fuck,” he snorts meanly.

I look away, a sob threatening to tear out of my throat. I know as soon as those words leave his lips that Oli was right and Vic is right too, even if he doesn’t fully realize it.

I love Vic.

“Get out,” I whimper, defeat weighing me down.

“What?”

“I’m tired of fighting with you, get out.”

“Kells-“

I turn and go to my room, slamming the door behind me.

I cry myself to sleep, upset and sore, wishing someone was here to hold me. I would take Oli or Vic at this point and yet I have neither of them.

I don’t go in to work the next day, mostly cause I’m avoiding Vic but also because I’m in too much pain. My lower back burns when I move and sitting is also uncomfortable. My only option is to stay in bed, so that’s what I do.

I have Vic’s schedule memorized and I’m not surprised when there’s a knock at my door shortly after he gets off.

I limp over and unlock it, swinging it open to reveal my best friend.

“Hey,” he says, holding out a smoothie from my favorite cafe.

“Hey.”

“Can we talk?”

I nod and sip the drink, motioning for him to go to the living room. He leads the way and sits on the couch, eyeing me as I sit beside him and wince at the pain radiating through my ass.

“Sore?” He asks.

I nod.

“Okay, um, I’m really sorry,” he says.

“For what?” I ask, kinda testing him because he has many things to be sorry for.

“Oh boy, well, I’m sorry for ditching you so many times, I’m sorry for accidentally hearing you have sex, I’m sorry for judging you yesterday, I’m just so sorry.”

I sigh and set my drink aside, reaching for his hand and giving it a squeeze.

“I forgive you for everything that happened yesterday, but you’ve been treating me really bad lately, and I’ve been worried about you.”

“I-I know.”

“And you know what they say about apologies...”

“No, what?”

“An apology without change is just manipulation.”

“So, as long as I stop being a dick, you’ll forgive me?”

I nod.

“That’s fair, I’m gonna try... I really miss you.”

That makes me smile and I scoot closer to him, pulling him in for a hug.

“I’ve really missed you too.”

We embrace for awhile longer than necessary, but I’ve been hug deprived and I really need this.

“Hey Kells?” He says as we finally pull away and sit in our respective spots.

“Yeah?”

“Do you like me as more than a friend?”

I gulp audibly.

“What? N-no, of course not.”

“See, I think you’re lying.”

“Why?” I nervously ask.

“Cause yesterday I mentioned you being jealous of the girls I sleep with and you got all nervous and angry.”

“That was nothing, I was just upset.”

“Fine, whatever you say.”

I want to be relieved that he dropped it but I also feel like I missed my chance to finally act on my crush.

“Could I have Oli’s number?” He asks, making me choke on my own saliva.

“No! Why?”

“I’ve recently discovered I’m bisexual and I thought maybe he would-“

“He won’t,” I snap.

“Just admit you like me!” He laughs.

I roll my eyes and when I’m not paying attention to Vic he leans forward and takes my face in his hands, kissing me passionately.

I’m frozen in shock for a few seconds but soon I melt into him. Our lips move like they we’ve done this a hundred times and everything else in the world seems to drop away. All that matters is us and this kiss.

Vic pulls away to breathe and I flutter my eyes open, smiling at him.

“Will you admit it now?” He asks quietly.

I blush and consider being stubborn.

“Vic... I like you as more than a friend,” I whisper.

“That’s good, cause I like you as more than a friend too.”

I lean into his side and he wraps his arms around me.

“Are you sure you’re actually bisexual?” I check, nervous that this is just a phase or he’s confused and it’s gonna fuck up our friendship. That’s already plenty fucked without failed dating on top of it.

“Completely positive. I started feeling things for you awhile back so I looked up some porn and-“

“Okay okay, I believe you.”

He chuckles and plants a kiss to the side of my head.

“Where do we go from here?” I inquire, unsure if I want to be in a relationship with the Vic I’ve known lately.

“I think I need to talk with the band, tell them that I have other priorities right now.”

“You’re gonna quit?”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

“I mean... I know how much you like playing with them. Maybe you should just talk to them about getting serious about the music and losing all the rockstar lifestyle bullshit.”

“It would be really cool if I could still play with them, I’ll send out some texts tonight letting them know we need to have a meeting.”

“So... if you were willing to quit the band for me, does that mean we’re, um, boyfriends?”

This makes him smile.

“On one condition.”

I quirk a brow cause I’m pretty sure I’m the one that should be giving him rules.

“Okay...”

“No more kinky sex with Oli.”

I giggle at this.

“Does that mean you’re going to be giving me kinky sex or will I just be getting deprived?”

“Definitely the former,” he smirks.

“Have you ever done something like that before?”

“Um... no, but since just listening to you with Oli got me completely hard I think it’ll go okay.”

I feel a hot blush cover my cheeks and he laughs at my embarrassment.

“You’re cute when you blush.”

“You’re cute when you’re sober and not being a dumb ass,” I shoot back.

“Noted.”

Good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4550 words :)


	43. Endometriosis (Kellic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: dysphoria, vomiting, blood.

~Vic pov~  
Kellin is squirming and sweating next to me when I wake up. His eyes are clenched shut but I don’t think he’s asleep, he seems to be in pain.

“Kells?” I mumble as I sit up, trying to wipe the last bits of sleep from my eyes.

“Viccy,” he whimpers, opening his eyes and revealing the tears brimming inside of them. “It hurts.”

“Cramps?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

He nods right before taking a sharp breath and clenching his teeth together. Sweat is beading his upper lip and he curls up to try and find some relief.

My heart breaks for my boyfriend. I hate that he goes through this every single month when his period comes.

“It’s okay, I’m gonna take care of you, just take deep breaths,” I tell him, brushing the damp curls off his forehead.

I get up and rush to the bathroom, turning the knobs on the bath to make it fill with the perfect temp of water. Not too hot since Kellin is probably having hot flashes, but not so cold it’s uncomfortable. I drip lavender oil into the tub and lay out a couple of fluffy towels before going back to retrieve my boyfriend.

He hasn’t moved an inch since I left and his tears are now freely flowing down his cheeks. I kneel down next to the bed and take one of his hands in mine, he immediately squeezes it tight.

“Have you taken any painkillers?” I ask.

“No, I couldn’t get up.”

“Okay, let’s get you in the bath and I’ll find your prescription and a glass of cold water.”

“Okay,” he whimpers.

I know it’s very painful for him to get up, but being in a relaxing bath tends to help and his medication for this is fast acting.

I peel the blankets away from his body and see a patch of red staining his boxers and our sheets. I’m not surprised or upset, his bleeding usually starts suddenly and heavily.

I scoop an arm under his back and help him to sit up, trying to ignore his fingers digging into my arm.

“Ah, ow,” he groans from between gritted teeth.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” I soothe, helping him to his feet.

As soon as he’s up he basically turns green. With no warning he leans over and pukes on the floor, gripping my arm to stay upright.

“Oh Kellin,” I coo, rubbing his back and offering him a shirt from the floor to wipe his mouth with.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out. “I’ll clean it.”

“No, I’ll clean it, you need to rest.”

He sighs and I lead him the rest of the way to the bathroom. We get him out of his sweaty and soiled clothes and I lift him into the bathtub. He sinks beneath the surface of the water and lays back, closing his eyes. A few minutes later he’s taken his medication and he seems to be calming down.

“I’m gonna go clean the room, okay?” I say quietly.

His cheeks go bright pink and he nods.

“Sorry,” he whispers.

“Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault.”

I plant a kiss on his shoulder and get up, shutting the bathroom door softly behind me. The bedroom needs a lot of work to make it perfectly clean and cozy for my boyfriend, but it doesn’t take me too long. I start with the mess on the floor, cleaning and scrubbing it until no one would ever be able to tell something happened here. I change the sheets on the bed and spread out a weighted blanket on Kellin’s side, knowing it will help him feel safe and calm. Finally I make him a glass of peppermint tea and a piece of toast with butter and leave them on the side table.

“Ready to get out?” I chirp when I join him in the bathroom again.

“Yeah, the water is chilly,” he says, getting to his feet. 

I help him up and he safely steps out of the slippery tub and onto the fluffy bath mat on the floor. I wrap him in towels and hand him a pair of underwear, already lined with a pad.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, sliding them on and wrapping himself tighter in the towel.

“You’re welcome.”

The entire time I brush his hair we stay quiet. I know how embarrassed he gets by all of this and how dysphoric is makes him, so I don’t want to push the subject. I massage some soothing essential oils into his abdomen and he puts on a soft pair of pajama pants, leaving his chest bare. Ever since he had top surgery he likes to go shirtless as much as possible. I think it’s very cute.

When he’s safely in bed, munching his toast and sipping his tea, I heave a deep sigh of relief.

“What?” He inquires.

“Huh? Oh, I’m just glad you’re feeling better.”

He nods a little.

I crawl on the bed and wrap my arms around him, letting him rest his head on my chest.

“Kellin?”

“Hmm?”

“Last month I did some googling and the same thing kept coming up. I think you might have endometri-“

“No!” He says loudly. Louder than he meant to I’m sure. “No, I don’t.”

“But all your symptoms match. The cramps, the heavy flow-“

“Please stop, just... stop.”

To my horror tears are brimming in his eyes again and I’m suddenly wishing I had waited to bring this up.

“Okay, I’m sorry, I’ll stop,” I assure him quickly.

He wipes his eyes and rests against my chest again.

We’re really quiet for awhile before he speaks.

“I just... I can’t have that.”

“Why?”

“B-because I’m a guy,” he sniffles. “Guys don’t have endometriosis.”

Something deep inside of me aches for my boyfriend.

“Anyone with a uterus can have it and having a uterus doesn’t make you any less of a boy. You know that.”

“Yeah,” he whispers.

I rub his back and he cries into my shirt. His tears soak the cotton fabric until I’m damp and uncomfortable, but I don’t mind. If I can take any little part of Kellin’s discomfort then I’m happy to do it.

“Ugh, sorry,” he says, sitting up and wiping his face off. “I’ve been such a mess this morning.”

“You’re not a mess, I understand.”

“What were you going to say about endometriosis?”

I’m not sure if I should say, but he did ask.

“Just that I was researching some of the best specialists around here that could help you.”

His features soften and he smiles at me.

“That’s really sweet, are they nearby?”

“There’s one about forty-five minutes away that’s supposed to be really good.”

“Maybe we should set up an appointment,” he sighs.

“Only if you want to.”

“Do you think I should?”

“Well... I don’t like seeing you in pain every month, so yeah, I think you should.”

He smiles and leans forward, kissing my lips sweetly.

“Okay.”

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1176 words :)


End file.
